Nynaeve’s Revenge ******************************************************************** Nynaeve stood at the door of the White Tower, frowning, hand firmly planted on her braid. She had recently received notice from the "Amyrlin Seat," Egwene. Egwene’s writing had been sloppy, obviously written in a hurry. She pushed open the tall wooden doors and stormed into the hall. She walked down corridor after corridor until she reached the Amyrlin’s study. Not bothering to knock, she walked in, hand still clenching braid.
"Nynaeve! You’re finally here! I thought you weren’t coming!" Egwene rushed to stand up, almost falling over.
"I almost didn’t." Nynaeve said coolly. "Well thank the Light you did!" Egwene regained her balance. To Nynaeve’s surprise, she embraced saidar, and wove a ward to prevent eavesdropping around the room.
"Egwene, what is the meaning of this? Why have you summoned me so urgently?" Nynaeve put as much contempt in the word summoned as she could muster.
"Well, you see, I never really expected for the Sitters to elect me as Amyrlin Seat, so I didn’t really pay attention to the explanation of the ‘job’ of Amyrlin, and, well..."
"Spit it out, Egwene." Nynaeve folded her arms beneath her breasts.
**Author’s Note-We had to stick that cliché in there somewhere...**
"I’m in over my head, Nynaeve! I never wanted to be Amyrlin during a war! I’m not good at planning strategies and stuff. But I know who is..." She gave Nynaeve a sly smile.
"What’s wrong? Have you been drinking, Egwene?" Nynaeve frowned at her.
"Oh you wool-headed buffoon! I want you to be my Keeper!"
"What happened to Sheriam?"
"Well, during the war, she took a nasty blow to the head, and confessed that she had been beating herself up all along."
"Really..." Nynaeve raised an eyebrow.
**Yet another cliché...**
"Yes, really! So will you?"
"Oh why not..."

********************************************************************

"It’s so great to have you as my Keeper, Nynaeve."
"Sure. Whatever you say." Nynaeve was busy pondering. She had been pondering all day.
"Well, I need to go to my study and, um, write to Lan." Nynaeve lied quickly. She quickly ran back to her study and sat behind the desk, ignoring the heaps of papers that were already on it. Bloody Egwene. Pushing her into this goat-kissing Keeper job. But that wasn’t what Nynaeve was pondering.
Before Alviarin was executed, she had talked to Nynaeve and planted some very intruiging ideas in her head. Alviarin had run the Tower through Elaida. Why couldn’t Nynaeve? Better yet, why couldn’t Nynaeve get rid of Egwene and plant herself on the Amyrlin Seat? It looked so comfy....
But the chair wasn’t all of the job, even if it was cushy. There was all of that Last Battle and Dragon Reborn crap.to deal with. She looked at the most recent drawing of Rand. Had he gained weight?

******************************************************************** Rand sat on the Dragon throne, eating chocolates. He was thinking about how good they tasted, when his thoughts turned to Elayne. He hadn’t seen her in a great while, and was thinking of writing her. Just as if his thoughts had come alive, Elayne burst throught the door. "Rand!" She ran to him. "Have you gained weight?"
"What do you mean?" His belly jiggled as he laughed at her "joke."
"Have you ever seen Star Wars?"
"Yeah, why?"
"You know Jabba the Hut...?"
"Yeah?"
"Never mind"
"Anyway, Rand, it’s so good to see you!"
"Jabba the Hut..." Rand was muttering to himself. "Must kill must break Jabba must die must pop the balloon that is Jabba must pop..."
Min walked in with a plateful of chocolate cake.
"Here’s some more cakey-wakey for my big man," she cooed at Rand. Suddenly her gaze turned to Elayne. "What’s SHE doing here?"
"I was just talking to Jab-uh, Rand here. So we would mind if you gave us some privacy..."
"Oh Light! Oh so much blood! Oh Elayne, not Elayne! No! You must run far! You will die if you stay here! Please go as far away from here as you can!" Min burst into tears and clung to Rand’s arm.
Elayne turned and sprinted out of the hall as fast as she could.
"Hee hee hee... I knew it would work." Min giggled.
Suddenly a man wearing a Taco Bell t-shirt ran in.
"Jorge, my man! You got my order ready?" Rand called from the throne.
"The usual, a Grande Meal with extra everything. Maria made the large sized tortillas especially for you, Rand."
"Thanks man, see you same time tomorrow?"
"Definitely my man." Jorge said, tucking the gold Andoran Crown into his pocket.

********************************************************************

Mat flipped the gold coin and caught it in his hand. How lucky that that building had only trapped his right leg! And he had collected a hefty fee from the people who owned the building. Suddenly a tall dark woman stepped out from an alley. She had a huge wart on her nose, and was missing her two front teeth.
"Hewwo, Matwim." She grinned a toothless grin.
**Author’s Note-We never thought we’d stoop this low...**
"Um, hi there." Mat grimaced. "How do you know my name?"
"Becauth I am going to mawwy you." She walked toward him.
"Excuse me?" Mat began to panick.
"My name ith the Daughter of the Nine Moonth." She wraped her arms around his neck.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" Mat unhinged the woman from him and ran far, far, away.

********************************************************************

Nynaeve smiled to herself. Egwene was such a pansy. She would be so easy to everthrow. Nynaeve wondered who she would get her revenge on first. Maybe Lefty, he said she was annoying.
**Author’s Note-Lefty, I told you I’d get back at you for that!!*g* -Nyn**
Maybe BrandiSedai, she wanted to steal Lan from her.
**Author’s Note-once again, I told you I’d get back at you for that, Brandi*g* -Nyn**
She walked into Egwene’s study, where Egwene was sleeping quietly. "WAKE UP, FOOL!!!!!" She screamed into her ear.
"Wha-huh?" Egwene awoke with a start. "What did you say?"
"I said ‘Wake up, my dear Amyrlin’." Nynaeve smiled sweetly.
"Oh Nynaeve, I had the most awful dream! I dreamed that I was stilled!"
"Hmmm, you know that your dreams foretell the future, right? You must step down as Amyrlin Seat or you will be stilled!"
"Ok! I’ll resign immediately!"
**Author’s Note- We know an Amyrlin doesn’t just "resign" but we didn’t want to go into detail...**
"That was wayyyyy too easy." Nynaeve said to herself.

********************************************************************

Meanwhile Rand had finished his Grande Meal and was eating some ham. Suddenly a Maiden of the Spear came to his door.
"Enter!*BUUUUUUUUUURP*"
"Caracarn, your two loyal subjects are here to grovel at your feet. By the way, have you gaied weight?" She motioned for two people to come in.
"Hello Lord Dragon. May I kiss your feet Lord Dragon? My name is Lefty."
"Hi, Randy...can I give you a massage Lord Dragon? My name is Brandi Sedai, and I am Green Ajah..." She smiled slyly. Meanwhile, Min looked like she was about to burst.
"Aren’t you going to say I gained weight?" Rand frowned.
"Oh yes Lord Dragon! You are fatter than a pig on Christmas Day!" Lefty made an elegant leg.
"Oh Lord Dragon, your jelly rolls are so, um, pretty!" BrandiSedai stammered.
"WHAT???" Rand roared. "Are you implying that I am FAT?"
"Isn’t that what you wante me us to say? That you gained weight?" Lefty looked confused, as did BrandiSedai.
"I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!!!!!!!" Rand reached for saidin but he couldn’t reach it because he was just too fat.

THE END---For now...?

Moir & Nyn

Nynaeve's Revenge Part 2

[Editor note: Okay, for those who have NO idea, Lefty, Paed, and the other poor victims that are mentioned that don't seem to be in the WoT books are people from the Pages of Prophesy chat who somehow caught the attention of the authors and was therefore given the silly cameos. Apparently, though, I'm not important enough... *g* j/k]

Nynaeve’s Revenge-Part II

Nynaeve stepped into the Amyrlin’s Study where Egwene was packing her things. She was holding a strange ter’angreal **Author’s Note-See Christmas Stag Party** and gazing longingly at it.
“Ahem.” Nynaeve cleared her throat loudly.
“Oh! Nynaeve!” Egwene hastily shoved the ter’angreal into a box on her desk. “I didn’t hear you come in. I was just packing up my things.”
“So, you’re really resigning as Amyrlin?” Nynaeve was puzzled. She knew that it had been too easy to get Egwene to resign.
“Yup.” Egwene said. “You will make a much better Amyrlin than me.” She smiled.
“Wha-Egwene! Aren’t you going to protest and whimper and say ‘Oh why do I have to resign?’”
“Nope.” Egwene foled the Amyrlin’s Stole carefully and laid it on her chair.
“Okay.” Nynaeve walked out.

********************************************************************

"OUT! GET OUT ALL OF YOU!" Rand thundered, waving his flabby arm around. Everyone ran out, for fear of being sat on. Rand nodded in satisfaction. He was still the Dragon Reborn, after all. But what was all this about him gaining weight? Rand tried to get up to waddle over to the mirror. He tried again. And again. "Oh screw it" he thought. Of course he hadn't gained weight. Suddenly the door burst open and Cadsuane strolled in, followed by her two lackeys. Rand wondered again about why no one ever knocked **Author's note: we think it's because a 2,000-pound Jabba the Hutt look-a-like eating a ham isn't a very threatening savior/ruler figure**
"Rand!" Cadsuane said sharply, studying him. Then as an afterthought, she added, "Have you gained weight?" Rand took another bite out of his ham.
"What is *munch* it now *crunch* Cadsuane?" Rand said, his quad-duple chin waggling in anger at being interrupted from eating.
"What under the Light is that you're watching Rand?" Cadsuane pointed at the ti'e'vie.
"Oh that. That's just my ti'e'vie." Rand said importantly.
"Oh no Mamasita! Bueno?" blared the ti'e'vie. Rand chortled in delight at the ti'e'vie. **Author's note: In case you haven't caught on, a ti'e'vie = TV.**
"El hacere dano otra vez!" blared the ti'e'vie."No Theresa! NO! NO! Stay with Miguel!" Rand waved his arms around at the ti'e'vie in frustration.
"And what is it you're watching Rand?" Cadsuane said patiently, as talking to a small child.**Author's note: in some senses, it is like Cadsuane is talking to a small child.**
"La Vida Loca." Rand replied without taking his eyes off the screen.
"But….isn't it a bad idea to watch Spanish soap operas when you don't understand the words?"
Cadsuane said. Rand completely ignored her and began yelling at the ti'e'vie.

********************************************************************

Meanwhile, Mat was still running from the Daughter of The Nine Moons, who was pretty speedy.

********************************************************************

Min walked into Rand's chambers. Now she had him all to herself, thanks to that false vision she told Elayne about. Min looked around the room. She saw Rand and Cadsuane and Cadsuane's two lackeys sitting around a strange box-like thing that had strange high-pitched sounds coming out of it. Min walked around to Rand.
"Hi my wittle Randy-wandy," she said giving him more cake. Rand suddenly burst into tears. "Rand what's wrong?!" Min asked worriedly. She noted that the other three around the box were weeping too.
"Mamasita," Rand shook his huge head sadly. Min sighed and settled down to watch the strange box.

********************************************************************

Perin couldn’t sleep. He kept getting this strange urge to go howl at the moon. Finally he couldn’t take it any more. He crept out of bed carefully, for he definitely didn’t want to wake up Faile, she was especially cranky in the middle of the night. He walked over to the front door and opened it slowly. CREEEEEEAAAAAAKKKK! He listened for Faile. Phew! He thought. As he was walking, he suddenly stubbed his toe on the doorframe. “Oh blood and bloody ashes!” He quickly covered his mouth after the shout. Suddenly, he farted. The tiniest little fart.
“Perrin?” Faile called. “What are you doing up?”
“Oh, why did we have to eat Taco Bell for dinner?” Perrin moaned.

********************************************************************

Demandred strolled into Rand's chambers. He was going to teach Lews Therin once and for all. He looked around for Rand. Demandred saw a huge lump in the middle of the room and nodded. Had Rand gained weight? There was a huge gathering around something in the middle of the room. There was Cadsuane, her two lackeys, Kiruna, Bera, Sorilea, Amys, Bair, and all the Wise Ones, 400 or so odd Far Dareis Mai, Shaidar Haran, Cyndane, Semirhage, Mesaana, Moghedien, the Gars, Jorge, and…and….Demandred rubbed his eyes. It couldn't be! He fell to his stomach and knelt to the Great Lord of the Dark, who was actually Brittney Spears.
"Great Lord, I had no idea," Demandred begged. "But, why come here?" The Great Lord ignored Demandred and groaned along with the rest. And all the while, the great lump that was Rand kept on eating.

********************************************************************

Thom Merrilin strummed his harp gently while reciting “The Tale of the Obese Dragon”

As he sat on his Dragon Throne
Lazily throwing ‘way chicken bones
The Dragon got very obese

He got thunderous applause from that one!

******************************************************************** Loial was sooooo excited! He was finally going to see the King and Queen Ogier! “Hey! Paed! Pick up my crown, I dropped it!” Loial heard a loud Ogier whisper.
“Yes Gil Shalos my love, here it is!” Another Ogier whisper.
Suddenly two Ogier walked in. They sat down.
“Psssst!” Yet another Ogier whisper. “What are we supposed to do in these cameo roles anyway?”
“Ahhhh, just sit there!” Another whisper.

********************************************************************

Lefty strolled down the street happily. Suddenly he was balefired by some unknown source…..

******************************************************************** Nynaeve sat in the Amyrlin Seat, stole around her shoulders. It was even more comfortable than she had imagined it being! She snuggled in the soft cushioning and felt delightfully happy! Who cared about the silly Last Battle? She had some revenge to plan….

********************************************************************

The End-of Part 2, maybe there will be a part three???…..ok, yes there will be…

Love, Moir and Nyn

Nynaeve's Revenge 3

[Editor note: Yah! I finally got a cameo! Whooooooo!]

The Wheel of Time turns, and ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotter when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the F’at Age by some, and Age yet to come, and Age long past, Rand broke wind on the Dragon Throne. The wind was not the beginning, but it came close to rotting the Wheel of Time. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of time. But it was a beginning.

“Whoo hoo! That was just the beginning! There’s more where that came from!” Rand laughed and broke wind loudly.

********************************************************************

Elayne ran and ran, away rom the terrible fate that was to become of her. Suddenly, she saw Mat running toward her. A tall, dark, ugly woman was chasing him. Suddenly Mat jumped out of the way, sending Elayne crashing into the ugly woman. “Thanks Elayne!” Mat called over his shoulder, and ran on.

********************************************************************

Nynaeve sat in the Amyrlin Seat. She loved sitting there! All at one there was a knock on her door. “What?” She growled. She had a headache and did not want to be disturbed. Plus, she was still planning her revenge.
“Hello Amyrlin, it is just Semir.” A tall dark woman walked in. “Semir can help you. Semir knows that the Amyrlin Seat is planning things.” She gave Nynaeve a*weg*.
“How do you know what I am planning?”
“I just know, go with it!” Semir whispered.
“Whatever.” Nynaeve yawned.
“Who can Semir help you plan revenge on first?” Semir rubbed her hands together and looked very, um, evil, that is, if anyone talking in third person can look REALLY evil…*g*

******************************************************************** Thom Merrilin continued playing his harp. **Author’s Note- no words this time, we couldn’t think up anything clever enough**
Suddenly, The Phantom Masterizer ran in.
“I’m finally important enough!!” He yelled, opened his mouth again, closed it, and then opened it again. “Prophecy (as in Pages of) is spelled with a C, not an S!” **Author’s Note-that one was for you, TPM! *g* Moir & Nyn**
“Weird.” Said Thom Merrilin, and played on.

********************************************************************

“Perrin? What are you doing up?” Faile walked into the living room. “I was so worried about you!”
“I was just in the living room.” Perrin answered sulkily.
“By the way, Perrin, I forgot to ask you, when I was washing the dishes, I couldn’t put this dish up, because I can’t reach it. Will you come and put it up for me?”
“Awwwww Faile, why do I always have to do everything? I’m so trapped here!”
“But-but-Perrin, I, I mean, it was just a dish, and I can’t reach it, and…”
“That’s it! I want to be free to live my own life! I’m going to visit Rand!” And with that, he stormed out the door, leaving Faile standing behind him, puzzled.

******************************************************************** “Semir thinks that sounds perfect, your Amyrlinness” Semir looked over the plans she and Nynaeve had drawn up. “So first it’s Lefty, then Rand, then Brandi, then, hmmmm…. Semir thinks you should just do it all at once. Call them all together, and then I’ll have the Black Ajah kill them!”
“Sounds good to me! I’ll make out some summons for them…”

******************************************************************** Thom Merrilin looked at the annoying person sitting at the table in front if him. If he doesn’t stop making faces at me, I’ll, I’ll… Lefty crossed his eyes, stuck out his tounge, and puffed up his cheeks at Thom.
“Grrk!” Thom lunged at Lefty with one of his harp strings, strangling Lefty.
“Ahh. Much better.” Thom said, standing up, brushing off his hands. “But wait, what is that awful face he’s making now? Even in death he taunts me! Why? Oh Morgase, oh Owen, why??”

******************************************************************** Rand, Lefty (well, what was left of him), BrandiSedai, oh, let’s say Min, Valan Luca, that one bear trainer from the menagerie (Author’s Note-darn it, whats her name?) Berelain, Moghedien, Myrelle, Moiraine, (Authors Note- Sorry, Moir, I had to do it*weg* -Nyn) and basically everyone who had even Looked at Nynaeve in a strange way was gathered in the White Tower in front of Nynaeve. Nynaeve smiled at Semir, who was in the back of the room. The Black Ajah was positioned. Everything was set. Nynaeve just had to welcome everyone, tell them why they were here, and then stand up, which was the signal for the Black Ajah to kill them all.
“Now, I supose you are all wondering why I called you here.” Nynaeve began. “Well, it’s for-REVENGE!!!!!” She tried to stand up, but the Amyrlin Seat was too soft, too comfortable. She was stuck. “Oh crap.” She said, and sank back into the pillows.

********************************************************************

THE END-once and for all, well, there might be a Christmas Special, or an Easter, or Thanksgiving, or Valentines Day, or St Patrick’s Day, or Groundhog Day, maybe our birthdays…

Love, Moir and Nyn