The Roll of Film turns, and Ads come and pass, leaving very irritated viewers who leave the tel’ahv’izin to do other stuff until the Show that gave it birth comes again. In one Show, called the Mazrim Taim Show by some, in fact most, and the Rikki Lake Show by some very delusional minds, a song rose in the studio. The song was not the beginning. Wait a moment – actually, the song was the beginning.

The song had a catchy tune and was accompanied by shouts of “Go Mazrim! Go Mazrim!” from the audience. A tall man in a high-necked black coat entered and the audience started screaming and clapping even louder.

MT: Hello and welcome to another Mazrim Taim Show. Today’s gonna be great! We’ve got a man with a split personality, a woman who almost believes that she’s dead, and much more, so stay tuned!!!! Firstly, we’ve got a young man who’s got a voice in his head and thinks that he’s going insane. And, next to this, he’s cheating on all three of his lovers. Let’s all put our hands together for a man with two personalities, Dnar la’Roht!!!!!!

*A man in a dark cloak with its hood raised enters, looking around furtively*

MT: Welcome to the Mazrim Taim Show, Dnar. It’s great to have you here. You know, with a name like that, you must be either a Trolloc or the Dragon Reborn! And you certainly don’t look like a Trolloc.

Rand: He knows! We must kill him now! Kill them all! I should have killed him thousands of years ago when I had the chance! Shut up. Nobody’s killing anybody today. *mutter mutter* Hi Mazrim. It’s great to be here.

MT: So, Rand. Tell me about what’s bothering you.

Rand: Well, you see, to begin with, I’m cheating on three women.

MT: Elayne, Aviendha and Min? But I thought that they all know and accept this. Well, let’s bring them in anyway.

*Elayne, Aviendha and Min enter*

Elayne: Hi Mazrim! How’s life?

Aviendha: Why do I get the strange feeling that I’m about to incur toh towards someone?

Min: I see that you are *her eyes widen* No! You can’t be Dem…!

Rand: *groans* Why are they here? Now they’ll find out about her!

Min: Her? Who? My viewing said that I’d have to share you with two others, not three! What are you hiding from me, you wool-brained sheepherder?

Rand: *sighs* I’ll have to tell you, I guess. I’m married to another woman. Oh Light Ilyena! How could I have killed you? Please forgive me Ilyena!

Elayne: *laughs* What are you talking about? Didn’t you know that when Lews Therin killed Ilyena, her soul was split into three parts and I, Min and Aviendha each hold a part, so you’re not cheating on anyone!

Rand: *visibly brightening* Really? Alright then! I guess I can go now.

*Rand leaves, whistling tunelessly. Everyone watches after him for a few moments and then the girls shrug and go back to the backstage area*

MT: Well… So much for that. I was hoping for a bit of bloodshed, myself. Anyway, our next guest is Lews Therin Telamon, who claims that he hears voices.

*Rand comes back onto the stage and resumes his previous place*

MT: *sighs* Out of the cookpot and into the Trolloc. What are you doing here, Rand?

Rand: I’m LTT, of course! No, I’m not! I’m Rand al’Thor! I’m Rand Therin Thor! I’m Lews al’Telamon! Who in the name of the Light am I?

MT: I don’t know, but if you don’t make up your mind soon, I’ll have to put in an ad break.

Rand/LTT: NO! Anything but that! You’re him! You’re De- No. I mustn’t say it. KillkillkillkillkillthemallkillkillkillkillkillhimkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillhimkillkillkillkillkillkillkilleveryonekillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillDemandredkillTaimkillkillkill!

*a sword of fire appears in Rand’s hands and he starts spewing Balefire everywhere while rushing around waving the sword. Fifty Asha’man appear and shield him, making him settle down, then escort him out of the studio*

MT: I think that I can say for sure that he won’t be back *cheers rise in the audience* Now we have a woman who has heard so many rumors that she is dead that she believes it herself. Let’s all welcome Moraine Damodred!

Moiraine: *enters sedately* Hello, Mazrim.

MT: Hi Moiry. Welcome to the Show. Can you tell me exactly what your problem is?

Moiraine: Well, you see, there are so many rumors going around that I’m dead, that I’m beginning to get worried. There can’t be that many rumors all saying the same thing unless they’re true and there’s so much evidence that I’m dead that I can’t argue that point.

MT: But, if you’re dead, then how can you be here talking to me?

Moiraine: The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. *thinks about what he said and remembers that dead people are generally inanimate, so she collapses*

MT: Oh well. *claps his hands and a pair of Asha’man come to drag her backstage* Why do I get the feeling that this is going to be a long night? Next we have a tone-deaf Tinker with an obsession with swords. Here’s Aram!

*Aram enters*

MT: Welcome to tMTS, Aram. Tell me about your problems.

Aram: Thanks, Mazrim. I hate life as a Tinker. *a few shocked gasps from Tinkers in the audience* All it is is running from things while singing disgusting songs. I’m tone-deaf, you see, so I hate music. I mean, the fashion’s the only thing worth staying for. There aren’t even any decent Tinker girls!

A distraught voice from the crowd: I thought you loved me, Aram baby!

Aram: *winces* That would be Ferolin. She’s hideous! Anyway, I hated Tinker life, so I saw a sword one day, took it and, ‘Wham!’ here I am now.

MT: And you’re happy with this type of life?

Aram: Of course I am! This rocks!

MT: So why exactly are you here?

Aram: So I can check out all of the sexy chicks who watch these shows. *a symphony of sniffs from the audience* *leaves to speak to some of the girls in the audience*

MT: You see, folks? People sometimes do leave this show happy. We have time for only one more guest tonight. *a Myrddraal starts to emerge from the shadows* Let’s make our next guest, Shai- *sees the Myrddraal point to a small crystal box around its neck and swallows nervously* I mean, Shaidar Haran, who is most definitely NOT the Dark One! Of course he isn’t! *he is sweating by this stage*

*the Myrddraal comes fully out of the shadows and stands near Mazrim. He easily towers over the man*

SH: You will watch your tongue, servant.

MT: Yes, Great Master. Umm… What did you want to speak about?

SH: *sighs* Well, to begin with, those fool servants of mine who call themselves the Chosen, though they weren’t chosen at all – they volunteered, are so utterly incapable of doing anything right that I sometimes feel the urge to order them to throw themselves into the Pit of Doom. By the way, if you’re not careful, that’s where you’ll end up.

MT: Yes, Great Master. I live to serve.

SH: Anyway, they’re all hopeless! Aginor and Balthamel are hardly worth mentioning. They got themselves killed so quickly the first time that I don’t see why I went to the trouble of finding them the new bodies of Aran’gar and Osan’gar. Well, at least Aginor seems to be doing a fairly good job in his, or should I say ‘her’ new body. And then there’s Ishamael. I can’t believe that fool let himself be killed three times! After the third time, his old body was so ruined that even I couldn’t reanimate him, so again I had to find a new body. Be’lal isn’t even worth mentioning – he let himself be killed by that fool of a woman! I refuse to even think about that traitor, Asmodean. Lanfear was a man-brained weakling, who I shouldn’t have reanimated. Rahvin was almost doing a good job, but he was arrogant. Moghedian needs a constant watcher to make sure she doesn’t let herself be captured again. Graendal is relying on the weaknesses of the others too much and her Suroth disguise will never last. Semirhage is too obsessed with pain. Mesaana only whines about becoming a teacher. Sammael was a weak fool. And as for Demandred, he’s putting himself so far in the hands of Lews Therin that I am beginning to question his loyalty. *breathes deeply after saying all that in one breath* Are you loyal?

MT: *glances at the camera nervously, then decides which answer should be the least dangerous* I am loyal to my master. *before anyone has time to find any hidden meanings behind that, he continues* Well, that was an interesting night, wasn’t it? I’ll be back with more next week!

*lights fade and you hear a mob converge on Mazrim, led by two separate leaders. One is a tall man of shadows and the other only yells, “killkillkillkillkillkillkillkill!”*

Well, that’s it for now. Depending on the success of this, I might post another one, but even if I don’t, my head’s buzzing with ideas.

Until next time.

~Talissa Sedai
Keeper of the Pen
Scribe of Tar Valon