**Author's Note: This is the Randland version of a popular American soapie called 'Dawson's Creek'. The title is the only similarity, however - oh yes, and the bad storyline. Also, since it would take up much too much space and time to write every episode of Dragon's Creek, only the best are being written.**

*Tam and Rand Al'Thor are sitting at the dinner table, eating.*

Tam: Son, you're ready to receive this. I've been waiting for this day since I found… I mean since you were born. *brings out a sword with a heron on the hilt and blade*

Rand: *didn't notice Tam's tongue-slip* I didn't know you had a sword, dad. Geez, thanks. I…

*there is a loud knocking at the door*

Rand: Are you going to open it, dad?

Tam: I'd better not. Nobody comes around at this time of night. It could only be Trollocs.

Rand: But Trollocs are just fairy stories. They aren't real.

Tam: But I've fought - *stops himself in time* Fine. I'll open the door. *goes to the door and opens it* Run, son! They ARE Trollocs!

Rand: *sighs* How many times do I have to tell you dad - Trollocs aren't real!

Tam: Fine, then. How about if I ask you to go out the back and sit out there, hiding, for a while?

Rand: Okay, dad. *he opens the back door and strolls out. After a while, a hand grasps his mouth.*

Tam: Don't move or I'll kill you.

Rand: Dad?

Tam: Oh, is that you, son? I thought it was a Trolloc.

Rand: *is offended* Dad, you KNOW that there's no such thing as Trollocs. And even if there were. I would look nothing like one.

Tam: *groans*

Rand: Dad, have you been playing around with the kitchen knives again? How many times do I need to tell you that they aren't toys? Look. Now you've hurt yourself.

Tam: It's just a flesh wound. Don't worry about it.

Rand: *After feeling Tam's forehead* You didn't dip the knives in rat poison, did you? You've got a fever now. I'll have to take you to the village Wisdom.

*leaves to get a cart for father. While looking, he is stupid enough to decide to go inside the house.*

Rand: *sees the corpses of Trollocs* Wow! They ARE real! *He grabs one by the horns and moves its mouth as if it's talking*

Nargfather: *rises from pile of corpses and speaks in a mumbling, Italian-sounding voice.* You thought Nargfather was dumb, yes? Well, Nargfather is not dumb. Nargfather think, 'Hey, what if stupid boy who no believe in Trollocs returns?' Nargfather was right. Stupid boy did return. Now, Nargfather wants to talk to yo-AAAARRRGGHH *suddenly there is a heron-engraved hilt sticking out of his belly* Nargfather say 'bye bye'. *dies*

Rand: *is completely unsurprised by the event, so he gathers up a makeshift cart and Tam's sword and goes back to Tam.*

Tam: Boy, you're back.

Rand: Yes, I'm back. So?

Tam: I just had a completely unreasonable urge to state something which is surely obvious to myself, you, the readers, certainly the author, and any Trollocs who may be hanging around *there are muffled curses from the surrounding bushes*.

Rand: *shrugs*

Tam: *faints*

Rand: *piles Tam onto makeshift cart and starts wandering towards Emond's Field, avoiding the Quarry Road*

*when they are halfway there, Tam, who had been muttering the whole time, says something odd.*

Tam: So…I want…everyone to know that…I…am…the…owner of the horse who is…the…Creator, who is called…Bela.

Rand: *has no idea what Tam is talking about*

Tam: One day…I was on the Dragonmount…and I found a baby…I kidnapped him from his Aiel parents…And brought it home to Kari…we called him…Rand. *faints*

Rand: *almost faints, himself, from shock* But, dad. You can't say that! Please! You've got to be wrong! It's the fever talking! That's right, fever talking. Fever, fever feverfeverfeverfeverfeverfeverfever. *Bursts into tears after trying to convince himself that it was the fever talking for three hours, then continues to Emond's Field.*

…To Be Continued…

~By Talissa Sedai

The Best of…
Dragon’s Creek
Best Episode #2: Strangers at Emond’s Field

Narrator: Before I continue, I would like to make it clear that I refuse to start this story with, “The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass leaving memories that become legend, then fade to myth, and are long forgot when that Age comes again,” or anything along those lines. Is that clear? It is too cliché and I find it completely or utterly tiresome.

Rand: But you just did say that.

Narrator: *looks back over lines* Blood and ashes! I did say it, didn’t I? Can I change that?

Moiraine: It’s part of the Pattern now. The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills, so you must have said that for some reason.

Verin: Maybe, if I give the matter due thought, I may be able to devise a way to remove that small error on your behalf from the Pattern. I am sure that if I am able to do it carefully, there will be no lasting consequences. Maybe if I…

Loial: NO! You mustn’t change the Pattern. It was ta’veren which caused that slip, so it must be left as it is. You must…

Narrator: SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *everyone looks up at her, stunned* That’s better. There are not supposed to be any Aes Sedai or Ogier in the story yet, so get the flaming hell out of here! And Rand, what have you done with Tam?

Rand: *flushes and runs off to fetch Tam, the others leaving at the same time*

Narrator: Now, if the story may continue?

*Rand walks through the woods, unwilling to believe what he has just heard*

Rand: It was just a fever-dream. I am Rand al’Thor, son of Tam al’Thor. It was just a fever-dream. It was a fever-dream. A fever-dream, I tell you!

Assorted trees: *singing* It was a fever-dream *click, click* Oooh yeah, a fever-dream.

Rand: *glares at the trees, who shrink back into the forest, then continues towards Emond’s Field in silence*

*As Rand approaches the town, he sees smoke rising from the village.*

Egwene: *rushes from the village* Rand! The village – it’s burnt down! I’m so glad you’re here! With all the Trollocs around… Why are you alone? Where’s Tam? And why are you dragging around a pile of rags?

Pile of Rags: *regains consciousness for a few seconds* I am Tam! *faints*

Egwene: *peers closely at pile of rags* Oh yes, so it is. I really need to get glasses, but I guess I can’t since miraculously there are no short-sighted people in all of Randland, so there is no need for glasses. What happened to him, Rand?

Rand: Trollocs came. I am Rand al’Thor!

Egwene: Yes, I know that you’re Rand al’Thor. I’ll go get Nynaeve for Tam. And maybe she should look at you, as well. You’ve been acting rather strangely.

Rand: No… I’m fine. It was just a fever-dream, nothing more. I am Rand al’Thor! (hey, that rhymes!)

Egwene: *looks at Rand oddly before running into the village* Nynaeve! Where are you? Tam’s hurt!

Rand: My, her hands were clean!

Nynaeve: *comes rushing to Tam’s side, tugging her braid. She glances at him once.* Sorry. I can’t do anything. He’s as good as dead.

Rand: But…You must be able to do something!

Nynaeve: *seeming to loom over Rand* I must, must I? Who are you to tell me what I must and must not do?! I remember the day Tam brought you here! How dare you tell me what to do! I ought to box your ears for that! *sniff, tug, sniff, sniff, tug*

Chorus of charred figures: *singing* We will, we will, sniff you. We will, we will tug you.

Nynaeve: *Sniffs even louder than usual and folds her arms beneath her breasts. The figures disappear immediately* There are others I must take care of now. A Wisdom’s work is never done.

Egwene: Rand, I forgot to tell you that there are strangers in Emond’s Field; a lady and a man and a gleeman.

Rand: Strangers in Emond’s Field? But Emond’s Field is a hole! Few people visit and even fewer leave *laughs evilly*. That does not matter, anyway. I’ll take Tam to your father. He’ll be able to think of something.

Egwene: I’d better help Nynaeve or she’ll …*gasp*… sniff at me!!! *leaves*

Rand: *drags Tam to inn, where Bran al’Vere and a gleeman are sitting*

Bran: What happened to Tam, son?

Rand: He…

Bran: Never mind. Gleeman, go fetch the Wisdom.

Rand: *smirks*

Gleeman: Is there something you should be telling me about now?

Rand: Me? No, nothing at all.

Gleeman: Are you sure?

Rand: *nods*

Gleeman: All right, then. *rushes off*

Rand: *still smiling* Three…two…one…Wait! Nynaeve’s already…

*a few moments later, the Gleeman returns, his ears thoroughly boxed*

Gleeman: You didn’t tell me that she had already seen him!

Rand: Yes I did, but you had already left.

Gleeman: Well, anyway, my name is Thom Merrilin and I am going to perform here…

Rand: I don’t care! I need to get my father healed!

Thom: Everyone’s so picky! Why don’t you just go to Moiraine Sedai?

Rand: Good idea! *rushes off*

*Rand finds Moiraine and Lan counting Trollocs and ranking them in order from prettiest to ugliest.*

Moiraine: This one is definitely nae’blis.

Lan: That one? No, this one is much prettier than your one.

Moiraine: Drag… I mean, Rand, what do you think? Which is the prettier of the two Trollocs?

Rand: They’re both the ugliest beings I’ve ever seen! I don’t care about your stupid Trollocs! My father’s sick and he needs you to help him.

Lan: *appears right next to Rand after doing Aes Sedai Teleports Mysteriously Though Nobody Saw Her Move and prepares to do Cut the Bugger’s Tongue Out and Let Him Bleed To Death*

Moiraine: Lan! Put that sword away now!

Lan: *puts sword away*

Moiraine: Sit, Lan!

Lan: *sits*

Moiraine: Roll over, Lan!

Lan: *rolls over*

Rand: Um…excuse me, is this actually achieving anything?

Moiraine: Of course not *channels up a treat and tosses it to Lan* The author just added it to fill up space and possibly make a rather dry scene humorous.

Rand: Then, could you please help Tam?

Moiraine: Of course I will, Rand.

Rand: Thank you so much!

Moiraine: But there’s a price… *evil laughter fills the air as the screen fades out*

…To Be Continued…

~By Talissa Sedai

The Best of…
Dragon’s Creek
Best Episode #3: Do You Love Me?

*In the antechamber of Rand’s bedroom in the Stone of Tear, where Egwene and Elayne are trying to pass Rand’s Aiel guards*

Egwene: Let us past. We have come to check the Lord Dragon’s wounds.

Elayne: But Gwennie, Moiraine Healed…

Egwene: *channels a gag over Elayne’s mouth* Watch it, you snooty daughter of a queen. The Aiel are too stupid to know that. Those Aiel can be so stupid.

An unidentified Aiel man: *speaking to another, equally unidentified Aiel man* These wetlander Wise One are so naïve. I can’t believe that they don’t know that the other wetlander Wise One Healed the Lord Dragon. Those wetlanders can be so stupid.

*the stupid Aiel guards step aside for the stupid wetlander Wise Ones*

Rand: *spins around from where he had been standing and a fiery sword appears in his hand. He lunges and kills Elayne*

Narrator: Cut! That wasn’t in the script! What were you thinking, Rand?

Rand: Sorry, sir. It won’t ever happen again, sir. *mumbles* kill them all. kill them. kill them all.

Narrator: Why is it that every Rand we get always goes mad by the third book? Oh well. Bring in Elayne Number 2586. We’ll try that scene again. Take 945690245738247103!

Rand: *spins around from where he had been standing and a fiery sword appears in his hand* Why won’t you lot just leave me alone?! *sees who it is and looks at the ground sheepishly* Oops. I thought it was…

Egwene: That’s alright, Rand.

Rand: Wait a moment. You said that nicely. That means that… Moiraine put you up to this, didn’t she? Why can’t she just leave me alone? You can go and tell her to go to Shayol Ghul!

Elayne: But Rand, we want to help you!

Rand: That’s what she said, so why should I believe you?

Egwene: Because we want to help you channel.

Rand: How do I know that this isn’t some twisty Aes Sedai plot which I won’t see the point of until it’s too late? How do I know that this isn’t just bait and I’ll won’t realised that I’m hooked like a trout until it’s too late to swim away?

Egwene: You’ve been speaking to Tairens, haven’t you? You’re beginning to sound like the Amyrlin Seat!

Rand: *on his knees* Please no! Anything but that!

Elayne: Alright then, look at me.

Rand: *looks* I don’t see anything.

Elayne: Do you feel anything? I’m channelling.

Rand: No, just goosebumps, but that’s just because I know that you’re channelling.

Egwene: Fool man! That’s you feeling us channelling. Now, you channel.

Rand: *touches the Source*

Elayne: I don’t think he’s doing anything. I don’t feel anything.

Egwene: Are you channelling? You felt me channel, so I should be able to feel you channel and I don’t feel… *screams as she feels something pinch her bottom* That was not nice!

Rand: *yelps and runs around clutching his left buttock*

Egwene: *to Elayne* I don’t see what the big fuss is all about. It was just a tiny tap.

Elayne: Men! *sniff*

Rand: *has stopped running around* How dare you do that!

Egwene: You deserved it. Now, do something with the Power and we might be able to feel it.

Rand: *furious* Do something? Do something? *channels*

*Egwene and Elayne find themselves in midair, shielded*

Rand: How do you like this? *makes the tables dance and the fire flare up and the silver and gold stag and wolves melt* I’m insane! I’m insane! I’m well and truly mad! *suddenly stops and releases all his weaves* What did I do that for? I must be going mad.

Egwene: Never mind that. There’s something I must tell you. Rand, I cannot marry you. *prepares response for what Rand is inevitably going to say*

Rand: I know.

Egwene: You see? That’s the problem with men You don’t understand anything. You have never… *blink* *blink* You know? I didn’t think you’d understand. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want to marry you.

Rand: I understand. No woman could ever want…

Egwene: *yelling* You wool-brained idiot! I don’t care a sheep’s hair about you channelling! I don’t want to marry you because I don’t love you!

Rand: *eyes brimming up with tears* You don’t love me?! Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. I’m going to eat some worms.

Egwene: *quickly* No, I do love you.

Rand: Yay! Gwennie still loves me!

Egwene: But just as a brother.

Rand: *doesn’t know whether to be happy or upset* I guess I don’t really love you any more either.

Egwene: Thank goodness that’s all over. I’m sure you’ll find someone else soon (that’s your cue, Elayne). *leaves*

Rand: *after staring after Egwene, turns and almost hits the roof when he sees that Elayne is still there* Oh…I…I didn’t…I thought you…I thought you’d… *takes a deep breath* My Lady, I am not quite as much of a fool as I sound. Please forgive me, My Lady.

Elayne: *curtsies* Of course, my Lord Dragon.

Rand: *groans* Sorry about that.

Elayne: That’s okay. Now, please try to call me ‘Elayne’ from now on. Say it now.

Rand: Elayne.

Elayne: No, a bit less emphasis on the ‘E’.

Rand: Elayne.

Elayne: Very good! *taps his head and tosses him a demon treat due to her lack of dragon treats*

TypoDemon: Hey! Those are my demon treats!

Elayne: Sorry, Typo. *tosses TypoDemon the rest of the box of demon treats* Adn heer aer a fwe tyops fro yuo.

TypoDemon: Yummy!

Rand: *clears his throat* Can we get on with it now?

TypoDemon: Sorry. *leaves*

Rand: Would you like a flower, Elayne? *picks up a pile of feathers and concentrates, then frowns and drops the feathers* No, you deserve more than a flower made of feathers. You deserve *looks around desperately* this tiny piece of ugly fabric! I’m sure you could give it to a seamstress and have her make a…make a…

Elayne: I’m sure a seamstress would have plenty of ideas (I certainly don’t) *picks up feathers which Rand had dropped*

Rand: No, leave those. The servants will take care of them.

Elayne: I want them because you wanted them to be a flower.

Rand: *looks confused*

Elayne: Never mind. Let’s just say that it’s so the servants will have less work.

Rand: *looks slightly less confused*

Elayne: *sighs and decides to get to the point* Rand… Do you like me?

Rand: Yes, I like you.

Elayne: I like you.

Rand: I do, too.

Elayne: I like you very much.

Rand: I do, too.

Elayne: I’m fond of you.

Rand: I am, too.

Elayne: I’m very fond of you.

Rand: Yes, I’m very fond of me, too. That’s what I’ve been saying all along!

Elayne: Why do I have to be so wool-headed that I fall in love with a man who’s such a wool-brained sheepherder that he can’t even tell when I’m telling him that I’ve fallen in love with him?!

Rand: *shrugs*

Elayne: I give up. It’s time for me to take a lesson from Berelain. Rand, I order you to kiss me.

Rand: Kiss you?

Elayne: Light! You are such a lummox that you probably don’t know how to…

*Elayne is cut off by Rand taking her and kissing her. There is romantic music and the screen fades as they kiss lovingly*

…To Be Continued…

~By Talissa Sedai