As Lanfear struck out at him, Rand was almost blind from the pain. Almost. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Moiraine running straight at Lanfear, a wild look in her eyes. Suddenly, Lanfear s topped and turned to Moiraine, a fierce glare in her eyes. Moiraine didn't see Rand running at Lanfear, heat in his eyes. As Lanfear turned, Rand lunged, but missed Lanfear and he and Moiraine tumbled through the doorway. "You...bloody...fool...!" was Moiraine's last cry.

Rand woke with a start. 'That was some dream' he thought. 'Oh well. I want some pie.' He sat up and was just about to call for some when something caught the corner of his eye. He slowly turned his hear around the chambers. 'Hey. These aren't my rooms. They're all...neat...and clean...and there's not food stuck in the sheets...wow...'. Rand turned at a sound next to him and saw Thom Merrilin sleeping beside him. "AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!"

Moiraine woke lazily for the first time in her life. She finally got away from those damn Finns. They were just so annoying, when with their "Moiraine, make me dinner", "Moiraine, lift this with Air", "Moiraine, give me a sponge bath..." well she showed them good. heh heh heh...She turned to drape an arm over Thom - she knew he wouldn't have left in the night. She put her arm over him and started to fall back asleep when her eyes popped open. 'Wait a minute...' she thought. 'Thom shouldn't have those...' She turned and found herself face first with a big pile of blonde hair. On her other side was long red hair, and past that was short black curls. Elayne, Aviendha and Min. "AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!"

"What are you flaming doing in my goat-kissing bed, Thom?!?!?!" Rand exclaimed. Thom awoke with a start.
"Huh, wha...what do you mean, what am I doing here?? You didn't seem to mind my company last night!"
"What are you talking about? Are you crazy?? I'm not crazy...can't be crazy...mustbreakmustkillmustbreaksealsmusteatpiemustbreakpie...not crazy yet..." Rand mumbled, waving his hands around. He stopped. Those hands looked smaller than his. And the fingernails were cleaner. And he didn't wear a great serpent ring. Rand slowly got out of the bed and went to the mirror. He looked in and saw Moiraine staring back at him.

"AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!"
"Rand, will you stop screaming? That's twice this morning!" Aviendha said as Moiraine looked at Rand's reflection staring back at her.
"But...but...but...look at me!" she cried.
"I am" Min said slyly. That's when Moiraine realized how naked she, er, Rand, really was.
'Wow' she thought. 'For someone with 3 women he's not very big.'
"Come back to bed, Rand." Elayne said lazily.
"NO!" Elayne looked hurt. "Uh, no....I have to...go do things. Important Dragon business."
'More like finding where Rand is with my body. Oh Light, I hope he hasn't woken up yet...'
Then another thought hit her. 'Oh no...if he isn't wearing any clothes...' Moiraine put Rand’s robe on and raced out of the room.

Moiraine hurried down the corridors, ignoring various people bowing and whispering. 'Well I suppose the Lord Dragon causes this wherever he goes. How could this have flaming happened? I don't understand. Rand had better not do anything to my body, that woolheaded oaf.' Moiraine paused and thought about what she had just thought. 'Great. Now I sound like Nynaeve.' She hurried through the hallway past a servant who knelt.
"My Lord Dragon" he said from one knee.
'Hey...as far as anyone knows, I am the Lord Dragon. At least while I'm stuck in his body I can straighten out some of the messes he's made. If he would have just listened to me when he had the chance...' Moiraine glared through Rand's eyes. 'Hey. I wonder if I sound like him.' She paused and looked around. No one was there. "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, do do do..." she laughed as Rand's voice came out. "Ooo look at me, I'm the Dragon Reborn, howdy, howdy, howdy!" Moiraine doubled over laughing and then...fell over.
"Bloody Rand...being so bloody tall...it's not natural..." she muttered to herself as she got up and continued towards her rooms.

Rand turned from the mirror as the door banged open. He spun, about to tell whatever servant had come in to get out or he’d kill them, but stopped when he saw himself rushing in furiously.
“Rand!!!” His body screamed.
“Moiraine!!!!” He screamed back.
“Thom!!!” They stopped and turned. Rand had forgotten that Thom was there.
“Get out!” They both screamed. Thom left hurriedly, which was hard to do with his bad leg. Moiraine faced Rand, who was still looking in the mirror. ‘What could be so fascinating about…’ she thought. Then Rand’s face turned bright red as she realized that her robe was open and Rand was staring at…he had no right!
Suddenly a hobo walked by. “Hellobo” he said.
“RAND!!” she screamed.
“Moiraine, we already went through this. You screamed Rand, I screamed Moiraine and it was kind of an introduction.” He said absently, still staring in the mirror.
“No, I mean close my robe you bloody pervert!”
“Oh. How could this have happened??” Rand asked, looking up at his body which towered a good foot over Moiraine’s.
“Well I have not a clue, I just remember going to sleep after a glorious night of…” she stopped, red spots forming on Rand’s cheeks. “…studying. Yes, studying. And I dreamed about going through the ter’angreal doorframe with you instead of Lanfear…oh Light, that’s it.”
“I had that same dream!!!”
“Oh Light, Rand, is that what I really sound like?”
“Yeah”
“Oh damn. Now I know why everyone is so scared of me. What are we going to do?? I don’t want you in my body!”
“Oh, I don’t know…I think I could get used to having this rack…heh heh” Rand said stupidly.
“Light, Rand! Don’t forget that I could use this against you just as easily!”
“Really? Ha. I already know I don’t have that much to check out!” He paused. “Wait, I mean, I’m not ashamed of myself, I swear!”
Moiraine laughed. “Oh there are more things I can do than just ogle your body. Much more.” She snickered. It sounded strange coming from Rand’s mouth, but then again it would have sounded even stranger from Moiraine.
“Listen, Moiraine, shouldn’t we just find some way to switch back and go on with our lives? I’ve got important people *cough* er, things I need to do.”
“We all do, Rand, but I told you I have no idea how to get out of this mess! It has something to do with that dream, you know.”
“Maybe we should ask someone for help.”
“No, we don’t know who we can trust these days. We have to be suspicious of everyone.”
“Light, Moiraine, don’t you even want to try????” Rand roared. Moiraine shrank back. Even at such a small height, she seemed to tower over everything in the room. In Rand’s body, Moiraine unconsciously smiled. That was good. She still had it.

When Moiraine came out of her wonderful reverie on how great it was that she could be so commanding, she noticed that Rand had opened her robe again and was beginning to drool, staring at her in the mirror. Furious, Moiraine stormed out of the room.
“Wait! Where are you going?” Rand called.
As she walked down the hall, people furiously bowing out of her way, Moiraine got an idea. Moiraine got a horrible, awful idea. She grabbed the nearest servant and pulled him up to her eye level.
“Yes, m-m-my Lord D-D-Dragon?” The young man stammered.
“Your Lord Dragon needs you to perform a…very special duty.” She breathed, making Rand’s voice deep and husky. She pulled the servant into an empty corridor and kissed him passionately. When she was done, she looked over his shoulder to see herself standing there, looking as if she was about to burst. “Best that you not tell anyone about this.” She whispered, and dropped him.
“You…you…you…” Rand stuttered.
“Wow, remind me to get angry more often. I’m cute.” Moiraine said and walked off, leaving Rand to fume in her body.
“Moiraine!” Rand called after his retreating back. Seeing some people stare strangely at him, he hurriedly yelled, “Uh, Rand! It’s Moiraine! I need to talk to you!”
Moiraine turned around, smirking. “Yes?”
“Well, I was about to show this-” He grabbed the person dearest to him (it just happened to be Lefty) “-young man something very important, and I didn’t want you to miss it, Lord Dragon.” Not waiting for a reply, Rand spun around to Lefty and opened the front of Moiraine’s robe.
“RAND! Uh, MOIRAINE!!!!” He heard Moiraine scream in his voice. He mentally reminded himself not to scream anymore. He sounded like a girl.
Lefty stood there gaping when suddenly Callandor’s blade protruded from his back. Moiraine stood behind him, ready to stab again if need be.
“It…was….all…worth it….” Lefty’s eyes shone brightly and had a grin on his face as the life seeped out of him.
“Moiraine! Uh, Rand! Why’d you have to kill him??”
“He knows why.” She said in a menacing tone. “And that was the last straw Rand. You are going to be very, very sorry that you did that.” Rand watched his body storm down the hall.

Moiraine stomped down the hall, not knowing where she was going. Then she saw Min and got another fabulous idea. She ran up to her.
“Hey, Min, it’s me, uh, Rand!”
“Yeah…hi Rand…” Min replied uncertainly.
“Well I’ve been thinking Min. And you know…this whole…thing…with us really isn’t working out.” Moiraine said.
“Wh-what do you mean Rand?” Min asked, her voice quavering.
“I’m just not ready for all of that commitment, you know? I think it would be better if we were just friends.” Min’s eyes filled with tears.
“I…I don’t know what to say…I thought you loved me, Rand…”
“I guess not. Don’t think twice, it’s alright. I’ll catch you later babe.” Moiraine walked off silently laughing. She had to find Aviendha.

“Moiraine!!! Oh Light, I’m glad I found you! *sniff* Oh Moiraine, he’s gone mad!!”
Rand stopped. That sounded like Min’s voice! “Uh, yes, uh, Sister, Uh, Daughter, uh, ah, Min. Who has gone mad?”
“Rand!” Rand froze. What in the LIGHT was Moiraine doing in his body??
“Rand? Why in the Light would you think he’s gone mad, child?” He did his best to sound like Moiraine would.
“Because he…he…he…Dumped me!!!”
“WHAT?????” Rand fumed. How DARE she? Light, he CARED about Min!
“I KNOW! Oh Moiraine, I knew you’d understand!!” She smiled a friendly smile. “Uh, Moiraine, do you want to…uh, haveasleepoverwithmeandthegirlstonight?”
Rand thought about what Moiraine would do. Moiraine would say no. Moiraine would probably get away from the situation as fast as possible and leave with the upper hand. Burn Moiraine! He wanted to know what went on at sleepovers!!!!!

Aviendha was walking down the hall, spear in hand. People were hastily avoiding her as she stalked down the halls. Moiraine reached Rand’s great arm out and caught her.
“Oh, uh, Avi, hey, I meant to tell you, this,” she indicated the two of them, “Just isn’t working. Sorry babe, don’t kill yourself or anything.”
Behind her, she heard Aviendha’s belt knife drop to the ground. It felt great.

Moiraine walked along whistling “Three Pretty Maids.” She was never able to freely whistle before, being Aes Sedai and all. They were so strict with everything. But no one seemed to care that the Dragon Reborn was walking down the halls whistling as loud as he could. All of a sudden, in a flurry of red-gold curls, Elayne came storming at her, pushing her into the nearest open door and sitting her down hard in the nearest chair. A young Lord and a serving girl jumped out of the bed, wrapped the sheets around themselves, and started mumbling to “get out,” but Elayne froze them with a look, and they quickly ran out of the room.
Elayne turned. “Now back to you. What in the Light do you think you’re doing? I’ve just spent the last three hours consoling Min and Aviendha!!” Moiraine snickered to herself. “I thought you loved them! Light, what’s next, are you going to do the same to me?” A hurt look came to her eyes. “Because if you are, just get it over with so I can leave.” Moiraine thought about what Rand would say. “Elayne, I would never leave you. I love you.” That sounded dumb enough. Elayne just might buy it. If the girl was as foolhardy for men as her mother was...well, enough said.
“Well that’s what Min and Aviendha thought, too!!”
“Yes, but they’re gone now. Let’s not think about them. Let’s just think about us. Elayne, will you marry me?” Moiraine snickered inside, killing two birds with one stone. Getting Rand and his problems away from her, and uniting the people all in one wonderfully played move. ‘I’m so great!’ she thought.
“Oh Rand...” Elayne breathed. “Yes, yes I will marry you!” She threw her arms around Rand’s neck and kissed him. Moiraine didn’t move. ‘Ew. This is weird.’ she shuddered inwardly. Elayne ran off down the hall skipping happily.
Moiraine hadn’t been in this good of a mood since she killed Lefty. She walked down the hall, singing “Cairhien, Cairhien, it’s a hell of a town! Da’es Daemar’s up, and honesty’s down, the people are really close to the ground, Cairhien, Cairhien...Cairhien, Cairhien...”
“Arafel, Arafel.” Some guy popped out and sang.
“What the hell??” Moiraine said. She decided not to sing for the rest of the time she was in Rand’s body. He had a terrible voice. On to bigger and better things...

Rand showed up nervously at Min’s rooms. He couldn’t wait to see what real sleepovers were like. Maybe this could give him a couple of ideas on how to deal with women. It had sure worked for Perrin...not that he needed anymore...he was doing just fine. Yes. Just fine. Unfortunately it was hard to reassure yourself when you were stuck in a woman’s body. ‘Damnit!’ Rand thought. ‘Sometimes I just hate my life.’ He moved to knock, then remembered that Moiraine never knocked, so he just walked in. Light, this being Moiraine stuff was hard!

‘It’s so easy being Rand.’ Moiraine thought as she walked back to her chambers. Now that she was done being the Juxtaposition for Contrast, she walked on.

“Hello, Min. I’m here.” Rand said simply. Simple was best for Rand. He wasn’t a bright boy when you came right down to it. “Hi Moiraine...I can’t believe you came.” She gestured in, subdued. Aviendha was sitting on the floor drinking something, looking more confused then sad. She had a big bottle in front of her. Rand found himself grinning in spite of himself. ‘Yep...still got it.’
“Hello Moiraine.” Aviendha said softly. Rand had never seen her without her self composed air about her, even in the throes of passion she still managed a condescending look. But not now. Apparently women didn’t feel the need to keep their guard up around other women only.
“How are you, Aviendha?” Rand hated seeing her like this. Burn that woman to the Pit of Doom for doing this to two of the women he loved. Burn her!! Suddenly he realized that he had his arms folded beneath his breasts and that the other two women seemed frozen by his face. Wow. He finally had power.
“I am alive, Moiraine Sedai.” The Aiel woman laughed softly. “I am alive.”
“What about you, Min?” He managed to pry his gaze away from Aviendha.
“I never saw this in my visions.” ‘Well duh...’ Rand thought.
“Speaking of visions, have you seen any, uh, new ones lately?” Light, being in Moiraine’s body must bring out the conniving sneak in him!
“Well, when I look at you, I see what I usually see in Rand. That’s strange.”
“Uhhh, it’s probably just because you’re thinking about him a lot. Sooooooooooo. I wonder how Elayne is taking it?”
“Hellloooooooooooooo everyone! I’ve got popcorn! This girl’s night is going to be great!” Elayne burst in.
“Elayne? Are you okay?” Min rushed over to her.
“Oh, Min, I’ve never been better! Rand...he...he...”
“He what?” Aviendha looked up at Elayne.
“He proposed to me!” The room fell silent.
“Oh.” Min said.
“Oh.” Aviendha said.
“WHAT IN THE BLOODY LIGHT?” Rand screeched. It wasn’t really possible for Moiraine’s voice to screech, but Rand found a way to do it somehow.
“Yes! I’m going to be Mrs. Rand al’Thor!”
“Well I’m certainly, um,” Min swallowed hard. “happy for you, Elayne. I wish you two well.”
“As do I, near-sister.”
“Did I tell you what I heard, though?” Min’s eyes glinted maliciously. “I heard that our Lord Dragon was fooling around with a young *male* guard in the corridors.”
“No!” Aviendha gasped.
“Yes. And he initiated it himself, too.”
“So do you think he...”
“Swings that way? Oh yeah. Why else would he rid himself of his women?”
“Um...excuse me...” Elayne called from across the room. “Woman here!”
“Oh, that. That’s just political reasons kicking in.” Aviendha waved her off. “yes, Min, I definitely think he’s gay.”
“I REALLY DON’T THINK HE IS.” Rand stood suddenly.
“Really Moiraine? And what makes you so sure?” Min asked. “Everyone does love him, he is handsome. Don’t you think so?”
“Oh, uh, definitely. That young man is a looker, that’s for sure.” Rand hoped it was something Moiraine would say.
“You really think so Moiraine? I never thought you would think of Rand...that way...” Elayne giggled. Rand decided to keep at it.
“Yeah, I think Rand is so great. I mean he is so great.” Unfortunately Rand couldn’t come up with anything past that.
“Uh....right....” Min muttered.
“Rand al’Thor is a fooooooooooooool!!” Aviendha sang unsteadily. She looked darkly at Min’s wall, where a Cheers poster was hanging.
“What’s wrong Avi?” Min asked.
“Cheers is a fool wetlander treekiller show, Min Farshaw.”
“WHAT?! NO ITS NOT!!”
“Yes it is.” Aviendha said matter-of-factly.
“But...but....haven’t you ever wanted to go where everyone knows your name?”
“No.”
“I’LL KILL YOU!!!” Min threw herself at Aviendha, and Aviendha promptly proceeded to beat the living hell out of her.
“Wow, I never knew Cheers could bring out such anger.” he said to Elayne.
“They do this every time we’re here.” Elayne said, looking exasperated.
Birgitte walked in unannounced. “Does anybody remember LAUGHTER?!” she stumbled through the door. “I brought oosquai!!” she laughed.
“Gimme some of that.” Rand said. It was going to be a long night.

Moiraine was bored. What the hell did Rand do in his spare time anyway? She decided to go to the practice yard, just to see what all the fuss was about. Everyone always went there. She just..didn’t...get it. As she walked in, someone tapped her on the shoulder. She spun around to see a face she hadn’t seen since before her time with the Finns. An old, old friend.
“Lan!” She said.
“Hello, sheepherder. I thought that now, since Nynaeve and I are back from our honeymoon, we could work on some more sword training.”
“Uh, I, uh, hurt my arm today, I can’t do any training. But we could...talk. That would be...nice.”
“You seem different, sheepherder. Is something wrong?” Lan looked at her curiously.
“Oh, Lan! It’s me! Moiraine!”
“Moiraine? What??”
“Somehow, Rand and I switched bodies. He’s in my body and I’m in his. We don’t know how to switch back! I’m so glad I can finally *tell* someone! Light, he’s the only one I’ve been able to talk to normally and he’s driving me CRAZY! Lan, if you have any idea at all how we can switch back, tell me now, because for the love of the Light I have no idea.” She slumped, and she could almost picture the dejected look on Rand’s face.
“How can I know it’s really you? Moiraine wouldn't spill a secret that fast!”
“Lan! Well, let’s see. Do you remember that time that we got plastered and almost led an entire army against Baerlon?”
Lan laughed. “Oh Light, it is you! Ha, that was so great.”
“So what do we do?” The smile on Lan’s face disappeared.
“You could ask Nynaeve.”
“What? Oh no, al’Lan Mandragoran. There is no way I am asking Nynaeve.”
“Why not? She might know. Besides...she needs the boost of confidence.”
“Why? That girl has all the confidence she’ll need in that sniff of hers.”
“Please, Moiraine, remember that ‘that girl’ is my wife now.”
“She’s...she’s your wife?”
“Yes.”
“Oh. Well, I’m...I’m happy for you, Lan.”
“Yes, well, something, uh, happened on our honeymoon, and, well, she needs it.”
“What happened?”
“She knows.” Lan’s tone of voice said he didn't want to discuss it anymore.
“Well, we may as well try.” Moiraine said. “Let’s go. We’ll get Rand on the way.”

“I just don’t understand. Did we not please him?” Aviendha said dejectedly. “He seemed to enjoy it.”
“I guess we just weren’t good enough for him.” Min sniffled.
“Oh, I’m *sure* you were, I mean, Light, he probably enjoyed himself *quite* a bit. I’m sure soon enough he’ll come to his senses and beg your forgiveness.” Rand said, trying to be inconspicuous.
“Come to his senses? Some might say he already has.” Elayne said.
Aviendha and Min’s eyes shot daggers at Elayne.
There was a knock at the door. Lan walked in.
“Moiraine. May I speak with you? It’s quite urgent.”
“Okay.” Rand left as Min and Aviendha began to back Elayne into a corner. Birgitte was passed out on the floor.

“Now then, sheepherder.” Lan began.
“Wait, sheepherder?” Rand feigned ignorance. Not that he had to try very hard.
“Yes, I already know. Moiraine told me.”
“Oh. So where are we going?”
“To Nynaeve.”
“Nynaeve?!?!?!”
“And why not?” Lan’s look froze Rand in his steps.
“Um...no reason.”
As they reached Nynave and Lan’s room, Rand saw Moiraine waiting for them outside the doors.
“Well, go on in.” They walked in to see Nynaeve sitting on the bed reading a book, which she quickly hid as they walked in. The only part of the title Rand could make out was “101 Ways to”
“Um, Nynaeve?” Moiraine said. “We...we...we...AUGH! I JUST CAN’T SAY IT!”
“What’s wrong, Rand?”
“I’M NOT RAND!!!” Moiraine screamed.
“I’m Rand.” Rand said. “We somehow got our bodies switched...and we need your help.” Nynaeve stood up, shoving the book in a drawer. “Well, well, well. Looks like *you* need *my* help, eh?”
“Um, that’s what I just said.” Rand said.
“Well, well, well...*you* need *me.* Me!”
2 HOURS LATER
“And *you* came to *me* for help!”
“Let’s go.” Rand and Moiraine left.
“Oh crap!” Rand said as they got into the hall. “I forgot my purse in her chambers!”
“Your purse?” Moiraine said
“Well, I mean, your purse, uh, I’ll be right back.” Rand rushed into the room
“Well, well, well...look who’s come crawling back!” Nynaeve said smugly.
“Um, I forgot my purse. Bye.” He said, and left hurriedly.

As they approached Rand’s chambers, he started digging through his purse for his key. “Damn purses.” He muttered. “Get so cluttered all the time.” He pulled out the key, and opened his door. As they walked into the dark room, Rand sensed something moving in the corner. As he moved to light the lamp, they were hit by a huge blast of...something, hit the wall, and blacked out.

“What happened?” Moiraine said. She looked around to see where they were. They were still in Rand’s chambers, but they seemed...bigger, somehow. Rand sat to her left, nursing his red-gold head. Wait...his red- gold head?? She looked down at herself.
“Rand!!! I’m me again! We’re back to our bodies!!!”
“Oh, Light! We are! How did this happen?”
“I think I can answer that.” A man stepped out of the shadows.
“Asmodean???” Rand said incredulously.
“Yes. Asmodean. I was actually trying to kill you guys, but it just ended up switching your bodies back. Ah well, what’re you going to do. I’m just glad to be back where everybody knows my name. Or just you.”
“But, but I thought you were dead!”
“Nope.” Asmodean pulled out his harp and began to play.

ASMO: Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

(A CHORUS of Randlanders walks out, including Elayne, Min, Aviendha, Egwene, Lan, Nynaeve, Perrin, Faile, Mat, Birgitte, various Aiel...etc. They all hold hands and begin to sing, swaying slowly.)

"I love this song!!!" Min said. Aviendha promptly backhanded her.

MIN: (exuberantly)All those night when you've got no lights
MAT: The check is in the mail
AVIENDHA: (reluctantly) And your little angel hung the cat up by it's tail
AIEL MAN: And your third fiancé didn't show

ALL: Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
DARK ONE & CREATOR: You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
ALL: You want to be where everybody knows your name.

BIRGITTE: Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead
EGWENE: The morning's looking bright
RAND: And your shrink ran off to Europe, and didn't even write
ELAYNE: And your husband wants to be a girl

ALL: Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
MOIRAINE & NYNAEVE: You want to go where people know
People are all the same
ALL: You want to go where everybody knows your name.

(ASMO plays a searing sax solo.)

ALL: Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came....
(fades out)

DEDICATED TO ALL THE FOLKS AT THE POL COMMUNITY. EVEN THE ONES WHO DON’T KNOW OUR NAMES. WELL, ACTUALLY NOT YOU.

THE END

Disclaimer: We are not affiliated with “Cheers,” and are sorry for our illegal use of their copyrighted theme song. In other words, don’t sue.