NOTE: The current spoof-title is very weak. I'll probably change it without notice. This is meant as the sort of treatment of WoT that Mad Magazine might do if they ever got around to it. Future installments will not be written on any set schedule, this one just sort of happened by sheer accident, much like a case of spontaneous combustion occurring in your wastebasket just because it had been a few years since you emptied it out and washed away the chemical deposits from rotting materials of various types. Where was I? Oh yes, please let me know if you actually enjoyed it. If nobody likes it, I probably won't inflict any more of them on you (maybe).

Splash page. Lined up facing us we have the principal characters of the series. But first, we have the introductory paragraph as a caption across the top:

CAPTION: The Wheel of Time turns, and ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one age, called the Absurd Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind arose across the land of the Two-and-a-half Rivers. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time - despite any number of nasty letters arriving in Jordan's mailbox every morning from disgruntled fans, including several promised lawsuits for mental cruelty and unconstitutional torture, and not a few threats of suicide and.or murder if the problem is not quickly alleviated by, at the very least, a public pledge to have the whole series wrapped up in a mere three more books or else promise that any book after the next three will be handed out free of charge over the Internet to anyone who asks for it, in recognition of their long and faithful service in paying through the nose for the privilege of reading the first eleven and making Jordan independently wealthy - but it was *a* beginning. Specifically a beginning to a Mad Magazine - style parody which hopefully won't drag out quite as long as the original model has been doing, if only because the humble Creator of this parody doesn't get paid a dime in royalties (you ingrates!) and thus has no financial incentive to make him constantly revise his estimates on how long it will take to hit the grand finale.

RANT: Hello, I'm Rant all'Star! Subtle hints will be dropped throughout the first volume that I am the destined savior of humanity, but I'll miss every last one of them! Really sounds like I'm the kind of alert, streetwise, fast-thinking guy you want to trust with your life, eh? But don't worry!

MADTL: Hello, I'm Mad Caughtin'theact! I'm always pulling practical jokes and never quite getting away with them! You'd think I'd learn, but hey, with a minimum of eleven volumes to fill Jordan can't afford to let go of a good idea once he gets his hands on it! Later I'll give up the practical jokes in favor of other pursuits! Does this mean I will become a more mature character with better judgment in how to spend my time? Get real! I'm going to make loads of money in various types of gambling and wild risk-taking transactions, while chasing every pretty woman in sight! In a previous life I think I used the name Donald Trump!

PEERING: Hello, I'm Peering ayBore . As we open up the series, I'm so fundamentally moral, reliable, patient, hardworking, and generally wholesome that the real mystery is why these two bozoes named Rant all'Star and Mad Caughtin'theact are the best I can do in the way of friends! But I have a secret, sordid side - before this first book is over I'll be an animal rights activist who thinks nothing of taking the law into his own hands and chopping human beings in half because they actually had the unmitigated gall to defend themselves when attacked by poor homeless wolves who were merely seeking sustenance for their young!

EGGING: Hello, I'm Egging All'Them'on! For the last couple of years Rant and I have had a certain understanding, as we say here in the land of Two-and-a-half Rivers! I understand that we're going to get married someday, and he understands that I won't bash his head in with a frying pan if he doesn't raise petty arguments about never having actually popped the question to me!

NIGHTEVE: Hello, I'm Nighteve al'Mare! I was named Nighteve because I was born just as evening was turning into pitch blackness, and my father couldn't decide if "Night" or "Eve" was more appropriate, so he dithered around and finally tried to name me both! Typical woolheaded male! But my friends find "Nighteve al'Mare" is an awkward, four-syllable mouthful to say, so they all have a pet nickname for me: "Night'Mare!"

Page 2. Panel 1. Rant and his father, Spam, are in a wagon riding into town through the woods. Rant is looking back over his shoulder. A dark figure is lurking in the background.

RANT: Dad! Dad! I think a mysterious black-garbed rider is staring at us! There's something about him that gives me the creeps! 

SPAM: Like what?

RANT: He wears a black cloak that doesn't even flutter in the wind!

SPAM: Big deal.

RANT: He doesn't have any eyeballs!

SPAM: So what?

RANT: I think he's wearing a sword, too!

SPAM: LIGHT PRESERVE US! HE MUST BE A REVENUE AGENT FROM THE GOVERNMENT! TWO-AND-A-HALF RIVERS FOLKS NEVER WEAR SWORDS! GIDDYUP, LUGOSI!

Panel 2. The wagon is now stopped in the middle of town. Spam is looking back over his shoulder.

SPAM: Well, we outran him, Rant! And a good thing too, when we've got a fresh barrel of moonshine here for the Bell Time festivities!

RANT: Yeah, whatever . . .

Panel 3: Rant and Egging, seen in profile, he looks bashful (and is!), she looks demure (as if!).

RANT: Hey, Egging! Do you want to, er, you know, um . . . 

EGGING: Dance with you at the party?

RANT: Er . . .

EGGING: And hold your hand while we watch the fireworks?

RANT: Well . . .

EGGING: And maybe smooch a little in the dark?

RANT: Um . . .

EGGING: Oh, I really don't know if I'm ready for our relationship to get that serious, Rant! You're getting so pushy about these things!

RANT: Gee, I'm sorry!

EGGING: But against my better judgment, I MIGHT condescend to dance with you!

RANT: You - you would?

EGGING: Oh, you silver-tongued devil, you talked me into it! How could I ever refuse you?

Panel 4. Rant and Spam are unloading the barrels of moonshine.

SPAM: Son, it's almost shameful the way you flirt with that girl! When are you thinking of getting married? Not that I'm trying to push you into anything! Nosiree, "Let kids lead their own lives!" has always been my motto and always will be! Could you name the first boy after me? I'll understand if you have to name the tyke after HER daddy instead, as long as the second one is named after me!

RANT: But dad, I don't remember saying I wanted to marry Gwan! 

SPAM: Son, I'm ashamed of you! I thought I taught you better than that! This is no time to be getting cold feet! A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do! You have to follow through on your obligations!

Panel 5: Mad and Peering come running up. 

MAD & PEERING (in unison): Rant! Rant! Guess what! There are STRANGERS in town!

RANT: What kind of strangers?

MAD: Well, there's a gleeclubman, and a lady dressed in blue, and her bodyguard, and -

RANT (covering his mouth with his hand): Yawn.

PEERING: And Pathetic Faint, the travelling salesman! Of course he's not really a stranger, but -

RANT: PATHETIC FAINT? Oh boy oh boy oh boy! 

PANEL 6: Rant is running through the streets of the village, with Mad and Peering tearing along right behind him.

MAD: Rant! (Pant) Rant! (Pant)! Why are you in such a (pant) hurry to find (pant) Pathetic Faint (Pant), Rant (Pant)? You're running so fast (pant), I can (pant) barely keep up without (pant) panging, Pant! I mean Rant! (Pant)

RANT: Because last year when he came through here, I gave him my life's savings and ordered something really special!

PEERING: Did you order a Warder Secret Decoder Ring, Rant?

RANT: NO!

PEERING: Was it a "Complete Guide to boring life on a sheep farm," Rant?

RANT: NO!

Page 3. Panel 1. Rant runs up to where Faint is outside his wagon.

FAINT (orating to the crowd): I'm telling you, ladies and gents, it's terrible out there! We've got Phony Dragons, Artificially Sweetened Dragons, Low-Cal Dragons, and even Two For the Price of One" Dragons! But not one - not ONE of these brave challengers for the role of most powerful and utterly insane legendary figure come back to life - has been able to show the credentials that will prove him The Dragon Retorn!

RANT: Mister Faint! Mister Faint! Did you get it? Did you bring my special order? Did ya? Huh? Huh?

FAINT: Here ya go, kid. Now scram, ya bother me!

Panel 2: All three are clustered together as Rant opens up the package.

PEERING: What is it, Rant?

MAD: Is it a collection of marked cards and loaded dice? I could have LOTS of fun with those! And I've give you half the net!

RANT: No!

MAD: Okay, half the GROSS! You drive a hard bargain, but you ARE my friend!

RANT: I mean No, it's not crooked gambling stuff! It's my dream come true - a complete edition of the Travels of Jane Stridentfarer, the loudest and best-traveled female lecturer in recorded history! After all, guys, let's face facts! I'm never going to go anywhere! Reading about her incredible lecture tours is the closest I'll come to being a globetrotter!

FOOTNOTE: In case you missed it, gentle readers, this is a classic instance of irony. Your guide to quality literature!

Panel 3. Rant and Spam are in the wagon again, heading back to the farm.

RANT: But Dad, why did we both go into Town to deliver a few barrels of moonshine if we were going to come right back to the farm, and THEN back to town again, before the party? And why did I have to come with you when there's nothing on the farm that you can't do for yourself!

SPAM: Shush your mouth, boy! When your daddy - who happens to be a walking, talking, plot device to arrange to have you in the right place at the right time - tells you to do something, you do it! My copy of the script (which I ain't allowed to show you) says there are major occurrences scheduled for Page 3, Panel 5!

RANT: C'mon dad, just a peek at it?

SPAM: No, son, I'm under strict orders to never tell you anything that could conceivably help you understand your origin or the current machinations of the plot occurring "offstage" and "behind the scenes"! But don't feel left out! A million readers are stuck in the same boat! There's a recurring rumor that even Jordan himself hasn't quite worked out what's "really" happening in his own story and is hoping one of his fans will figure it out first and tell him in time for the grand finale where everything has to revealed at once!

RANT: Man, that's what I call tight security!

Panel 4. Spam is coming to the dinner table, wearing plate armor and carrying a sword.

RANT: Dad? There's something different about the way you're fixed up for dinner tonight!

SPAM: Ahem! Are you suggesting there's anything strange about my suddenly pulling on my +3 Plate Armor, Boots of Sturdiness, and Longsword of Unbreakable Material before sitting down at a quiet meal with my own son, even if it *is* the first time in 19 years that you've even realized I owned such gear?

RANT: Well, actually I was thinking about the weird way you parted your hair on the left instead of right down the middle like you always do when you wash up, but now that you mention it . . . gee, does your secret script say that your old military gear is necessary for the next surprise Plot Twist?

SPAM: Enough of your paranoid suspicious, son! Let's have some chow!

SFX: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

RANT: Who could that be at the door?

VOICE FROM OUTSIDE: Open up, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll BLO-O-O-O-OW your house down!

RANT: Ah, sounds like it's just Peering doing one of his crazy "Big Bad Wolf" imitations again. I'll get it!

Panel 5. We see Rant's back as he stands framed in the doorway. Looming over him are a couple of big, ugly, armored, furry, fanged TourBlocks! And of course there are more behind them . . .

RANT: Mad? Peering? Didn't I used to be taller than either one of you? Either you guys have had an unexpected final growth spurt when I wasn't looking, or . . .

TOURBLOCK: Come with Narrrrrgh quietly, little human, and you won't get hurt!

SECOND TOURBLOCK: CHUCKLE! That's a good one, Narrrrrgh! You almost sounded like you meant it!

SPAM: STAND BACK, SON!

Panel 6. Rant and Spam are huddling in the bushes as the Tour

RANT: That was really impressive, Dad! I mean, the way you hadn't touched a sword in nineteen years and then when a bunch of TourLocks showed up, you skewered half of them even if they had twice your height and reach! How did you do it?

SPAM: I told you I was a plot device, son! You had to survive this first brush with death or the series was going to look like a short story! But I got wounded in the process, just badly enough that you'll have to drag me back to town while those monsters are looting and burning our house! There's just one thing that comforts me in this tragic time . . .

RANT: That your one and only son is still alive and well to take care of you?

SPAM: No, that our Homeowner's Insurance is paid up through the end of the year! We'll collect a bundle after this is over!

RANT: Oh, right!

Panel 7. Rant is dragging his father's stretcher through the trees.

RANT: Poor dad has been overcome by the nasty infection he got from a Trolloc's dirty blade! It's making his rave deliriously!

SPAM: You're not my son, Rant! I found you on a battlefield in the middle of the snow! Took you home to the wife! It was all Lehman's fault! He chopped down the wrong tree to make the paper for the new edition of Lehman's Catalogue!

RANT: But - what if he's NOT delirious? What if it's really true?

SPAM: Yes, Senator, I agree! The government SHOULD stop paying farmers a subsidy in years when they DON'T grow food! If the market can't handle all the food they can grow, let them find some other line of work in which to be economically productive!

RANT: No sane farmer would say that! He IS delirious! Whew! Takes a big load off my mind! For a minute there I was afraid the fact that I had hair and eyes and stature greater than that of any other human being in the Two Rivers might be a hint that I wasn't related to Spam at all! Thank goodness we don't have DNA testing, or I might actually be forced to believe it!

WHY are TourBlocks called by that incredibly silly name? WHEN will Rant finally stop travelling back and forth between his farm and the village and venture into such wild escapades as travelling to the NEXT village north of hom? WHAT are the secrets of the three Strangers who have arrived in town, whom we never even saw onstage in this episode? HOW much money would it take to prevent Larry Homer from writing the next episode and forcing you all to read it? These and other burning questions questions of the day will probably not be resolved in Part 2, but there is always the faint hope!

The Eye Scream of the World, Part Two

Panel 1. Establishing shot of Rant, still tugging his daddy's stretcher, coming into view of the village. Half of the buildings appear to have burned down and there are ashes, dead TourBlocks, dead villagers, etc., scattered all over the area.

RANT: Good heavens! I've never seen such a scene of unparalleled devastation and horror! No one told me a Guns'N'Roses concert was scheduled to be held in the center of town last night!

Panel 2. Master all'Them'on, the Village Mayor, has appeared to explain things.

MAYOR: Worse than that, Rant. The TourBlocks raided the town! It was terrible! They were looking for you, Peering, and Mad (heaven knows why anyone, even a TourBlock, would want Mad, but there's no accounting for taste!). Morphine Sedate says it's because they think at least one of you three, or maybe the whole trio, are ta'verners! 

RANT: Ta'verners?

MAYOR: Yes, ta'verners! That's a walking, talking plot device in the shape of a man, one which makes the normal laws of probability sneak away into the shadows and take a long nap while things occur that you wouldn't otherwise see happen unless you had been guzzling wine in my ta'vern for the last fifteen hours nonstop!

Panel 3.

RANT: Sounds awful! Did the TourBlocks get Mad and Peering?

MAYOR: No, fortunately they tried to eat Nighteve al'Mare's homemade Winternight fruitcake, and you know what kind of cook old "Night'mare" is!

RANT (looking sick and clutching at his stomach): Well, better them than me.

MAYOR: While they were all howling and groaning and flailing about looking for syrup of ipecac, the Ice Sedate and her Guarder, Lean Meanfightingmachine, managed to rally us to battle and we wiped out a few dozen of the critters before their Moredrawl leader sounded the retreat!

RANT: Moredrawl?

MAYOR: Yes, I heard him myself, as he shouted, "You-all may have defeated us fer now, Ice Sedate, but we shall not falter! Ah do declare, we shall persecute you-all on the land, we shall persecute you-all on the sea, we shall persecute you-all in the Air! Come Shayol Ghul or high water . . . the Shadow shall rise again! In at least ten more volumes, to be precise!"

[NOTE: in case you didn't guess, to properly appreciate a Moredrawl's remarks, it is necessary to imagine them in a thick Dixie accent (southeastern portion of the USA) such as one might hear in the old TV show, the Dukes of Hazzard). Also, please note that the Moredrawl's assurance that the Shadow will continue to haunt our heroes in volumes to come is a classic example of foreshadowing. Your guide to quality literature!]
 

Page 5.

Panel 1. Morphine is coming out of Spam's sickroom, looking tired. Rand is greeting her.

MORPHINE: All right, Rant, I healed your daddy of his nasty wound, just because you asked me to!

RANT: That's great!

MORPHINE: And I even let you off the hook when you offered to promise to do anything I wanted in return for the service!

RANT: I appreciate that!

MORPHINE: But for crying out loud, farmboy, don't EVER let anyone at the Off-White Tower know I refused to squeeze every possible ounce of advantage out of a classic opportunity to manipulate someone! They'd take away my union card and disown me forever!

RANT: Scout's honor, Morphine Sedate! I won't say a word!
 

Panel 2. Lean is holding up a selection of garments taken from the bodies of the dead attackers.

LEAN: I must advise you, Morphine Sedate, that I've been examining the bodies of the dead TourBlocks.

MORPHINE: And?

LEAN: I found specimens of at least five different clans of their evil race! I have here "Trek'kee" T-shirts, "Ecchs-Files" T-shirts, "Tol'ki'en" T-Shirts, "Doon" T-Shirts, and "Stare Wars" T- Shirts. Do you realize what that means?

MORPHINE: Yes, it means they anticipate a major Tour coming to this area to celebrate the discovery of You-Know-Who, and they intend to Block it by burning this place to ashes so that all the dissatisfied fans who might have come to this village will have to attend Science Fiction conventions hosted in the Bloat instead! Where the weak-minded fools who think those other crazes are the greatest things since sliced bread will be at their most vulnerable to mental suggestion! Diabolical!

Panel 3. We are now in the stable of the all'Them'on inn. Rant is saddling Lugosi (the faithful steed of the all'Star family) as Egging appears onstage.

RANT: Egging? What are you doing here?

EGGING: I'm coming with you, Rant! Morphine Sedate says I might be able to learn to be just like her at the Off-White Tower!

RANT: Oh, that's swell.

EGGING: Yes! She says I too can learn to *sniff* at uppity males at every opportunity, to tie them up in knots in verbal debate without actually lying, to keep vital secrets from my best friends no matter how much danger their ignorance could create, and to . . . to . . . let's see now, what was the LAST requirement for becoming an Ice Sedate?

RANT: Channeling the Fun Power?

EGGING: I knew that! It was on the tip of my tongue!

Panel 4. Everybody (meaning Rant, Egging, Morphine, Lan, Peering, Mat, Tom-tom, and the mysterious, unnamed villager who only appeared on the cover of the first book) is now perched on a horse and riding out of town. Tom-tom the gleeclubman (whom we failed to show onstage previously, because he hadn't done anything important so far), has just joined up with their little expedition.

TOM-TOM: Yessiree, boys and girls, you sure are lucky to have old Tom-Tom along with you! As a veteran gleeclubman, my harping and singing can charm the birds from the trees! And what I don't know about women hasn't been figured out yet anyway! Why, back when I was younger and even more handsome than I am now, I had a beautiful young Queen eating out of my hand!

PEERING: Really? You understand women? But what happened to the Queen? Why didn't you stay with her?

TOM-TOM: Well, she got tired of eating Saltines out of my hand, said they were too bland. Give me some Doritos for a change, she said! No ma'am, I said! This pen in my hand is about to sign a death warrant with your name on it, she said! Please excuse my dust, I said! That was the end of THAT torrid affair . . .

MAT (in a whisper to Rant): You know, Rant, I have a nasty suspicion that even *I* know more about handling women than this old gleeclubman ever did. Not that I'll ever get a chance to practice on a real live QUEEN, of course . . .

[NOTE: Once again, Gentle Reader, we bring you a lovely example of irony, your guide to quality liter - no wait, I think this time it was foreshadowing! No, irony! Foreshadowing! Irony! Whatever! The point is, this particular piece of literature has accumulated so much Quality recently that it's positively frightening! And more to come!]

Page 6.

Panel 1. In the village of Trying Ferry, we see our heroes are stopped near the riverbank while Morphine looks up and sees a strange winged symbol (very much like the emblem Batman wears on his chest) against the light of the moon. In the background, Lean is dumping money into the hands of the owner of the local ferry.

MORPHINE: Hmm, a Draghkar just flew overhead and will soon be giving our current location to the Moredrawl that will be coming up the road behind us! We have to get across the river, but we also have to confuse our trail! After we get across, I'll create a screen of fog stretching for several miles down the river, and the Moredrawl will think we're sailing south under its protective shield, where the Dragcar can't see us!

RANT: Let me get this straight - you couldn't just use the Fun Power to blast the Dragkar out of the sky when you saw it a couple of hundred feet above us, silhouetted against the moon, but you CAN use the Fun Power to create a dense fog that will stretch for miles and miles beyond your current position?

MORPHINE: Precisely! What's your point?

RANT: Oh, nothing, I guess. Just trying to understand how the author's mind works on the subject of "maximum range of a channeler's power in an emergency."

MORPHINE: Try to make too much sense of the way I use the Fun Power in this book and you're liable to drive yourself stark raving MAD! As crazy as old Loose Tooth Tell'a'Man himself!

RANT: Gulp!

[NOTE: Yes, Gentle Reader,we have here a classic example of . . . well, whatever high mark of Quality this sort of dialogue serves to exemplify! Irony? Foreshadowing? It's one or the other! Your guess is as good as mine!]
 

Panel 2. The ferryboat is disappearing under the surface of the river, with numerous bubbles rising to mark its passing, as well as a steamer trunk (belonging to one Jonah) with baggage stickers on the side showing this trunk has also sailed on ships known as "Pequod," "Nautilus," and "Titanic."

EGGING: Morphine Sedate, I don't quite understand. If you were going to sink the ferry and there's not another boat available in the village on the south side of the river, why in blazes did it MATTER whether or not the Moredrawl thought we had gone east along the river, or were continuing north along the road? By the time he finds a way to get a bunch of clumsy Tourblocks (who can't swim) over the river, we'll have a huge head start any way you look at it!

MORPHINE: Shush, child. You have to shed that unladylike logical thinking you have sadly acquired if you're ever going to fit in at the Off-White Tower! I created the fog and sunk the ferry for the simple reason that so far, the Author hadn't let me do ANY really obvious and colorful magic in this narrative - except in descriptions of what I did offstage last night -, and he belatedly decided it was time to start spending some of the cash earmarked for our special effects budget before the magic-loving audience fell asleep!

EGGING: Ah, I see . . .

Panel 3.
PEERING: Well, here we are in Barrelof'fun! Man, the main street down the middle of this huge city is even bigger than the one back home in our village!

TOM-TOM: You think this is a city?! Lad, I forget - how big was the main street in your village?

Peering: Last year they went for broke! They widened it to one full lane, PLUS a sidewalk!

TOM-TOM: Oh, of course.
 

Panel 4.
BABBLES'ON: I have entered your dreams to tell you all sorts of nasty (and probably untrue) things that will shake your confidence in Morphine Sedate and in yourself! Ready?

RANT: Ready!

BABBLES'ON: I am Babbles'on, the evil genius who masterminded the War of Power! I was never truly bound in all this time! I always end up on top!

RANT: I don't believe you!

Babbles'on: All the Phony Dragons of the Ages have been carefully chosen and manipulated by the Ice Sedate for their own fell purposes!

RANT: That doesn't make any sense!

BABBLES'ON: Politicians are always sincere when they say they just want to help you commoners live better lives, and wouldn't dream of raising taxes merely to enrich themselves or their friends! Nor do they ever pass a legion of unnecessary laws just to confuse you and make it literally impossible to NOT be a criminal in some way!

RANT: That . . . that OUGHT to be true . . . I might accept that much of your teachings . . . NO! WHAT AM I SAYING?

BABBLES'ON: CURSES! I almost ensnared you that time!
 

Page 7.

Panel 1. Minx, the beautiful, dark-haired girl who works in the inn, is approaching Rant. In contrast to the other ladies we have seen in this narrative so far, who all wear feminine attire such as dresses, or skirts and blouses, Minx is wearing a tight sweater and even tighter blue jeans! The THEORY is that she dresses this way to just be like "one of the boys" and obviously NOT someone who cares about being alluring and feminine and getting men to chase after her, like SOME girls! That's what she swears whenever anyone asks, anyway . . . draw your own conclusions.

MINX: Hello, handsome! I have a talent for having visions of things that are going to come to pass in the future! For instance, I can see you and me, standing side by side at a religious ceremony, wearing our best clothes, and I'm looking radiant and you're looking very grim but resigned to what is occurring, and there are flowers all over the place, and all our friends and relatives are standing in the background . . .

RANT: Oh no! You're saying that we're going to attend a funeral together, of someone you disliked and I loved and will miss deeply? Who could it be? Mat? Peering? Or even (sob) my favorite horse, Lugosi?

MINX (under her breath): This sheepherder is as dumb as a turnip, isn't he? I don't know what I'm destined to see in him, but there's no getting out of it now!

Panel 2. Tom-Tom is trying to drag Rant away from Minx, who already has one arm draped around Rant's neck for some odd reason that Rant can't understand for the life of him.

TOM-TOM: Come along, young Rant! We don't have time for you to chat up every pretty girl in sight the way you always do! You're the most shameless flirt I ever met, you know that?

RANT (sputtering): But - but - but - 

MINX: We'll have plenty of time to, er, ‘chat', Rant! I'll come with you! If I'm lucky, maybe we'll get cut off from the rest of this group in some daring escape and be stuck all along for a while on a desert isle! No witnesses, no chaperones . . . .

RANT (immediately spotting the crucial flaw in her argument): How on earth are we going to find a desert isle anytime soon when there's a huge mountain range between us and the nearest ocean, and we're headed further INLAND anyway?

MINX: Okay, so I'll settle for being trapped with you in a cozy little cave after an avalanche! I'm willing to try anything once!
 

Panel 3. This is a large panel, nearly every established important character is now standing in it, filling up the common room of the Inn, it would appear. 

MORPHINE: Sorry, Minx! For no apparent reason, the Almighty Script (which I can't show Rant, of course) insists that now that we've established your existence to justify your appearing in every subsequent volume of this series, you don't actually get to DO anything exciting yet! you simply stay right here at this boring Inn for no apparent reason for the remainder of the first volume, while your dear Rant and all his friends rush back and forth across the map having wild adventures! Be sure to send her a postcard, Rant, it's the civil thing to do!

MINX: Couldn't we deviate from the Script just ONCE and simply have me do the LOGICAL thing?

MORPHINE: Absolutely not! If we set a bad precedent now, then the fans will expect us to continue to behave ‘logically' for the rest of the 11 Books and that would throw the Script out the window and ruin a LOT of surprises! How many times must I say that channeling the Fun Power and behaving intelligently are mutually exclusive?

MAT (counting on his fingers): Well, considering that you never said it BEFORE, I'm not sure the word ‘many' really applies to your having finally said it just now -

LEAN: Shut up, you young whippersnapper! Good arithmetic is perilously close to logical thinking, and as Morphine just said, she ain't having any of that! 

TOM-TOM: Excuse me, but does anyone know why we are so urgently congregating in this overcrowded panel? Was there some sort of emergency?

PEERING: This meeting was all Morphine's idea, anyway . . . I don't think there's any reason to get upset. I'm the calm, quiet, type and I figure if we just all keep our heads and talk reasonably, we can figure out what to do next, as a team!

NIGHT'MARE (poking in her head through the door at the far right): HELLO, everyone! I finally caught up with you! And as a special treat, I brought along fifty pounds of my homemade Winternight Fruitcake for you to devour!
 

Panel 4. Lean Meanfightingmachine is grabbing Perrin by the collar and effortlessly holding him in place as the apprentice blacksmith's legs form a blur of motion as he attempts to escape Night'mare's fruitcakes.

PEERING: ARRRRGH! LET ME OUT OF HERE! Tom-tom, hold her off! I'm too young to die! Stand clear, Mad, you're blocking the window and I'm in a HURRY!

LEAN: Hold on there, blacksmith! There are worse things to worry about than Night'mare's sudden appearance here! Like the Moredrawl I chased off a few minutes ago when it was threatening Rant!

PEERING: That's entirely a matter of opinion! Have you ever tasted her fruitcake?

LEAN: As a matter of fact, son, I'm rather PARTIAL to fruitcake! May I have a generous portion of that concoction, Mistress al'Mare?

Panel 5. Closeup of Lean's face as Night'mare holds out a slice of fruitcake to him.

Panel 5. Closeup as he chews vigorously.

SOUND EFFECTS (from the conflict of his teeth with the fruitcake inside his now-closed mouth): KLUNK CRASH GRIND CHOMP SMASH BANG THUNK SLAM

Panel 6. Closeup of Lean's face as he speaks.

LEAN: Now, that's what I call a real MAN'S fruitcake! None of this namby-pamby stuff that you can cut with a dull knife! Mistress al'Mare, you ought to open up a bakery in the Borderlands where we have hard, tough men who appreciate hard, tough food! You're wasted on these southerners!

NIGHT'MARE: That's what I've always told them!
 

WHERE will our heroes go from here? WHEN will Rand finally stand up for himself instead of being bossed around by women? WHY is logical thinking anathema to any Ice Sedate? HOW long will it be before the next installment? The answers to these questions of global importance will be long in the coming, but surely are worth the wait until the author of this parody is next overcome by the spastic fits which are vital to the production of these riveting episodes!

The Eye Scream of the World, Part 3

 INTRO: For those of you who missed the first and second installments (for shame!) this is my ongoing effort to do a parody of the first volume in the Wheel of Time, in the style favored by Mad Magazine when it pokes fun at various notable films, TV shows, etc. Unfortunately there's not much chance this well ever be sold to Mad, because their typical feature is maybe 6 or 7 pages long at worst, and I felt the bulk of TEOTW required a somewhat longer treatment. If I had any training in graphic design, I might draw cartoons to match the script and publish the silly thing myself, but that isn't feasible. Which probably explains why I often don't bother to describe the visual appearance of each panel the way I should if this were really going to be drawn by an artist to my specifications. So just concentrate really hard and try to imagine the humorous, exaggerated appearance of all the major characters! If you've ever seen a Mad Magazine parody of one of your favorite movies (such as the various episodes of Star Wars), you'll probably find this easier to visualize. If not, I hope the text alone is enough to make you chuckle, giggle, or whatever it is you normally do when expressing vast amusement (assuming it's legal).

Page 8.
Panel 1.
LEAN: Okay, children, it's time for us to quietly, inconspicuously sneak out of the Inn in the middle of the night while everyone else is still asleep!

RANT: To avoid the attention of any Dorkfriends who might be lurking in this city?

LEAN: Actually, it's to avoid the attention of the Innkeeper so we don't have to pay our bill! Just one of the little tricks you learn when you spend your life constantly on the move! Pay close attention, kids, you're getting a real education from this trip!

Panel 2.
We are now in the stables. The innkeeper has caught them saddling up their horses.
 

INNKEEPER: Hello, Morphine Sedate! You wouldn't be trying to sneak out without paying, would you?

MORPHINE: The wheel weaves as the wheel wills, and there are some things man is not meant to know. Pay the man, Lean, but Innkeeper, be thou warned that Dorkfriends may come looking for us and for your own good you should be polite to them!

INNKEEPER: Hah! Think you can fool me that easily? I'm not going to let you trick me into helping Dorkfriends! I'll toss them out on their ears so hard they bounce!

MORPHINE: At least I tried to warn him!
 

Panel 3.

EGGING: That was really neat, Morphine Sedate, the way you made yourself look about twenty feet tall to scare those guys who tried to stop us at the gate! Will you do that again to scare the TourBlocks?

MORPHINE: Actually, child, I will NEVER use it again! The author figures it would just get boring if it happened in too many battles!

RANT: But it's such an effective tool! 

LEAN: Sheepherder, what did we tell you people about not expecting Ice Sedates to be logical? Don't make me warn you again!

FOOTNOTE: Due to lack of space, we have cut the "Giant Morphine" scene. 
 
 

Panel 4.

PEERING: Gee, something back in the middle of town just went up in flames! Near as I can tell, it's in the area of the inn we just left, give or take a block!

EGGING: Must be sheer coincidence! It probably doesn't have anything to with us!

TOM-TOM: Tell me, girl, are you a charter member of the Diehard Optimists club back home?

EGGING: Why, yes! How did you know?

TOM-TOM: Lucky guess.

Panel 5.
LEAN: Well, Morphine, I scouted around, and I didn't actually come face-to-face with any TourBlocks yet, but I have a nasty feeling they're hot on our trail!

MORPHINE: What makes you so sure?

TOURBLOCK CHORUS (singing from offstage): Over hill, over dale, we have hit the dusty trail, as those TourBlocks go marching along! 

LEAN: Call it a hunch.

Page 9.
Panel 1.
MORPHINE: Lean and I have devised a clever plan! First I'll use the Fun Power to set a false trail leading off in one direction, and hope the TourBlocks fall for it!

RANT: Stupid TourBlocks!

MORPHINE: Then we'll head off in another direction entirely and try to increase our head start over our pursuers before their Moredrawls figure out why they haven't caught up with us yet!

PEERING: Stupid Moredrawls!

MORPHINE: Then we'll duck straight into the accursed city of Shutup Lookout, where no Moredrawl or TourBlock would ever DREAM of setting foot!

MAD (muttering under his breath, in small type): Why do I get the terrible feeling those "stupid" TourBlocks and Moredrawls know something we don't?

Panel 2.
The party is just outside the walled city of Shutup Lookout. Along one wall, the following sign has been posted in huge letters.

SIGN: Attention Weary Travelers! This apparently abandoned city is just that! Abandoned! It is NOT the home of an evil bloodsucking insane spiritual force with insomnia! Feel free to come in and rest all you like, and nothing will bother you! Honest! We can also make you a good deal on a bridge in Brooklyn!

MORPHINE: This doesn't look so bad, Lean! Almost welcoming!

LEAN: I don't know, Morphine. Maybe we should just go right on through and set up camp on the other side of the city? Maybe the TourBlocks, when they get this far, will drag their feet and not want to go any further?

MORPHINE: Nonsense, Lean! 

Panel 3.
Rant, Mad, and Peering are in a huddle in a dark corner of the building. Over behind them, Moredeath has just appeared. 

RANT: Guys, I just had an idea! The three of us should sneak off into this dark, gloomy, foreboding city and hunt for treasure!

PEERING: Brilliant! And we won't tell Morphine Sedate where we're going because she'd just tell us not to!

MAD: Amazing! You guys are finally starting to think like me! I knew I'd convert you eventually!

MOREDEATH: Ah, you lads sound like my kind of people!

Panel 4.

RANT: Who are you?

MOREDEATH: My name is Moredeath and I'm a treasure hunter! I need help carrying it all out of the dungeon where I found a few tons of the stuff!

PEERING: Hey, with a name like Moredeath, how could we not trust him on sight?

MAT: Good point, Peering! Let's not even embarrass him by asking why, if the treasure is so easy to find, nobody else has come in and carted it off at any point in the 2300 years since this city became abandoned!

Panel 5.
Our heroes (assuming you can apply that word to Rand, Mat, and Peering while keeping your face straight) are studying a huge room full of piles of gold coins and assorted jewelry.

MOREDEATH: Take whatever you want, boys! 

RANT: Why don't you have a shadow, sir?

MOREDEATH: Darn! You HAD to ask the wrong question! Now I'll just have to kill you! 

MAD: Hey, it's no big deal! We're not bigoted about a little thing like a shadow! Don't let it ruin what could still be a great friendship!

MOREDEATH: Sorry, you had your chance and you blew it! 

Panel 6.

RANT: Well, we outran him! I think we're going to survive this one!

PEERING: Does it occur to you guys that so far the most effective strategy we've found for dealing with the bad guys is to run away at top speed?

MAD: Hey, whatever works!

PEERING: But we're supposed to be the HEROES of this story, aren't we? What kind of epic will this be if we just run away from everything?

RANT: Don't worry, Peering! As soon as I'm a bit tougher and more powerful, I promise to behave as clueless and fearless as possible to prove I've got the right stuff!

PEERING: Er . . . thanks for clearing that up. Takes a BIG load off my mind.

Page 10.
Panel 1.
NIGHT'MARE: How dare you go off exploring without begging my permission first? Do you have any idea how stupid that was? Did you find any treasure?Why didn't you invite me along?

RANT: Did anybody write all that down? I lost track of the questions and don't want to answer them in the wrong order!

LEAN: We've got bigger things to worry about! A hundred TourBlocks and four Moredrawls are coming across the city looking for us! 
 

Panel 2.
The party is getting strung out along a wide avenue. Lean and Morphine are leading the way, with the others lagging far behind.

LEAN: Er, Morphine, don't you think we should take care to stay closer to the rest of the main party?

MORPHINE: What for? What could go wrong with them a mere hundred feet behind us? I dare you to name two things!

LEAN: Well, the TourBlocks and Moredrawl could come up from behind and grab the ta'verners before we knew they were there, or -

MOREDRAWL (offstage): There they-all are! ‘Most close enough for you-all TourBlocks to grab ‘em from behind afore the Ice Sedate and her buddy sees us comin'!
 

Panel 3.

A arm of ugly fog suddenly extends across the street cutting off Lean and Morphine from the others behind them. Lan seems to be yelling in shock.

LEAN: Or the evil bloodsucking insomniac fog could separate us from them!

MORPHINE: All right, that's two things, but I'll bet you can't think of a THIRD one!

LEAN: Listen up, you sheepherder types! It's time for me to reveal one of the arcane bits of military lore that's only taught to Warders at the Off-White Tower! When nothing else works, panic, spur your horse, and ride like CRAZY until you find a way out of a trap! Or get killed! Whichever comes first!

RANT: That's . . . brilliant! I never would have thought of it!

PEERING: We sure are lucky to have an old war veteran like Lean around to share his wisdom with us! 

MAD: Maybe tomorrow he'll teach us another strategy, like "Try to outnumber the enemy before you start a war with him!"

MORPHINE: If I don't know better, I'd think these uncultured sheepherders were already mastering the fine art of sarcasm!

Panel 4.
Rant, Mad, and Tom-Tom have now left their horses and are running like mad toward a boat tied up at the side of the river.

RANT: Well, in true heroic fashion we managed to get the TourBlocks to follow US instead of the ladies!

MAD: Yeah, what a lucky break . . . but remember, next time it's THEIR turn to be the decoys for US! 

TOM-TOM: AHOY THE BOAT! Stand by for passengers! There are TourBlocks right behind us!

Panel 5.

BOYL: How were you planning to pay for your tickets? This ship ain't a charity, you know! That Sword of Unbreakable Material might do the trick!

TOM-TOM: Counteroffer! I'll tell stories to amuse your crew for the entire trip!

BOYL: Okay, forget the sword. But I still want all the money the three of you have in your pockets!

TOM-TOM: I'll sing and play the harp too!

BOYL: You merciless negotiator! Rather than that, I'll settle for a silver piece from each of you!

TOM-TOM: I warn you, I'll also let my untrained apprentices play the flute and sing off-key!

BOYL: You wouldn't dare! But I'll come down to fifty cents a head!

TOM-TOM: Done deal!
 

Page 11.

Panel 1.
Peering and Egging have ended up in the middle of nowhere. We can tell because there is a convenient signpost saying, "MIDDLE OF NOWHERE: As Identified By Official Survey."

PEERING: Well, Egging, we made it across the river! You were riding Lugosi through the water so fast I could barely keep up with you with my strong swimming! But I think everyone else lost track of us in the confusion!

EGGING: Darn! That was YOU swimming after me? I wanted it to be Rant! Something that Minx girl in Barrelof'fun said gave me the idea to try to get the two of us separated from the rest of the party for awhile!

PEERING: I'm sorry. But look on the bright side! Maybe you'll meet some rich, handsome, sincere Prince Charming type who outshines Rant six ways from Sunday and marry him instead!

EGGING: Hmm. That's not a bad idea, Peering!

FOOTNOTE: Ah ha! You thought we were going to let a few pages go by without another sample of foreshadowing (Your Guide to Quality Literature), didn't you? Guess again! 

Panel 2.

ALLYES: Hello, Peering! I talk to wolves! They say you can learn to do it too! You and I are the first of our kind in thousands of years, and the fact that we're coming back into fashion suggests the Dragon Retorn will be showing up soon for his epic battle with the Dork One! 

EGGING: What else do the wolves say?

ALLYES: They say it's a good thing you and the girl got soaked in the river the other night, because you desperately needed a bath! Too bad you didn't have any soap along!

EGGING: I know wolves have a great sense of smell, but at least humans still take the prize for tact!

Panel 3.
MORPHINE: Hello, Night'Mare! I have good news for you! You too can learn to be an Ice Sedate!

NIGHT'MARE: You mean to bully and manipulate people, and withhold vital information, and 
act like a total doofus, and utterly refuse to ever admit I was wrong about anything whatsover? Totally unthinkable for a nice girl like me!

MORPHINE: You could also have the attention, day and night, of a big rugged hunk of Bodyguarder like Lean who was sworn to do anything you wanted!

NIGHT'MARE: Well . . . I'll THINK about it, but I'm not promising anything!

Panel 4.
Tom-Tom, Rant, and Mad are on the boat approaching Brightbridge.

MAD: I think I can make it out! The classic mark of the greatest achievement of the ancient civilization that ruled this land thousands of years ago! Two golden arches soaring up above the skyline like a great . . . big . . . M!

RANT: One of these days our author's subtle plugs for certain 20th Century commercial products is going to go too far!

Panel 5.
TOM-TOM: A Moredrawl has caught us! Run, you fools, while I hold it off with my daggers!

RANT: Gee, Tom, those daggers are causing fireworks when they clash with his evil sword! I thought only weapons wrought with the Fun Power did that! Are those your best daggers?

TOM-TOM: No, these Fun-Power-wrought blades are my second-best daggers! I lost my BEST ones back at Shutup Lookout! They were miniature heatseeking missiles with a ten thousand year warranty!

MOREDRAWL: Ah ask you, suh, is this a duel to the death oah a shouting match?

The Eye Scream of the World, Part Four

 If you missed the first three installments (or just want to refresh your memory), they are available at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/1815/wot/Scream.html. If you can't be bothered to go read them right now, just bear in mind that this is meant to be a Mad Magazine-style parody of the first WoT book, and you'll catch on quick. The plot will seem at least vaguely familiar :)

INTRODUCTORY COMMENTS: It has been necessary to rearrange and compress the chronological sequence of certain events. After all, if Jordan could mess up his chronological ideas in the original material, why shouldn't I be allowed the same luxury? (For those of you who missed it, in TGH the word ‘week' is used more than once in contexts that strongly indicate a WoT week is the same as ours, the standard seven days. In LoC Glossary, it was firmly stated that a WoT week is 10 days, which really, really messes up any effort to understand the amount of elapsed time in TGH if you try to go back and assume that a reference to thirteen weeks at Tar Valon actually meant 130 days instead of 91.)
 

Page 12.

Panel 1. 

RANT: Well, Mad, we must have run two miles before we stopped! How long do you think it will take that Moredrawl to catch up with us if Tom-Tom didn't kill it? Five minutes? Ten minutes? After all, they have greater stamina than normal men and can slide through shadows to go faster!

MAD: Actually, Rant, my copy of the script says we aren't scheduled to meet another Moredrawl for many pages to come! By the way, we are required to assume that Tom-Tom died so his reappearance in the next volume will come as a major shock!

RANT: Why doesn't anybody ever show ME a copy of the script?

MAD: Confidentially, I think they're afraid you'd chicken out if you knew what you were in for!

RANT: Thanks for sharing that with me.
 

Panel 2.

FARMER: You want me to let you have supper tonight, breakfast tomorrow, and a place to sleep? What do you offer in return?

RANT: If you don't treat us properly, we'll keep you up all night while I play the flute and my buddy sings a serenade!

MAD (crooning): Ten thousand bottles of beer on the wall / Ten thousand bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / Nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall! 

RANT: Not that he ever took singing lessons, but practice makes perfect as we say in the Two- and-a-half Rivers!

FARMER: Come on in! Glad to have you for dinner!

MAD: Boy, Rant, we sure learned a lot from that old gleeclubman!

Panel 3.

ELSE: Ooh, Rant, that was so masterful, the way you bullied my father into letting you join us for dinner! I'll bet you could even bully him into letting me elope with you!

RANT: Yeah, I'll bet he would. One less mouth to feed. Thanks but no thanks.

MAD: Rant, you're hopeless! Always chasing anything young and pretty in skirts! You're liable to be a corrupting influence on me if this continues!

RANT: That's like saying I might get so arrogant I gave Morphine the creeps!

FOOTNOTE: Of course, that could never happen. He was just being ironic. As you will recall, Irony (along with Foreshadowing) is one of your surefire Guides to Quality Literature!

Panel 4.

RANT: Mad, I had another terrible dream last night! Eyes of flame and a strange ranting voice and ravings about something called the Eye Scream of the World (what a silly name!) . . . do you realize what this means?

MAD: Yep! We NEVER should have let them talk us into having second helpings of the pepperoni/sausage pizza with extra anchovies! Especially with no Alka-Seltzer in the house! No wonder our dreams were troubled!

Panel 5.
RANT: By the way, Mad, why are you carrying that jeweled dagger that looks like the one you were fiddling with in Shutup Lookout? You didn't steal it from poor old Moredeath, did you?

MAD: Steal? What do you mean, steal? My precious, here, was my birthday present! Should we stick with Rant or strike out on our own, my precious? Hmm?

RANT: Mad! Mad! Get a grip on yourself, man!

MAD: I . . . I . . . I don't know what came over me just then!

RANT: Well, watch out! Talk that way again and the "Jordan Must Have Plagiarized Tolkien" Society will tear us apart in court!

Page 13.

Panel 1. 

WAGONMASTER: Hello, we are the Travelling Folk! We are always on the move, we never set foot in big cities, we suffer discrimination from everyone else, and we eat nothing but plant life!

EGGING: Why, exactly, do you feel it necessary to keep your distance from other people?

WAGONMASTER: I'll give you one hint! Across the length and breadth of the land, our nickname is The Stinkers!

PEERING: I noticed. Have you ever considered bathing daily? Or every other day? Weekly, even?

WAGONMASTER: That would require settling down in one spot next to a reliable source of clean water! 
 

Panel 2.
WAGONMASTER: By the way, I feel compelled to tell you that friends of ours found a dying warrior woman of the Ale people who gasped out that the Dork One means to melt the Eye Scream of the World! 

PEERING: Er, that's nice (whatever it may mean), but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with me -

WAGONMASTER: Now, I know you people will be in a hurry to rush off to keep an appointment with your friends, so we'll just pack you a lunch and -

EGGING: But we're not ready to leave yet!

WAGONMASTER: Don't be difficult! We only appeared onstage in this "Stinkers" cameo to tell you that rumor about the Eye Scream of the World! Now we have an urgent engagement over in Anne McCaffrey's RENEGADES OF PERN as the traveling caravan of iconoclastic wanderers, and then we have an engagement in one of Terry Brooks's novels as "Rovers," and then . . .

ELYES: That's downsizing in the 1990s, kids! SF/Fantasy authors in general have had to cut way back on the budget for the "minor stock characters" department! People like my friends here have to appear in books by several different authors in rotation in order to make enough money to keep body and soul together!

Panel 3.
ELYES: Trouble! A horde of ravens is hunting us! If all else fails, I suggest you kill Egging to put her out her misery!

PEERING: You're just a bundle of cheer today, aren't you? Do you realize how easy it would be for the Dork One to win if all he has to do is send a bunch of ravens after his worst enemies and we promptly start killing EACH OTHER?

ELYES: Shhh! You realize it, and I realize it, but the Dork One DOESN'T realize it! They don't call him the Dork One for nothing, so don't give him any bright ideas! I suspect he'll NEVER do this "massive raven attack" thing again in any later book if we don't tell him how badly it scares us!

Panel 4.
ALLYES: Well, we made it into the abandoned Ochre Steadying! Creatures of the Dork One NEVER come in here!

EGGING: You mean, the same way they NEVER enter the city of Shutup Lookout?

ALLYES: Shut up, kid, you bother me. I guess it's time for me to give you a history lesson about the High King, Arthur "NOT the guy from FIRST KNIGHT or EXCALIBUR" Gawking!

PEERING: Why, is it mandatory that you sign our report cards to prove that we attended the Boring Ancient History We'll Never Need To Know Seminary before they let us graduate to the next book? Why don't you just sign those cards now and get it over with, and then we can all get some sleep! I swear we'll never tell on you!

Panel 5.
Please note that it's now some days later, but these sudden transitions are obligatory in Mad Magazine parodies where you only have a few pages to move things along.

EGGING: Peering, I think these Brightcloak fanatics are fighting Elyes! 

PEERING: That's tough, but we'll just to stay here and hope they don't notice us!

EGGING: But they might kill him!

PEERING: He knew the risks.

EGGING: I Think they just killed your favorite wolf buddy! All it did was rip out one man's throat first!

PEERING: WHY, THOSE COLD-BLOODED MURDERERS! HOW DARE THEY ABUSE A POOR WOLF THAT ONLY THE VICTIM OF ITS OWN FOOD-GATHERING INSTINCTS? I'LL KILL ‘EM!

Panel 6.

PYRE: Okay, boss, I've got a casualty report! We lost nine guys, so square that and multiply by ten . . . I estimate we killed at least 810 of the enemy, mostly wolves but a few human Dorkfriends as well! Too bad the survivors dragged off all the bodies!

JETTISON BORNBALD: Pyre, remind me. Where did you first study the fine art of Casualty Estimates?

PYRE: In the ‘police action' in the obscure region known as Niet'vam, sir! We calculated the enemy lost a hundred times as many soldiers in each battle as we did!

BORNBALD: Right up until the point where we finally had to quit and pull out our few surviving troops?

PYRE: A freak occurrence! Our morale was low, that's all! One more big push and we would have wiped out the enemy ENTIRELY!

Page 14.

Panel 1.

EGGING: Actually, we're from the land of the Two-and-a-Half Rivers! TourBlocks and Moredrawls have been chasing us all over the map! An Ice Sedate was with us for awhile, but we got separated from her at the city of Shutup Lookout! And those wolves that killed some of your men aren't so bad, they're just misunderstood! So you see, it's all VERY simple, really!

BORNBALD: I must say, child, that I would HATE to hear what you would call complicated! I don't believe a word of it, and I'm going to hang your friend for murder as soon as we get back to headquarters!

PEERING: Stuffy, messed-up legal system! So what if I chopped a few people in half, what kind of crime is that compared to violating Animal Rights?

Panel 2.
CAPTION: Ten days later (and aren't you glad we skipped all the days where nothing happened?), Morphine, Lean, and Night'mare have finally managed to catch up with the captors of Peering and Egging and must ponder ways and means of rescuing them!

MORPHINE: We've finally managed to catch up with the captors of Peering and Egging and must ponder ways and means of rescuing them!

NIGHT'MARE: We already knew that! Why are you repeating it?

MORPHINE: To be on the safe side! Some readers NEVER examine captions, you know! You have to put the text right in the middle of the pretty pictures underneath in order to get their attention!

Panel 3.
NIGHT'MARE: Well, I think Lean should just saunter down into the camp singlehanded, cut our friends loose, and carry them back out without being noticed!

MORPHINE: Just like that? Are you out of your MIND?

LEAN: Actually, Morphine, I think that's a fine idea! Not that I'm trying to impress a certain pretty girl with daredevil heroics, you understand! No, I have always known that I am already married to death and there's no room in my life for someone else! I have - 

MORPHINE: That's nice, Lean, but - 

LEAN: - Always felt that a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and after all, I can hardly ask a WOMAN to go down into the middle of an enemy encampment when I'm the one who's supposed to be the self-sacrificing BodyGuarder! In fact -

MORPHINE: You made your point, Lean.

LEAN: I might even do it with one hand tied behind my back and blindfolded, just to show that I CAN! That's the kind of reckless, fearless, totally-uninterested-in-flirting-with-the-girls guy that I am! If you -

MORPHINE (in very large type): LEAN! 

LEAN (in a very small voice): Yes?

MORPHINE: Shut up.

Panel 4.
MORPHINE: Actually, Night'mare, your idea may be good, but I have a refinement to propose. It will give you a chance to show how brave, dedicated and sneaky you are (not that you care what Lean or I think of you, of course)!

NIGHT'MARE: Of course not! (Are you listening carefully, Lean?)

MORPHINE: I propose you sneak down to where they have the horses picketed and cut the lines! Be sure to steal a few horses for us, and don't let the sentries see you!

NIGHT'MARE: You wouldn't be trying to get rid of me by sending me on a suicide mission, would you?

MORPHINE: How can you think such a thing?

NIGHT'MARE: Just a wild thought.
 

Panel 5. 
CAPTION: It is now right after the raid to rescue the prisoners (the raid itself wasn't particularly funny, except for the part where Pyre estimated the Brightcloaks had killed twelve Ice Sedates and eighty-three BodyGuarders in the ferocious bloodbath, all of the bodies having been conveniently devoured by vampiric wolves before he could gather them into a pile to prove his point to his commander).

NIGHTEVE: Peering, why have your eyes turned yellow? 

PEERING: Er . . . ah . . . I've been eating nothing but cornbread and honey for the past month, and all the yellow food coloring stuff ended up migrating to my eyeballs!

NIGHTEVE: Hmm . . . either the foodstuffs in this neck of the woods are full of artificial dyes and flavorings, or you've become a much better liar than you were back home Which could it be?
 

Page 15.
Panel 1.
RANT: Well, Mad, we made it to the thriving town of Five Kings! I wonder why they call it that?

MAD: My best guess would be that the first settlers of the area were playing poker, and someone had an extra King up his sleeve, and won everybody else's homesteads before they caught on! So he owned the whole town and got to name it after his winning method!

RANT: I don't know why I ever bother to ask for your opinion, anyway.

MAD: Without ME around, where could you possibly find a traveling companion who would make YOU look smart by comparison?

RANT: Good point!

Panel 2.
RANT: Hello, I play the flute and my friend juggles! We want to make a deal with you, innkeeper!

INNKEEPER: We don't just hire ANYONE in here! You have to meet our standards!

RANT: We'll perform for food, lodging, and no cash necessary!

INNKEEPER: No cash? You must be psychic! Those were exactly the standards you needed to meet!

Panel 3.
In background, on the left, we have Rant resting from playing the flute while Mad juggles. In the foreground, we have several customers seated at tables. Most of them are scruffy-looking, roughly dressed, tough-faced blue collar laboring types, while one at a table by himself, front and center from our point of view, is quite different. Dressed in a tuxedo, cleanly shaven except for a clipped moustache that gives him a British appearance, silken top hat, a glass held idly in one hand, the other hand resting on a piece of luggage that has a bunch of stickers on it. The stickers say such things as, VISIT SCENIC MORDOR, CTHOL MISHRAK OR BUST, and RAKOTH MAUGRIM SHALL RISE AGAIN! Other than these trifling points, however, there is little to make him stand out from the herd.

MAD: Rant, there's a suspicious looking fellow who just came in. He doesn't quite seem to fit in with the rest of this place's clientele, and he keeps staring at us.

RANT: Hmm? Which one is he?

MAD: You can't miss him! He's the only one who isn't trying to get drunk as fast as possible! He keeps sipping from a glass of . . . LEMONADE!

RANT: NOW I see him! You're right, that IS peculiar! Do you think he might be spying on us?

Panel 4.
The innkeeper is showing Mad and Rant to the storeroom where he's going to let them sleep tonight.

INNKEEPER: Here you are, gentlemen! All the comforts of home! I reserve this room for people I particularly like!

MAD: Gee, how quaint! Steel bars across the window . . . no way to lock the door from the INSIDE . . . no candles or lanterns . . . the roof leaks . . . a bunch of junk tossed in the corners . . . actually, it reminds me of a prison cell!

INNKEEPER: That's what I said! All the comforts of home! 

RANT (in a mutter): For crying out loud, Mad, don't ask him where he spent his childhood!

Panel 5.
Someone is tapping on the door from the outside.

SOMEONE: Knock knock!

RANT: Who's there?

SOMEONE: Abyssinia!

RANT: Abyssinia who?

SOMEONE: Abyssinia come out of that room the easy way or the hard way!

MAD: I know we managed to jam the door, Rant, but we haven't made any headway on the barred window! Do you think we ought to go along quietly with this guy? After all, he DOES have a sense of humor!

RANT: Mad, there are a few basic values that a man has to live by, and one of them is, never trust anyone who thinks "knock knock" jokes are funny! Especially if he thinks "Abyssinia" sounds like "I'll be seeing ya!"

MAD: It was nice of you to gratuitously explain that awful pun to our readers, Rant! Most of them probably didn't have a clue!

Panel 6.

RANT: Man, if only we COULD find a way to get out of this room!

SFX: KABOOM!

MAD: Gee, you wished we could get out . . . and lightning blasted open the window! It was like magic! What could that mean?

RANT: Sheer coincidence, of course! That ta'verner luck we keep hearing about! Where better for it to manifest itself than inside a ta'vern? 

MAD: As I said before, you are sure are lucky to have a traveling companion dumb enough to fall for that one!

WILL Rand and Mad be able to outrun their problems as they always have before? WHEN will they finally be rejoined by Morphine and the others, who have the conspicuous advantage of riding horses and yet keep lagging behind? WHY does the Dork One intend to melt the legendary Eye Scream of the World? HOW long will it be before Larry publishes his next parody, considering that he doesn't even get paid for his strenuous labors in this direction? These and other questions are easily addressed with those classic words of wisdom, "Your guess is as good as mine!"

The Eye Scream of the World, Part Five

"The Eye Scream of the World" is actually a script for a parody of TEOTW, written more or less in the classic style of Mad Magazine parodies. The first three installments are conveniently compiled on one webpage, at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/1815/wot/Scream.html, and I believe Part 4 is still visible on every Bulletin Board where I habitually post these things. Please let me know if you actually liked this one :)
 

Page 16.
Panel 1. 
MAD: I say, Rant, the last time we got temporary employment in the common room of an inn along the one and only big highway that can lead us to Caemlyn, a rich, powerful Dorkfriend managed to spot us as soon as he stepped in the door!

RANT: That's right, Mad! So only an idiot would keep trying to do our vaudeville act in other inns during the rest of the trip once he knew the enemy would SPECIFICALLY be on the lookout for it!

MAD: Right! Now, we're approaching another town, so are you ready to prove whether or not we're total idiots?

RANT: Ready anytime you are!

MAD: Let's go!

Panel 2.
MAD: Yo! Innkeeper! My buddy and I have a little vaudeville act we like to perform, and we'll do it for nothing but food, drink, and a place to sleep!

RANT (looking straight out at the reader and shrugging with a helpless grin as he speaks): Hey, you know and I know that Mad and I are doomed to act like idiots all through this series, so why waste time denying the obvious?

Panel 3.
They are in the stable now. Rand is resting on a haystack, looking quite ill.

MAD: Terrific. As soon as we started to perform, Rand started shaking like a leaf . At least we got a place to sleep in the stable. Good thing no Dorkfriends had time to spot us during the ten seconds we were in the common room! For once, we can sleep soundly under a dry roof without fear of -

SKILLI MAINE: Excuse me, did you say your friend was sick?

MAD: Then again . . .

Panel 4.
Mad now his own magic dagger pressed against Skilli's throat, while her dagger is embedded in the wall, smouldering a bit. We left out the action sequence where she attacked him, etc.

MAD: A Dorkfriend, eh? I should have known that the author wouldn't miss a chance, however slim, to let you bozos find us again!

SKILLI: You misunderstand! I was just going to bleed your friend! It's an old folk remedy for reducing a fever - you drain off some excess blood!

MAD: Then why is the knife burning a hole in the wall?

SKILLI: That's leading edge medical technology you're looking at there! Sterilizes the wound as fast as it makes it! Keeps your friend from getting an infection!

Panel 5.
Rant and Mad now have her tied up to keep her out of trouble while they plot their next move.

RANT: Mad, I think we should let her live.

MAD: Why, so she can come back with another burning dagger and try again? 

RANT: But if we kill her in the stable, it'll make an awful mess and we'll be tossed in a dungeon for murder of a helpless woman!

MAD: Good point! So first let's take the time to carry her out of the stable to some remote spot where the body won't be found for at least a week or two, and -

SKILLI: You'll be sorry when the Moredrawl comes looking for me!

MAD: Rant, you bleeding-heart liberal, you talked me into it! Let's just leave her be and take off at a dead run! It's a winning strategy that always worked for us before!

Panel 6.

RANT: Tell me, Mad. If a Moredrawl is headed this way, and if it has a horse (as they usually do), which we definitely DON'T, and if they don't get tired easily (whereas I feel like death warmed over), and if it's smart enough to know that we'll keep following the highway east (where else would we go?), how long do you think it will take the Moredrawl to catch up with us?

MAD: I keep telling you, Rant, the Script says we aren't going to get caught by a Moredrawl anytime soon! Trust me on this!

RANT: But I don't get to SEE the script that tells everybody else what secrets to keep from me, right?

MAD: Right!

RANT: What is this nonsense? Do I have a "kick me" sign stuck on my back or something, that nobody ever gives me a straight answer about anything important?

MAD: Don't be paranoid! This is all for your own good, really!

Despite Mad's hasty denials, this seems like a good time to mention that Rant has, stuck on his back, a sign saying KICK ME, as we can see in this panel :)
 

Page 17.

Panel 1.
RANT: Well, Mad, we finally made it to Come'on'in! One of the greatest cities in the world! Originally built by Ochre masons, it has stood the test of time for thousands of years, and has been the capital of the modern nation of Opendoor (a matriarchy, you know) for a solid millennium and still going strong!

MAD: Rant, I read "Fodor's Guide to Opendoor" as many times as you did, so you can stop quoting.

RANT: Oh, sorry!

Panel 2.
RANT: Hello, innkeeper! We're friends of a friend of yours, old Tom-Tom the Gleeclubman!

INNKEEPER: Can you prove that?

MAD: Well, we have his cloak, his harp, his flute - he shoved them at us for safekeeping before he got in a fight.

INNKEEPER: You could have taken them off his body. What other proof do you have?

RANT: He also said something about, "Tell my old buddy that I never once revealed what he makes his sausages out of, but if he isn't polite to you boys, then shout it out loud that they are mostly-"

INNKEEPER: Sit down! Any friend of Tom-Tom's is a friend of mine! Let me offer you food and lodging on the house! What can I get you to eat?

MAD: We're not fussy! We'll take anything but your homemade sausages!

Panel 3.
LOVEABLE: Hello, I'm Loveable the Ochre! Pleased to meet you, and this seems like a good time to give you the condensed version of my life history to date! I'm only ninety years old, so it won't take more than a few days -

RANT: Er, charmed, charmed, but unfortunately I have an urgent appointment to go loiter in the street. Perhaps some other time?

LOVEABLE: You humans! Always rushing off to get married or fight a battle or die or some other hasty deed! Why, if a true Ochre decided he was ready to die, he'd still take ten or twelve years to ponder exactly what bequests to make in his last will and testament! But do humans show that much consideration for their heirs? No, they just -

RANT: Goodbye! I promise I'll give you time to tell me all about yourself, LATER!

Panel 5.
Rant is standing on top of a stone wall.

RANT: So that's Lowdown, the latest Phony Dragon to be captured by the Ice Sedate organization after illicit use of the Fun Power! Sure am glad I climbed up on this steep wall to see him over the crowd! But he's giving me such a nasty stare . . . almost as if he senses we have something in common! What on earth could it be? Bad taste in clothes? Gee, suddenly I feel dizzy . . .

Panel 6.
This panel is actually a text box, with no colorful illustrations. In large letters, it says:

"Multiple Choice Question for all readers! Rant is now falling off the wall (behind this text box, where you can't see it) because:

1) He had a sudden relapse of the mysterious fever that afflicted him a couple of days ago, around the time Skilli Maine tried to kill him.

2) Lowdown the Phony Dragon has the power of the evil eye, which can knock you off balance (literally) and used it.

3) His ta'verner luck, which ignores his OPINION of what would a lucky thing to do next in favor of living its own life instead, decided to push him over into the Palace Gardens so that one of his future Significant Others can practice mothering him.

4) Shameless contrivance by Jordan with no particular rationale behind it.

5)Other? (fill in the blank space below this question with your personal slant on this vital issue!)

[LARGE BLANK SPACE HERE]

SOUND EFFECTS (at the very bottom of the panel): CRASH! 
 

Page 18.

Panel 1.
Rant falls on his back on the ground, just happening to land neatly in front of ELAMEBRAINE (she was sitting on the ground fiddling with some herbs). 

ELAMEBRAINE: Oh, you poor boy! I suppose I'll just have to nurse you back to health!

RANT: Hmmm? Oh no, I feel fine! Really!

ELAMEBRAINE: You're my witnesses, boys! He MUST have hit his head too hard! A beautiful princess (myself) is offering to give him tender loving care, and he declined! Obviously his wits are still a bit scrambled from that fall, and he NEEDS my medical assistance!

GO'WAN: Excellent logic, sis!

Panel 2.
GO'LEAD: Be that as it may, I guess I'll just have to nip off and inform the guards that an intruder is on the grounds!

GO'WAN: Go'lead, you're no fun! Didn't you ever just want to sit in a quiet garden, and hold a girl's hand, and gaze up at the moon in the crisp evening air, and not be interrupted, and so forth?

GO'LEAD: Yes, I tried that once. I caught pneumonia.

[NOTE: Go'lead's answer is quoted, verbatim I think, from a certain work of science fiction by one of the field's greatest authors. We have to get some literary allusions and such into this parody SOMEHOW, after all! The first person to correctly identify the author of that work, and its exact title, will receive that ultimate accolade for distinguished achievement - a hearty handshake from yours truly the next time I meet him face to face!]
 

Panel 3.
MOREGAZE: Tell me, how did you come into the palace gardens and why do you have that Sword of Unbreakable Material? You look like a mere farmboy, but normally a Fighter-Class Adventurer would have to be at LEAST a Level 8 character before he qualified for such a high- powered magic item under the standard rules for such things!

RANT: I had climbed up on the wall to see the Phony Dragon, and I just happened to slip and fall right into the lap of your daughter! This Fun Power-wrought blademaster sword is just a gift from my daddy, a farmer in the land of the Two-and-a-half Rivers! 

MOREGAZE: That story is so utterly ridiculous that I deduce it MUST be true! Surely a liar could do a better job of finding a PLAUSIBLE explanation!

RANT (thinking): That's what she calls logic? Man, one of these days I have to try to sell her some real estate in Shutup Lookout!

Panel 4.
Elaida: This I Foretell! Blood and terror shall sweep across the world, and this man stands at the center of it, for better or for worse!

MOREGAZE: Why, is he causing all that blood and terror in your vision?

ELAIDA: No, he's just stuck at the center of it because he's too dumb to move out of the way! He keeps crying out, "Does somebody have a roadmap I can borrow to find the fastest route to a Non-Blood-and-Terror District?" But everyone just hurries past him without stopping!

MOREGAZE: Hmmm. That doesn't make him sound too dangerous. I guess we WILL turn him loose!

Panel 5.

ELAMEBRAINE: Well, Mister all'Star, you ought to be grateful to me! If I had told Mother that you're just the sort of hunk I always dream about snuggling up with, she would have locked you in the dungeon!

RANT: Snuggling? Er . . I . . . that is to say, I wouldn't . . .

ELAMEBRAINE: How cute! Suddenly your face matches your gorgeous red hair PERFECTLY! How did you do that? Oh well, maybe we'll meet again soon and you'll have lots of time to explain it to me . . . in PRIVATE!

NOTE: Yessir, we just can't get enough Foreshadowing in this story! As Berke Breathed once put it in his infamous Bloom County comic strip, that's "Foreshadowing: Your Guide to Quality Literature!" and let's face it, this parody needs all the Quality it can find!
 

Panel 6.
GO'WAN: I feel obligated to warn you, Rant all'Star, that you had best not continue trifling with the affections of my darling sister! I know your kind! Charming flirts who think you're irresistible to every girl you meet!

RANT: Trifling? Irresistible?

GO'WAN: If I thought your intentions were dishonorable, I should have to take measures!

RANT: Measures?

GO'WAN: For instance, that loveable way you look blank and keep repeating things as if you didn't understand them is certainly a way to bring out a nice girl's mothering instinct, but in your case it's overdone!

RANT: Overdone?

GO'WAN: Well, you've been warned! Watch your step!

Panel 7. This is just a long thin panel (a tall rectangle, basically) with a big sound effect filling it up:

C
R
A
S
H
! 

Page 19.

Panel 1.
Go'wan is helping Rant arise from where he fell facedown on a flight of stairs.

GO'WAN: Clumsy today, aren't you?

RANT: Why didn't you stop me from stumbling on those stairs?

GO'WAN: I tried! I said, "Watch your step!"

RANT: I didn't think you meant it literally!

GO'WAN: Well, all'Star, is that MY fault?

RANT: Stupid place to put a staircase, anyway.

Panel 2.
We're back at the Inn. Rant has just burst in on Morphine, Lean, Peering, Night'mare, and Egging. 

RANT: Morphine, Night'mare, so good to see you again! You might want to come look at Mad! I think he's sick!

NIGHT'MARE: Fever? Convulsions? Vomiting? 

RANT: No, it's not a conventional disease! He keeps raving in a strange language at night, saying things like "Iceway Edatesay areway otnay otay ebay rustedtay! Ootay luelesscay otay accomplishway ANYTHINGWAY inway reethay illenniamay ofway effortway!"

MORPHINE: Pure gibberish! Pay it no mind! We'd better have a look at him, though!

Panel 3.
Mad has the dagger clutched in his hand, but Lean naturally managed to grab his wrist before he could do anything with it. Morphine is looking shocked, and Rant, in the doorway, is looking sheepish.

MORPHINE: He tried to STAB me with that thing! And I'll bet it hasn't even been washed lately!

RANT: Oh yes, I forgot to mention the OTHER little thing about Mad! His mysterious dagger from the accursed city of Shutup Lookout!

LEAN: Oh, I see. Such a commonplace thing, it entirely slipped your mind?

RANT: Well, doesn't EVERY big fantasy epic have some poor slob who finds a weird magic item and clutches at it frantically while his personality starts to take a turn for the worse?

LEAN: Hmmm . . . Tolkien and the One Ring . . . Brooks and the Sword of Shannara . . . Kay's Fionavar Tapestry and the Baelrath (or some other possible items) . . . I guess you have a point! Sorry I gave you a hard time about it! It WAS perfectly normal!
 

Panel 4.

RANT: So, Peering, now that Mad is recovering (for the time being) what happened to YOU since I last saw you at Shutup Lookout?

PEERING: Well, my eyes just happen to have turned yellow from bad diet - HA HA, nothing serious! - and Egging and I were held prisoner by Brightcloaks for awhile - and we heard a really weird story about the Eye Scream of the World (what a silly name!), but basically it was just your usual hodgepodge of weird little episodes during a long cross-country trip in a fantasy epic!

RANT: Eye Scream of the World? That's odd, Mad and I had a dream about Babbles'on wanting to melt that thing, but we thought it was just too many anchovies on our pizza!

LOVEABLE: By an astonishing coincidence, I've been meaning to ask an Ice Sedate a question about possible threats to the Eye Scream of the World! There was a man who just happened to stumble through our steadying going on 20 years ago . . .

MORPHINE: HEY, AUTHOR! I WANT THE AUTHOR OF THIS PARODY! What is this nonsense, having three different people suddenly burst out with wild stories about the same exact thing? Do you expect your readers to swallow such tripe, even if it's funny?

NOTE UNDER HER WORD BALLOON: Don't blame me, Morphine! This is exactly the way Jordan did it in the ORIGINAL material! Cross my heart and hope to die! --- Larry

MORPHINE: That's no excuse! I think you AND Jordan are carrying this "totally illogical ta'verner luck" too far to cover up bad writing! I've got half a mind to quit this job right now and look for a better -

NOTE UNDER THAT BALLOON: Morphine, are you familiar with what famed movie director Alfred Hitchcock once said, rather enviously, of colleague Walt Disney's special perks as a director of animated features where the stars only existed as paper and ink? He said, "Disney has the best casting - if he doesn't like a character, he can just tear it up!" Let me point out, Morphine, that you too are only a cartoon (in this ongoing parody) -

MORPHINE: All right! All right! I got the point! But will you please TRY to make these sudden plot twists more credible in the future? 

NOTE: No promises, sorry. Now, let's get back to the story development, shall we? --- Larry
 

WILL Morphine carry out her threat to go on strike until this story makes more sense? WHY does Babbles'on intend to melt the Eye Scream of the World, and WHO cares anyway? WHEN will Larry Homer find a way to actually make some money off this ridiculous work of "Quality" literature? The answers to these questions are remarkably insignificant, but that makes them just the sort of thing that WoT fanatics love to chew on!

The Eye Scream of the World, Part Six

NOTE: For those who came in late, our intrepid "heroes" (we are using that word extremely loosely, especially if you always thought a true hero showed the occasional flash of intelligence) were on their way to the Off-White Tower, headquarters of the powerful Ice Sedate organization, who virtually monopolize the use of the Fun Power in this part of the world and take pride in being as illogically clueless as possible (their claim to that title has never been seriously challenged) - but recently our "heroes" have been sidetracked by the coincidental discovery that three different rumors about perilous threats to the legendary Eye Scream of the World had suddenly come to their attention simultaneously. The current roster of those characters traveling in a single group reads thus (aside from a bunch of very forgettable horses):

Morphine Sedate, leader.
Lean Meanfightingmachine, her BodyGuarder and executive officer.
Rant all'Star, a yokel from the land of the Two-and-a-half Rivers.
Mad Caughtin'theact, one of Rant's best friends.
Peering Aybore, Rant's other best friend. (All three friends are alleged to be ta'verners, people who are constantly surrounded by outrageous "coincidences" such as you would never otherwise see unless you had spent the last fifteen hours getting sloshed in a ta'vern.)
Egging all'Them'on, Rant's almost-fiancee (according to her) and a candidate for the Ice Sedate training program.
Nighteve al'Mare (commonly called Night'mare), who also has the ability to channel the Fun Power, but only when it's absolutely necessary to the plot.
Loveable the Ochre, who is as large as a TourBlock but somewhat more affable (he only TALKS you to death!).
Lugosi, Rant's favorite horse, who has not had any dialogue thus far in the story, but seems to be important in some undefined way, more so than all the other horses in this series, anyway (how many of THEM are named after old horror movie stars? Hmmm? Clearly Lugosi is something special!).
 

ADDITIONAL NOTE: In this installment, I have deviated from my previous course of closely following the exact events of the original material (the first book of the WoT) in favor of sticking in some additional scenes for comic effect. I'm sure this will greatly shock all of you, but . . .

Panel 1.

MORPHINE: So, Loveable, you say that Rant promised to give you plenty of time to tell him your life story, and since we're about to leave town, that means you will have to come along with us? Normally I would say Rant's promises were not binding on me in any way, shape, or form, but I guess I'll let it pass!

RANT: Really? Hey, everybody! I also want to promise you that Morphine will distribute ten gold pieces to each of us, that we can all sleep in as late as we want in the mornings, that she'll tell us the REAL reason for -

LEAN: Don't push your luck, sheepherder. She only agreed to let Loveable tag along because he can guide us through the Maze!

MAD: The what?

LEAN: You'll find out soon enough!

Panel 2.

MORPHINE: Here we are! The entrance to the Mazegate! The Maze leads from one part of the world to another, and maybe even beyond! In fact, there are those who say it's not part of this world at all! It also has the dreaded Wayward Wind lurking in it, ready to drive men mad with its off-key music!

EGGING: You mean it sings that old song, "The Wayward wind / Is a restless wind / A restless wind / That yearns to wander! / And he was born / The next of kin, / The next of kin / To the Wayward Wind!"

LEAN: Sometimes. Originally the author of this parody was going to give us a full page of dialogue in the Maze with the Wind singing a different wind-oriented song in the background of every panel on that page, but he relented in favor of a more literary idea (according to my master copy of the script). In the meantime, though, please don't sing that after we step inside, you might make the Wind jealous with your smooth soprano!

Panel 3.

LOIAL: Actually, in the ancient texts of the Ochre Steadyings, it is rumored that the Maze is only one subsection of a great multiversal underground labyrinth, which various authors of SF/Fantasy are prone to draw upon for stock settings whenever they want their characters to wander around in dark tunnels and rooms for awhile. We may see and hear some very strange things . . .

NIGHT'MARE: Like a society where men and women get paid EXACTLY the same amount of money, and receive EXACTLY the same amount of respect and social prestige, as long as they are doing EXACTLY the same sort of work for which they are equally capable (granting that some tasks are better done by one gender than another), with no discrimination on either side?

LOIAL: I meant conventional fantasies that are at least vaguely realistic in terms of their dealings with human nature. Psychedelic hallucinations are handled somewhere else.
 

Panel 4.

LEAN: I don't like it, Morphine! There's some vague, not-very-TourBlockish, individual thingie skulking along behind us!

MORPHINE: What's so bad about that?

LEAN: Well, we've been followed by TourBlocks, we've been followed by Moredrawls, we've been spied on by hordes of Dorkfriend agents, we've been followed by armies of ravens and hundreds of rabid Brightcloaks, but we've never yet been followed by one quiet, skulking thing that any one of us could probably knock over with a feather! It's downright undignified! We deserve BETTER than this!
 

Panel 5.
LOIAL: All right, I'm 99 44/100 percent sure that one of the doorways from THIS junction will lead us to our final destination. Let's try that one on the far left first . . .

Page 21

In each of the six panels on this page, Loial is throwing open a new door. In each cases, voices (from unseen characters in other stories) are speaking, unaware of their temporary eavesdroppers from another continuum.

Panel 1.
Loveable is yanking open a door.

CHORUS (offstage): Far over misty mountains cold, to dungeons deep and caverns old, we must away ere break of day, to seek the pale enchanted gold!

LOVEABLE: Then again, it could be a tunnel connecting to the interior of some lonely mountain or other. Next!

Panel 2.

GUARD (offstage): I'm told there's a loose step.

PRINCE (offstage): Which one is it?

GUARD (offstage): Prince Gerard's reported it several times, but no one else seems to notice it."

LOVEABLE: Nope, this sounds like the catacombs under some weird castle or other . . . next!
 

Panel 3.

VOICE OFFSTAGE: No time to argue! Throw me the idol, I throw you the whip!

SFX: RRRRRUUUUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!

LOVEABLE: Sounds like a couple of men in the middle of an ancient temple that's about to collapse on top of them!

RANT: You can tell all that from what you heard from around the corner of that passageway?

LOVEABLE: These big ears of mine aren't just for show, you know! Next door!

Panel 4. 

SPY (offstage): Trying to fly, last time I saw him. He wasn't doing it very well.

WIZARD (offstage): Maybe it'll come to him in time.

SPY (offstage): He doesn't really have all that much time.

SOUND EFFECT: THUMP

SOUND EFFECT: THUMP

SPY (offstage): Does bouncing count?

WIZARD (offstage): Not really.

LOIAL: Nope, sounds like we ran across a commando-style raid coming up out of the tunnels that permeate the interior of a mountain stronghold of the bad guys . . . Next!

Panel 5.

Through an open doorway we can see an archway in the distance which has the following inspiring message chiseled in the stone: PUNISHMENT PRODUCES FORCE, FORCE PRODUCES STRENGTH, STRENGTH PRODUCES AWE, AWE PRODUCES VIRTUE; THUS VIRTUE HAS ITS ORIGIN IN PUNISHMENT. On the stone floor of the cavern are bits and pieces of lots of human skeletons, previous visitors to this underground labyrinth who didn't find an exit in time.

VOICE (offstage): Master Li, the thing that did that had to be stronger than twenty dragons.

TEACHER (offstage): Oh, far stronger than that.

LOIAL: Um, not quite what I had in mind. Looks like a great place for a tyrant to hide his treasure hoard, though. Next!
 

Panel 6.

OLDER VOICE (offstage): To judge by the angles of the walls, I would say we are in the pentagon of another tower, but there is no central heptagonal room. Perhaps we are mistaken.

YOUNGER VOICE (offstage): But what about the windows? How can there be so many windows? It is impossible for all the rooms to overlook the outside.

LOIAL: Nope, sounds like they're locked up inside a weird library after closing hours. NEXT!

Page 22.

Panel 1.
Our heroes are emerging from a Mazegate. Lean leads the way, glancing suspiciously in all directions. 

LEAN: This could the Borderlands - it's chilly enough that it sure ain't the tropics, much less anything well into the Southern hemisphere at this time of year! - and with my unparalleled military training, which was only heightened by the additional curriculum available to BodyGuarders at the Off-White Tower, I will soon be able to tell you exactly where we are on the globe to the nearest inch! Now stay quiet and don't bother me for a few minutes . . .
 

Panel 2.

LEAN is down on his hands and knees, sniffing at the grass.

LEAN: Hmm, this has the distinctive scent of the Borderlands, perhaps northeastern Shienar I'd say from the percentage of zinc in the soil . . . And . . . it ought to be about 9:30 PM Two-and-a- half Rivers time, and we came two time zones over to the east, so . . .
 

Panel 3.
Lean has produced a sextant and is taking a sighting on the moon.

LEAN: Hurm. The moon is now about 37.539128 degrees above the horizon, the horizon is reasonably flat rather than mountainous, the Wain constellation is currently in the southeastern quadrant of the sky . . .

Panel 4.
Lean is scribbling his calculations in a notebook.

LEAN: Carry the five . . . adjust for daylight savings time . . . convert from miles to kilometers (which is a real trick to accomplish since Jordan won't be telling us how long our own persnickety "miles" are in this series until Book 6), take the cosine and multiply by the number of pages in the first volume of this series . . .

RANT: The number of pages of actual storytelling, or do you have to count the Glossary too?

LEAN: Shut up, you're disrupting my concentration.

Panel 5. 

LEAN: Okay, we ought to be precisely 345 leagues, 3 miles, 677feet, four inches, and two shillings north-by-northeast of the location of the baseline measurements I took while in the land of the Two-and-a-half Rivers! If someone would just pull out their Rand McNally travel atlas, we'll be oriented in no time! 
 

PEERING: Rand McNally atlas? That wasn't on MY list of emergency survival equipment!

LEAN: No atlas? We're doomed! Wait, where's the nearest bookstore?

Panel 6.
Rant is pointing to a big sign, with an arrow pointing to the right, that says, 

"THIS WAY to scenic Folderol, site of the annual Springtime TourBlock Raids! 
A Must See for any discriminating Tourist!"

This sign is just to the right of another saying,

 "Welcome to scenic Shoeshine'ar!
CURRENT POPULATION:
35,000,000 [this has then been crossed by a line through the middle]
8,000,000 [crossed out]
1,500,000 [crossed out]
550,001 [crossed out]
35,786
[blank space here for the results of further censuses]
AND STILL GROWING!"

RANT: On the other hand, we COULD look at the road signs . . . 

LEAN: Well, sure, if you want to do it the EASY way! I don't know what this lazy younger generation is coming to . . . 
 

Page 23.

Panel 1.

Finally our heroes are riding up to the fortified city of Folderol.

MORPHINE: Okay, everyone, push back your hoods! They don't permit eyeless Moredrawls to enter! Serial killers, religious fanatics, traveling salesmen, criminal lawyers, jaywalkers, all those people are permitted to come and go as they please, but not Moredrawls! Even the Borderlanders have SOME standards!

Panel 2.

ANGLEHARD: My guards have just captured a raving lunatic who wandered into town. His name appears to be Pathetic Faint, except when he claims it's something else! Do any of you know him?

EGGING: Pathetic Faint? Why, he's so useless that the author of this parody hasn't even bothered to depict his occasional cameo appearances in any scene between the opening scenes at the Two-and-a-half Rivers and his tagging after us in the Maze!

MORPHINE: Excuse me, I think that's my cue to go interrogate him and find out that (surprise, surprise!) he's secretly been a Dorkfriend all this time and led the TourBlocks into the Two-and- a-half Rivers in Part 1 of this parody! Lean, you'll come along with me, of course; it's time to give these people a chance to gossip about us behind our backs!

LEAN: As you wish, Ice Sedate.
 

Panel 3.

ANGLEHARD:: This seems like a good time to tell you that your traveling companion, Lean the BodyGuarder, is actually the rightful King of the now-nonexistent nation of Mockery, voted for Ross Perot in 1992, still uses an Apple Mac at home for his computing needs, and intends to invest his life savings in helping Erich Von Daniken do more "archaeological research" to prove his point about advanced beings in flying saucers having originally brought civilization to the human race way back when!

RANT: In other words . . .

ANGLEHARD:: Yep! He's a SUCKER for lost causes! The fact that he is currently fighting on YOUR side really fills you with hope for the future, eh?

NIGHT'MARE: A King of an extinct country I never heard of before? What a shock! I don't see how a girl like me can possibly marry him now!

EGGING: I can see your problem! You deserve at LEAST a Baron who owns an INHABITED piece of real estate, so you can bully his peasants all day and all night!

PEERING (to MAD): When exactly was it established that Night'mare and Lean would even WANT to get married?

MAD: Gee, weren't you there when she called him an arrogant, stone-faced, insensitive clod whom she wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, except to poke his eye out with it?

PEERING: No, but it must have been a dead giveaway for anyone who WAS there! The nicest thing she ever called ME was a yellow-eyed jaundice victim!
 

Panel 4.

MORPHINE: Now then, Lord Anglehard, we must soon take our leave. We go north into the Bloat to seek the legendary Eye Scream of the World and its caretaker, the Jolly Green Giant! 

ANGLEHARD:: I can send some men with you for security.

MORPHINE: Nope, too dangerous! I'll just stick with Lean and these Two-and-a-half Rivers bumpkins! The Old Blood will do its stuff!

ANGLEHARD:: Really? How much military experience do they have?

MORPHINE: Lean has taught them how to hold their weapons properly without cutting themselves!

ANGLEHARD:: And you're going to trust the Old Blood to do the rest?

MORPHINE: Yep!

ANGLEHARD:: Near as I can tell, boys, her strategy is for you to go toe-to-toe with the TourBlocks, get wounded, and bleed your potent Old Blood all over their colorful T-Shirts! Maybe then they'll panic and run home to the nearest dry cleaners before the stains dry! Worth a try!

RANT: I'm not sure I remember volunteering for this hazardous mission . . .

PEERING: I don't remember volunteering for ANYTHING, but nobody else ever seemed to care about that!

MAD: Excuse me, boys and girls, but if we're headed deep into enemy territory to face overwhelming odds and probably get slaughtered, I better start doing really manly things to prove I have the right stuff for a military career!

EGGING: You mean . . . 

MAD: Yep! I'm going to start swearing! (Such swearing as Jordan permits us, anyway). Watch this!

Panel 5.
Closeup on Mad as he shakes one fist over his head (it clutches his cursed dagger).

MAD: All right, get out of my bloody way and let me lead the bleeding charge into the bloody battle with the bloodthirsty foe! So help me, I'll bloody well make those bleeding bleeders BLEED before I'm bleeding finished with this bloody bloodbath!

PEERING: You did it! Twelve uses of variations of the word "blood" in only two (reasonably brief) sentences! The new record for profanity!

A SOLDIER: Egad, for a general who can cuss that fluently, I'd follow him into the Dork One's lair itself! I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up the most celebrated military commander of the age!

FOOTNOTE: AH HA! You really thought we were going to let an entire episode go by (at long last!) WITHOUT any gratuitous foreshadowing, didn't you? But (as we keep telling you) foreshadowing is your guide to Quality Literature, and if we ever failed to include some, we might be accused of turning out second-rate parodies with no intrinsic artistic merit instead! Can't have that! So at the very last moment, we squeezed something in!

WILL our heroes be able to locate the legendary Jolly Green Giant and the Eye Scream of the World? WHY does Babbles'on intend to melt the Eye Scream? HOW did Morphine find the Eye Scream of the World the first time around, 20 years ago, given that she obviously didn't have a dire and pressing need at the time for the Eye Scream itself OR the legendary Horn of Veneer? (Oops, we forgot to mention her briefly-alluded-to past visit during this parody! Oh well, no harm done really! How important can it be? Jordan's had eight volumes to answer that question in a more serious fashion (8.1, if we count "New Spring" as being roughly 1/10 of a volume) and he hasn't bothered to develop the idea either!) WHAT will Larry Homer decide to use as the parody version of the title Forsaken? For once, most of these questions WILL be answered in the forthcoming installment, which will be the Grand Finale of this infamous parody, and good riddance to it!

The Eye Scream of the World, Part 7

For those who came in late: 

This is the final installment of a valiant effort to create the script for a parody of TEOTW, done (more or less) in the classic style which Mad Magazine has developed for its monthly parodies of popular movies, TV shows, and whatnot. The first 3 installments are conveniently gathered online at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/1815/wot/Scream.html, and Parts and 5 are compiled at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/1815/wot/Scream2.html. I'm running late tonight, and I believe Part 6 is still findable on every Board where I commonly post these things, although I will add #6 to my website within a few days.

Now, before we get this show on the road, I have a confession to make. My version of the Green Man (the Jolly Green Giant, of course) is blatantly based on the parody of Treebeard the Ent(who was also called the Jolly Green Giant in that parody) by the Harvard Lampoon in their BORED OF THE RINGS, a takeoff on J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings series, of course. Their version of Treebeard was always uttering terrible . . . well, you'll see my Giant is doing, and you'll get the point soon enough. But since I stole the idea from the Harvard Lampoon's little book (written roughly 3 decades ago), I figured I should give credit where credit is due, just in case any of you eagle-eyed readers are also familiar with that humorous work of literature :)
 

Page 24. 
 

Panel 1.
Our heroes are riding through the Bloat. The rocks and trees and other critters look rather fat, lazy . . . in a word, Bloated!

LEAN: Now remember, there are a few basic rules of survival here! Don't feed the animals! Don't touch the animals! Don't tease the animals! Don't litter! Keep off the grass! Stamp out your campfires! Don't channel the Fun Power except in case of total emergency! And if you think messing with the ANIMALS is bad, you should see what happens when you get too close to the PLANTS!

EGGING: Is he a BodyGuarder or a Forest Ranger?

Panel 2. 
Trees are trying to claw at them from either side.
 

LEAN: Look out! The trees are attacking us! But have no fear, we'll chop their branches off and outrun them on our horses!
 

Panel 3.
Various strange-looking animals are attacking them (Artist, have a field day doing distorted versions of such popular cartoon animals as Snoopy and Garfield).

LEAN: Look out! Various beasts of the field are attacking us! But have no fear, we'll split their skulls with our blades and outrun the rest!

Panel 4.
Lean is looking back over his shoulder with an expression of horror on his face.

LEAN: ARRRRGHHH! Now the WORMS are after us! We're DOOMED to a fate worse than death!

MAD: All this fuss over a few worms?

LEAN: Not worms, Worms! With a capital W! The economy-sized version!

MAD: Oh, I didn't hear that nuance at first. What are these Worms-with-a-big-W like? Super-toothy? Super-fast? Super-poisonous?

LEAN: Worse than that! They're . . . they're . . . they're super-SLIMY! Why, if I killed one, it would take DAYS to get the mess washed out of my clothes and make my swordhilt stop feeling slippery!

Panel 5.

PEERING: Waitaminnit - Worms? Giant, slimy Worms? Maybe we ought to stop and catch a few, even if Lean won't help! I'll bet I could catch some HUGE fish if I had them for bait!

RANT: Peering, Peering, Peering, what am I going to do with you? It was DAVID EDDINGS who wrote a fantasy epic where one of the hero's best friends was a humble, hardworking, loveable blacksmith who was OBSESSED with going fishing at every opportunity!

PEERING: Oh, was it? I'm sorry, Rant, I forgot!

RANT: So you, my blacksmith friend, will just have to find something ELSE to be obsessed with! As I once told Mad, we don't dare give the "Jordan is a Ruthless Plagiarist!" people any further ammunition!

Panel 6.
MORPHINE: Wait! Wait! I think I see it up ahead! The home of the Jolly Green Giant! I had heard the place moved around a lot, but I never expected to find it this close!

PEERING: Maybe how long it takes to find it is dependent on whether or not he thinks you're trying to sell magazine subscriptions?

Page 25.
Panel 1.
The Jolly Green Giant (hereafter called Jolly for short, so I won't have to type that whole phrase everytime he has another line of dialogue) is stepping forward to meet them, right hand raised in a sign of greeting.

JOLLY: "Peas" be unto you! I "yam" the Jolly Green Giant, one of the last remnants of the Age of Legends! "Wood" you like to come into my home?

NIGHT'MARE (to Morphine): I didn't realize he talked with a speech impediment! Caused by that burn mark on one side of his head?

MORPHINE: Er, no. Those things you heard as clumsy mispronunciations are actually meant to be plant-based puns. 

NIGHT'MARE: Well, excuse me for living, but I never DID have a sense of humor! 

MORPHINE: Believe me, we'd already noticed.

Panel 2.

Jolly is looking intently at Rant.

JOLLY: Child of the Dragon! Your people "rose" again! It has been long since I "seed" anyone like you!

RANT: Dragon? Dragon? Oh no! I have absolutely no connection with Dragons in any way, shape, or form! Wrong number, Mac! 

JOLLY: Terribly sorry about my error! "Wheat" can I do to make it up to you? 

MORPHINE: We're looking for the legendary Eye Scream of the World, actually . . .
 

Panel 3.
They are moving down through a cave.

RANT (thinking): I was one of the people the Moredrawl in the Two-and-a-half Rivers wanted . . . Babbles'on seems to have a special interest in afflicting me . . . I had some uncanny luck in the town of Five Kings when lightning just happened to blast open a barred window for my convenience . . . Lowdown the Phony Dragon seemed to be staring straight at me as if we had something in common . . . E'laidup the Ice Sedate said blood and terror surrounded my future . . . this Giant fellow seems to think I have some connection with the Dragon . . . what on earth could it all mean? Probably just one huge assemblage of coincidences!

Panel 4.
We get our first look at the legendary Eye Scream of the World! Floating in a wide brown pool in the lowest part of the cavern, we see what looks like a GIGANTIC scoop of pure, white, fluffy vanilla ice cream! (Was there anyone out there who DIDN'T know what "Eye Scream" was a pun on? If so, now you finally had that silly title explained to you!)

EGGING: That's the Eye Scream? But . . . what IS it?

MORPHINE: I'm glad you asked that question! The big white ball is a super-duper scoop of pure, solidified Scream, the component of the Fun Power which is exclusively channeled by males! We females must needs be content with channeling Smilk, the other half of the Fun Power. Fortunately Smilk was never damaged by the Dork One's influence, and those who are addicted to it are able to totally avoid the tragic fate of male channelers who seem themselves getting fatter and fatter in the mirror, until finally they are so obese that the shock drives them stark raving mad!
 

Panel 5.
MORPHINE: A heroic group of channelers during the Shaking of the World were able to purify a large sample of Scream and totally remove the fattening ingredients which the Dork One had added to the mix! They stored it here and charged the Jolly Green Giant to watch over it until the Dragon, Loose Tooth Tell'a'man, is restored to us! Since Jolly is exclusively vegetarian, they knew there was no danger of his trying to snack on it during the long wait!

JOLLY: Actually, since the stuff stays miraculously cold, I decided it made a great refrigeration unit! You see all that brown liquid around it?

PEERING: Yes?

JOLLY: That's the consolidated results of 3000 years of producing root beer to pass the time! Keep it cold enough and it never spoils!

Panel 6.

EGGING: Morphine Sedate, are you SURE the same thing can't happen to us Smilk users? I'd HATE to end up losing my girlish figure!

MORPHINE: Don't worry, child! Scream is fattening, but Smilk is actually non-fattening, or even anti-fattening! Women who use it ALWAYS end up with trim waistlines and graceful movements, as well as aging incredibly slowly and never developing wrinkles, even though most of us don't travel much, we have an unlimited budget and can eat all the food we want, we seldom do calisthenics, and we NEVER, ever, use artificial sweeteners to improve our diet! 

NIGHT'MARE: Really? Morphine, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for several days now, but I just never got around to it! I want to sign up with the Off-White Tower too! It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the revelations you just disclosed, of course!

MORPHINE: Naturally, dear. We believe you!

LEAN (muttering to himself): You know, in all my years at the Off-White Tower, I have never yet met a FAT Ice Sedate! NOW I understand why!
Page 26.

Panel 1.
Our heroes are emerging from the mouth of the cave. Facing them are two villains, A'Gimme'more and Badoldsmell. 

A'GIMME'MORE: At last, we have reached the legendary Eye Scream of the World! Your friend Mad led us to it! An old friend, an old enemy, and for crying out loud, don't ask me to how explain how the taint of Shutup Lookout could be an old friend when it only came into being about 2300 years ago and I was sound asleep at the time! I don't make up these lines, I just read ‘em from the script!

MORPHINE: (GASP!) These must be two of the Mistaken, the Dork One's most powerful and clueless servants!

EGGING: Most clueless?

MORPHINE: Of course! You didn't think he would ever promote someone smart enough to conquer the world just for THEMSELVES and leave HIM moldering in prison, did you?

Panel 2.
Jolly is charging (you might call it "lumbering") toward Badoldsmell, looking very angry.

BADOLDSMELL: Listen, plant-man, just stay out of the way and let me into that cave!

JOLLY: I may look like a shrinking violet, but I can give you a "turf" time!

BADOLDSMELL: Hmmm. He's attacking me! I could teleport away from him . . . I could stop him with a shield of solidified air . . . I could disintegrate him with balefire (except nobody knows that exists yet, not until Book 3!) . . . I know! I'll set him on fire and watch him slowly burn!

Panel 3.
Jolly, smoking profusely, is slapping at Badoldsmell, and suddenly Badoldsmell is being surrounded by lots of creeper vines and things covering his body - in some cases growing in and OUT of his body, although that's going to be hard to represent in one little panel.

BADOLDSMELL: ARRRRGH! Get them off me!

JOLLY: Pity you're not Irish, laddy, or you might appreciate this chance to give "The Wearing o'The Green" a whole new meaning!
 

Panel 4.
There is now a sapling where Jolly used to be before he fried, and a compost heap where Badoldsmell was, surrounded by flies already.

A'GIMME'MORE: Poor old Badoldsmell how I'll miss him . . . the only of the Mistaken who could ever be clueless enough to let a walking, talking, angry plant just walk right up to within arm's reach of him, so it could turn him into a compost heap!

MAD: Tell me, Mister Mistaken, Sir, would you care to make a small wager on that?

A'GIMME'MORE: Sure! I feel expansive, I'll give you twenty-to-one odds that no other Mistaken dies in a similarly asinine fashion before the end of the series!

MAD: Done! I'll bet a hundred gold against your two thousand!

A'GIMME'MORE: When should we settle up?

MAD: How about the day before Tarmon Gai'don? Odds are that AFTER the battle at least one us will be dead!

A'GIMME'MORE: Fair enough! I'll be seeing you then! Now, what was I about to do?

RANT: Er, retire to your country estate for meditation and prayer in search of enlightenment?

A'GIMME'MORE: No, that wasn't it - I don't even HAVE a country estate anymore!. . . wait just a minute, boys, it will come to me . . .
 

Panel 5.
A'GIMME'MORE: NOW I remember! I was going to seize the power of the Eye Scream of the World and use it to wipe out you pesky do-gooders!

RANT: Look, I'm really pressed for time, so I'll just drain off some of the power you're sucking from the Eye, kill you with it, and move on to the next panel! Not that I have any training in how to do these things, but Jordan and Larry both want a "quick and easy fix" to this problem!

A'GIMME'MORE: Curses! I'm a victim of story structure! Got my first onstage appearance in the FINAL big scene of the book, just in time to be the token "dead bad guy" before they wrap it up entirely! Bury me not on the lone prairie-e-e-e-e . . . [his voice trails off into smaller and smaller letters as he dies].

Panel 6.
Rant is standing atop a cliff, overlooking a scene of terrible carnage - we assume. Most of what we see is a huge dust cloud, with various sound effects coming out from all sides of it.

SOUND EFFECTS: Ugh! Aaaargh! Take THAT! So's your old man! 

RANT: Hey! Suddenly I'm overlooking the site of a big battle between the TourBlock hordes and the heroic Shoeshine'aran cavalry! At least, I THINK that's what's going on! All the dust being raised in the fracas makes it impossible to see much detail! Maybe if I wished for an electric light . . .

Page 27.

Panel 1.
Huge, jagged bolts of lightning (dozens of the silly things) are suddenly streaking down from the heavens and smashing into the dust cloud.

SOUND EFFECT: SHAZAM! 

RANT: Oops! Not QUITE what I had in mind . . . but if, by sheer luck, those bolts only killed the TourBlocks and NOT the humans, I'll claim all the credit later and say it was sheer genius that let me win the battle for them! If it DIDN'T work out that way, I'll pretend I had nothing to do with it! 

Panel 3.

BABBLES'ON: Now I have you where I want you, whelp! Surrender or I will kill you!

RANT: Oh, like I'm really going to believe you're not going to kill me anyway if I DO surrender? Forget it!

BABBLES'ON: Surrender or I'll torture your mother's ghost!

RANT: That MUST be the lamest excuse for a threat that I have EVER heard!

BABBLES'ON: Surrender and I will make you a junior partner! When I rule the entire world, you can have ten percent of my net income, after operating expenses are deducted!

RANT: Nonsense! Got to be ten percent of the GROSS, or no deal!

BABBLES'ON: Why, you insolent pup! Now I WILL kill you!

Panel 3..

RANT: Don't ask me why, but I have this sudden irresistible urge to chop at that giant cord I just happened to notice connecting to your body . . . and since you're just standing there not doing anything in particular to stop me . . .

BABBLES'ON: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHH!

RANT: Touched a nerve, did I? Now try eating a burst of solid LIGHT to your chest!

BABBLES'ON: The heartburn . . . the heartburn . . . must have . . . Alka-Seltzer!

Panel 4.
Morphine and Night'mare and Egging are waking up Rant.

NIGHT'MARE: Rant? Rant? Are you all right? The Mistaken are gone! What happened?

RANT: I . . . I . . . I can channel!

MORPHINE: That's right, Rant. You see, you're the Dragon Retorn, reincarnated into a new body to fulfill your destiny! You must fight the Dork One and go crazy all over again!

RANT: But . . . I ALREADY fought the Dork One! It's all over but the shouting!

Panel 5.

RANT: Yes! It's finally over! I defeated the Dork One! He's dead! And all I suffered for my trouble was one silly brand on the palm of one hand! That's not half bad! I'm a champion! I can retire at the age of 19! The series is OVER! Yippee! No more books full of clueless behavior from all and sundry!

EGGING: At last, I understand why they call him "Rant!" 

NIGHT'MARE: I know what you mean. The "all'Star" part was pretty obvious, but I never did get the point of the first part of his name . . .

MAD: Man, if that was the Last Battle, then I'll never get the chance to collect on that bet with A'gimmemore!

MORPHINE: Lean, what does our copy of the Secret Master Script say the total length of this series will be? 

LEAN (flicking through a sheaf of papers): Er, Jordan has said it will be at least 4 - I mean 6 - I mean 8 - I mean 10 - I mean at least ELEVEN books all put together!

MORPHINE: In that case, do you think the Dork One is already DEAD?

LEAN: Are you kidding?

MORPHINE: I just don't have the heart to tell him, though. YOU tell him!

LEAN: ME? I get paid to fight TourBlocks and Moredrawls and the occasional Mistaken, but you don't offer NEARLY enough to make me tell the Dragon Retorn that he's only completed one-ELEVENTH of this misery! Couldn't you mail him an anonymous letter?

CAPTION: And on that hopeful note, we will conclude this volume of derring-do with these words of wisdom - as long as Jordan keeps writing them, we'll keep plagiarizing - AHEM, that is to say, we'll keep PARODYING them! But, like Jordan, we'll not guarantee any set schedule, especially since he actually gets PAID for what he does and we emphatically DON'T, so don't hold your breath waiting for the next one! 

AFTERWORD

I'm sorry about putting the puns in quotes in Jolly's dialogue, but at least one of the Boards where I post these things doesn't accept standard HTML tags, which is probably one reason I have never yet developed the habit of putting key words in italics in my various WoT posts. I just put them in all caps instead, which would be a terrible habit if I were writing these manuscripts for professional publication instead of unpaid labor posted on the Internet, where standards are lower :)

I'm sorry to say it, but this is the last of the WoT parodies for awhile. Aside from the fact that I've been devoting more time to my creative writing, there's also the fear that I'm beginning to run out of jokes, or somehow lose my skewed perspective on WoT events. This last episode was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be, and either I didn't make it nearly as funny as I wanted it, or else I'm losing my ability to tell whether or not a given episode is in fact hilarious. Either way, it's time for a vacation. I suppose I will in fact try my hand at a TGH parody - SOMEDAY - but it probably won't even begin with the next four months.

GRATUITOUS PLUG

However, if you want to see some more of my thinking about the silly cliches that get used over and over in Heroic Fantasy stories, you might visit www.randland.net/fantasy/ where I have posted several items in my "Heroic Fantasy Cliches" series of articles. That URL is the site of the Fantasy Freaks Forum, but due to some sort of server problem, old posts can still be read but no new posts can be added to the Forum right now. However, there is a link at the top of that page to 
http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/messageboard/mbs.cgi?acct=mb649192, a Board which I created as an emergency backup for the Fantasy Freaks Forum, and it has some additional Heroic Fantasy Cliche material as well as some other odds and ends, including the first four pages (or thereabouts) of a short story I am working on, which (while set in an original setting instead of the WoT) also intends to take a rather disrespectful look at many of the conventions of the genre, something which I decided to do after looking over my own Heroic Fantasy Cliche posts and deciding there were some interesting ways to attack them in my own fiction :)