Adventures in Finnland
The setting: just inside the ter'angreal in Tear. Mat has just stepped through and the guide hasn't made his entrance yet.
Mat: Waiting. I'm WAITING here, people. You are making MAT CAUTHON wait.
(a disembodied hand reaches out and touches Mat on the shoulder)
Mat: BLOOD N'BLOODY ASHES! (jumps a foot in the air and spins around to face the guide)
Guide: Woo hoo! Heheheheheh! Hee hee! I love doing that! I really do! The look on your face... priceless! (notices Mat looking at him) Um... anyways... c'mon.
Mat: (curses under his breath.) Beeeeeeeeeep. Beep.Beeeeeep.Beep.Beep.Beep.
(fast forward to the room)
Mat: What the *beeeeeep.beep.beeep* is going on here? Do I have to pay an Andoran mark a minute for this? Huh? Answer me!
First Finn: It has been long.
Mat: What the?!
Second Finn: Long, indeed.
Third Finn: Oh, shut up. It's been fifteen minutes.
First Finn: OK. Question number one.
Mat: Am I... umm.. hehheh... gonna, um... um... (leers suggestively) you know...
Second Finn: Frivolous questions are punished.
Mat: It's not a frivolous question! This is the most important thing to me in the world!
Third Finn: Yes.
Mat: Yessssssssssssss! He scores!! Mat Cauthon, in da house!
Second Finn: hehhehehehehheh.
First Finn: OK. Question number two.
Mat: That was my only question.
Second Finn: Ask the damn second question.
Mat: Oh, all right. How do you get women to stop sniffing and raising their eyebrows at you?
(The Finns look at eachother)
First Finn (woman): If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Second Finn (man): that's because there is no way! They'll always do that!
Third Finn (woman): (sniffs) Oh, shut up, you infinetly stupid male creature.
First Finn: OK. Question number three.
Mat: Will I get lucky like Rand and have three women all at the same time?
Second Finn:(snickers) Yes you will. Their names are... are...
Mat: Yeah? Yeah?
Second Finn: Ariella, Sundara, and Smoke.
Mat: Really?! Sounds pretty good.
Third Finn: They'll put you in bondage.
Mat: Whips n' chains!
First Finn: No, idiot. They'll chain your soul in the Pit of Doom and make you scream for eternity.
Mat: Still... three women...
(Suddenly, Rand enters)
Rand: Mat!
Mat: Rand! Ha! You're not the only guy with three women! I'm gonna have chicks that are into... y'know... bondage!
Rand: Wow! Really?
Mat: Yeah!
(Darkhound enters, a collar sore around his neck)
DH: This is... too much... she'll kill me...
Mat: She's a riot, huh?
DH: (fixes Mat with a stare) You're next. You- you're the one! She'll get you next.... (whines and runs out)
Mat: bondage! bondage!
(an eerie, evil laugh rises out of nowhere)