An Interview With Rand
Hello everyone! Today we're going to interview Rand al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn! I'm sure he'll have lots of insights to share with us.
1) How do you think the attitudes you were brought up with influenced you later on?
a) Well, I would never have been as suspicious of Aes Sedai if they had been better portrayed in the stories. I mean, in there, they're all suspicious, conniving females who live to make men miserable. And maybe if we would have had a visit from one or two more often than every 500 years or so... *dirty look at the Aes Sedai in the audience* I was also terrified of the Dragon Reborn. I mean, he broke the world, he killed everyone he ever loved, what's to like? And so to find out that I was this horrible being... you'd deny it for 3 books, too!
2) How do you feel about your creation, the Asha'men?
a) *mutters under his breath*Mustkillthemallbeforetheykillme, mustkillthemall,mustkill... Sometimes a sword turns in your hand, but you still need it.
3) How do you feel about the seals on the Dark One's prison?
a) Mustbreakthesealsmustbreakthemallmustenditbreakthesealsbreakthemall...
NO YOU IDIOT DON'T BREAK THEM! ...Mustbreakmustenditmustbreakthemletmedie...
4) How do you feel about the White Tower? Who are you supporting- Elaida or Egwene?
a) You cannot trust Aes Sedai. I just hope they'll get distracted enough with their little catfight to ignore my Asha'men's growing numbers and strength. It wouldn't do for them to band together to try to wipe us out, obviously. As for who I support- well, Elaida stuffed me in a trunk and tortured me until we got to Dumai's Wells, so I don't think I like her very much. Not to mention that she's Red Ajah and I'm the most powerful male channeler since Lews Therin... now Egwene used to be my childhood sweetheart, but we broke up a while ago, and I can't trust her either. She doesn't love me anymore! *sniffs dramatically* So I'm just going to stay out of it.
5) Do you know who the father of Elayne's child is?
a) *looks suspiciously around the audience* I cannot tell you, as I may incriminate myself... *OOOOOOHs from the audience*
6) Do you think you'll eventually go mad?
a) Hold on, let me ask the disembodied voice in my head. He's a 3000-year-old dead madman who often gives me advice on relationships, along with telling me to break the seals on the Dark One's prison and kill all the Asha'man...
7) Why do you feel a need to take over the world?
a) The Prophecies tell me so. Isn't that enough?
8) Is it all, cosmically speaking, worth it?
a) Well, the benefits are actually pretty good (3 girls and funky tattoos!) but I'd say that going mad, rotting away, facing the Dark One, being forced to hang out with Aes Sedai, and various unsightly scars are kinda the downsides.
9) Where'd you get those cool tattoos?
a) *he looks out and sees some threatening-looking Wise Ones* Uhhh... *they draw their fingers across their throats in the universal Maiden Handtalk sign for "I'm going to slit your throat if you step one toe out of line."* Uhhh... Rudy Ian's Tattoo Parlor. It's out in the middle of the Waste, a big city in the clouds. You can't miss it.
10) Are you still in touch with Mat and Perrin?
a) Occasionally. Perrin is having a nice, happy, quiet marriage with his wife Faile down in the Two Rivers, and as a result he's become incredibly boring. Especially now that I hear rumors renegade Aiel have kidnapped his wife, and he's starting to casually chop off the arms of innocent people. *yawns* He always was the most wholesome and honorable of the trio. Now Mat... Mat's having troubles with his financee. Apparently she's a small-boned, skinny, snooty noble who just might be able to channel. Let's send Mat a sympathetic "Awwwwww..." now, shall we? *the audience obliges, athough it looks like Thom, Elayne, Nyneave, Julian, and about half the female population of Ebou Dar are sniggering their socks off.*
11) How did you have time for all that plastic surgery? You look different on every cover.
a) You're going to have to take that up with Darrel K. Sweet... he's my personal plastic surgeon.
12) Why can't you kill a woman, even if your life and other women's depended on it?
a) *sits up straight* WHO TOLD YOU THAT!?! I'LL BALEFIRE THEM! NONE OF YOU MUST KNOW MY WEAKNESS! NO ONE! *balefires the entire audience*
*awkward silence*
*looks out uneasily over the empty seats* Uhhh... well, I guess that's the end of our interview... *a bunch of Asha'man come from backstage, sheild the gibbering Rand, and drag him off to the Funny Farm. (Also known as the Black Tower.)*
(Ok, yeah, it's technically innacurate in some places. But you gotta give me credit for trying.)