**Author’s Note – I will not attempt to convince you that this is a real interview with Robert Jordan as you most definitely will not believe me because you are all stubborn woolheads who probably wouldn’t believe me anyway.**

Host: Good afternoon, Mr Jordan. It’s a pleasure to have you here today.

RJ: Get on with it. I have books to not write.

Host: *clears his throat nervously* Okay then. The first question I have on my list is, ‘What happened to Mat in PoD?’

RJ: Mat? Who…? OH BLOOD AND FLAMING BLOODY ASHES! I knew that I forgot something when I wrote that book! Well, it’s part of the Pattern now, so I guess I’ll just leave out that bit and bring him back in WH without the explanations which would have been in PoD.

Host: That brings me to the second question. ‘Why is it that sometimes you seem to jump around and skip scenes’?

RJ: Because I’ve forgotten what’s supposed to be happening, of course! That’s my job. I’m supposed to keep all of you suckers…I mean readers thinking. *claps twice*

Mrs Jordan: *enters in response to claps* You called, mighty Dragon?

RJ: What did I tell you about calling me that in public?

MJ: I am deeply sorry, Lord Dragon…I mean dear husband. I shall kill myself immediately.

RJ: Don’t do that, fool woman! I need you to remember things for me! I have something for you to remember now. Open quote. Bring Mat back into WH. Close quote. That is all. You are dismissed.

Host: Wait! While you are here, I’ll take the opportunity to ask you this question. ‘Do you believe that the women in WoT are based on you in any way?

MJ: *sniffs* Of course not! *tugs her braid, which is conveniently placed over one shoulder* I am nothing like those woolheads in WoT! *twitches her shawl* You are just like any other fool man to suggest such a thing! *folds her arms under her breasts and then sniffs again, for good measure, before storming away, tugging at her braid*

Host: Mr Jordan. This is a question which has been plaguing WoTers for ages.

RJ: Oh no…

Host: ‘Who killed Asmodean?’

RJ: *l* Is that the best they can come up with? I thought it would be… *stops himself in time* I don’t think I’ll pursue that train of thought. It was the Ishmael, of course! He got jealous of Asmodean’s popularity with Rand and KAZOOM!

Host: *laughs nervously* okay then. And for the final question… ‘Who is the Daughter of the Nine Moons?’

RJ: *lol* You’ve got to be kidding! Don’t tell me you haven’t worked that one out yet! *looks at host’s straight face and takes on a disbelieving tone* You’re serious, aren’t you? I’ll tell you. She is Lanfear, of course! Lanfear is the Daughter of the Night, so it makes sense, doesn’t it? *lol some more* This has been a very entertaining afternoon! I never realised my readers were so stupid! Thank you, host.

Host: RJ, wait! I just realised that there’s one more question. ‘Will the series ever end?’

RJ: Of course not! The series is like the Wheel itself. It continues turning forever. The Wheel of Time turns, and books come and pass, leaving memories that become misinterpreted legend. Misinterpreted legend fades to completely irrational myth and even completely irrational myth is long forgotten when the book that it gives birth to comes again. So, as the Wheel goes on forever, so shall the series. *leaves through a gateway*

Host: er…Thank you very much Mister Jordan…I guess. Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for the departed Robert Jordan *there are a few hesitant claps*. May he die a sudden and painful death very soon since he is never planning on finishing the series *a much more enthusiastic applause and even a few cheers*. That is all for today’s interview. Tomorrow we shall be joined by David Eddings *under his breath* If it’s anything like this interview, I’m finding another job. Maybe as a statue in the White Tower… *leaves*

~By Talissa Sedai