The Phantom Of The Opera

**Author's Note: For those who haven't recognised the title, this is the beginning of a parody of the musical, The Phantom of the Opera. I haven't tried doing anything like this, so i'll see what sort of reaction this gets and decide from that whether or not to continue. For ease of reading, the bits from the script are in blue (hopefully - this is my first try at HTML) and the side-bits are in white. Enjoy *g***

*Elayne and Aviendha wander onto the empty stage and look around.*
Avi: Hmm...nobody's here...I wonder why we were called in.
Elayne: Yes, it's like PoL on a Sunday *g* *sees Avi's confused look* Sorry, a wetlander joke.
Avi: I'll never understand wetlander humour. *looks towards the doorway* well, look who's here *rolls eyes*
*Faile strides in with Perrin at her heels*
Faile: I was called in to speak to you two? *indignant*
Avi: Typical wetlander! We know as little as you do.
*Mat enters in his best clothes.*
Mat: I'm here, and the party can begin. *looks around* This -is- a party, isn't it? Oh blood and bloody ashes.
Moiraine: Matrim Cauthon, mind your language! *entering*
Mat: Bloody Aes Sedai! Who invited her? *notices three women closing in around him* *reaches for his foxhead medallion and finds it missing* Umm....I mean, "How lovely to have you here, Moiraine. How was Finnland?" *fake smile*
Moiraine: *ignores him* Talissa shall be along shortly. She has been detained at school.
Perrin: Talissa? Does that mean that we're about to be thrown into a humour post?
Talissa *entering with Thom, Juilin, Taim, Fain and Asmodean behind her* Ah good, most of you are here. I was just rounding up these ones *gestures behind her* Now you must be wondering why you're here.
Avi: *under her breath* You bet we are. This had better be good, wetlander.
Talissa: I heard that. *looks around* Rand's not here yet....
Rand: *steps through a Gateway* Yes I am
Avi and Elayne: *flocking to his side* Rand!
Rand: *chuckles* Nice to have a warm welcome, gals. Light! Ilyena! *shakes head*
Talissa: Ah, good. LTT’s here, too *s*
Avi: *turns on Talissa* What are you doing to him, wetlander?!
Talissa: It’s okay, Avi. He’ll be fine. Now, are you all ready to see the cast list?

CAST
Christine – Elayne
Raoul – Rand
Phantom – LTT
Carlotta – Faile
Piangi – Perrin
Buquet – Thom
Firmin – Juilin
André – Mat
Mme Giry – Moiraine
Meg – Aviendha
Auctioneer – Asmodean
M Reyer – Taim
Lefervre – Fain
Narrator – Dark One
Chorus – Anyone who isn’t doing anything else at the time

Rand: You’ve given LTT a part?! I’m trying to suppress him, not encourage him!
LTT: Actually, I always thought myself a bit of an artiste.
Rand: You see?
Talissa: It’s okay. The taint’s gone, remember.
Moiraine: *reading the cast list* Woah! Wait a moment! You gave the Dark One a part ?!
DO: I DON’T SEE WHY NOT. IT’S NOT AS IF I DO NOTHING BUT PLOT THE DESTRUCTION OF THE LIGHT. LIGHTEN UP, RAINEY.
Moiraine: Do –not- call me “Rainey.” *sniffs* *crosses arms under breasts*
Rand: *blinks* Wait a moment….How is Asmo here? Isn’t he dead?
Talissa: *guilty blush* um…I messed around with the timelines slightly. What? RJ does it all the time!
Faile: Carlotta is a famous soprano, is she not? *pleased*
Mat: *under his breath* and a stuck up snob.
Faile: What was that? *angry*
Mat: *whistles innocently* nothing. Nothing at all…Um….perfect casting, Liss.
Talissa: *smile* I thought so. Now, let’s get on with it, shall we?

PROLOGUE
DO: AT THE PARIS OPERA HOUSE, AN AUCTION IS TAKING PLACE. RAOUL, WHO IS NOW SEVENTY…
Rand: Hey! Wait a moment! I’m too good looking to be seventy!
Mat: *pulls a rope to empty a bag of flour over Rand’s head* Better?
Rand: *mutters* sneaky little…
Talissa: Rand! Mat! Back to your places. At this rate WoT will be finished before this is.
DO: *coughs* IF I MAY CONTINUE… RAOUL, WHO IS NOW SEVENTY, BUT STILL BRIGHT OF EYE, IS PRESENT.
Asmodean: *hammers gavel* Sold. Your number, sir? Thank you. Lot 663, then, ladies and gentlemen: a poster for this house’s production of “Hannibal” by Chalumeau.
Talissa: Actually, I think we’ll skip a bit of the auction. Narrator, down to Lot 665, please.
DO: GLADLY…UM, LET’S SEE…OKAY, THE POSTER IS SOLD TO RAN- I MEAN RAOUL…A GUN AND SOME SKULLS ARE SOLD TO ANOTHER GUY, THEN THE TIME FOR LOT 665 COMES.
Asmodean: 665, ladies and gentlemen: a papier-mache musical box, in the shape of a barrel-organ.
Elayne: *whispers to Avi* What’s a barrel-organ?
Avi: Some sort of wetlanders musical instrument, I think.
Talissa: *teacher voice* Girls! Just because you’re not currently on stage, it doesn’t mean you can talk. Show some respect for the poor people here who are trying to act. That’s better. Asmo?
Asmo: Attached, the figure of a monkey in Domani robes playing the cymbals.
Mat: *wolf-whistle* I’ve always liked a good-looking monkey in Domani robes.
Talissa: *glare*
Mat: Fine, I’ll shut up!
Asmo: *continues* This item, discovered in the vaults of the theatre, still in working order.
*a thick soup-like silence descends*
Talissa: Porter? Where’s the Porter?
Taim: *checks the cast list* you haven’t got one.
Talissa: *sighs* okay, um….Demandred can be the Porter. DO?
DO: *summons Dem*
Demandred: *appears on the stage* What am I doing here? *sees DO* oh, I guess I’d better behave then, had I?
Taim: You see? This proves that I’m not him!
Fain: *l* with RJ, you can never be too sure.
Perrin: Can we –please- get on with it?
Talissa: Thank you, Perrin. Dem? *hands over a script* pick up from here, please.
Dem: Showing here. *starts the music box playing*
Asmo: May I start at twenty…
Talissa: Actually, skip the bidding. Just go straight to Raoul’s little song.
DO: UM, YES. RAND BUYS IT AND STARTS SINGING TO HIMSELF… THE FIRST SIGN OF MADNESS, YOU KNOW, SINGING TO YOURSELF.
Rand: Shut up, Darky. Remember who’s got the power to trap you again.
DO: OH, OF COURSE I REMEMBER, RAND MY LAD.
Talissa: -Please- stop arguing for Light’s sake! *to herself* why did I even consider doing this?!
Rand: A collector’s piece indeed…
Every detail exactly as she said…
She often spoke of you, my friend…
Your velvet lining, and your figurine of lead…
Will you still play,
When all the rest of us are dead?
LTT: Ooooh, morbid stuff, that. I love it!
Talissa: Is it possible to get through more than 6 lines without someone interrupting?!
Juilin: *cough* who’s the one writing it *cough*
Talissa: *glare* Asmo, if you would continue?
Asmo: Lot 666, then: a chandelier in pieces. Some of you may recall the strange affair of the Opera: a mystery never fully explained. We are told, ladies and gentlemen, that this is the very chandelier which figures in the famous disaster. Our workshops have restored it and fitted up parts of it with wiring for the new Power-powered light, so that we may get a hint of what it may look like when re-assembled. Perhaps we may frighten away the ghost of so many years ago with a little illumination, gentlemen?
DO: ASMO LIGHTS THE CHANDELIER AND MUST DO SOMETHING WRONG (AS USUAL) BECAUSE THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FLASH, AND THE STAGE IS FILLED WITH MUSIC. THE OPERA HOUSE IS RESTORED TO ITS EARLIER GRANDEUR AND THE CHANDELIER RISES MAGICALLY FROM THE STAGE…
Mat: *snorts* Magically? I can see Thom pulling the string to bring it up.
Talissa: Ma-at! How many times do I need to warn you? Anyway, the good news is that the Prologue is over.
All: *cheer*
Talissa: The bad new is that there are still two whole acts to go.
All: *groan*
Talissa: *reads back over it* 3 pages to do a prologue? *g* looks like you’ll be missing the publication of the next WoT book. *looks around* I wasn’t going to do this, but I don’t think I can go on without a break, so you can all wander off for now, but remember to return nice and early tomorrow, okay?
All: Yes, mum.
Talissa: *huge glares*
All: *disappear as quickly as possible*