[The main Wheel Wars theme plays ominously as the Compulsory Yellow Scrolling Text finishes its Compulsory Scroll into the subliminal. A giant plastic model spaceship makes its way slowly across the screen. We can see increasingly more of the spaceship as it flies overhead, and as the music fades we can hear the noises apparently emanating from the ship. ("Vrrrrrrroooooooooooom", it goes.) As the rear of the ship finally passes into view, we can see a hand clutching the tail end. The owner of the hand is a boy, grinning pleasurably as he flies the ship.]

Rand: Vrrrrrrrrroooooooooom....
Tam: Raaaaa-aaand! Time for supper!
Rand: Okay, daddy! (Puts toy spaceship down in the dirt and runs into the house. He sits down at the table and places his "Superwarder" bib around his neck)
Rand: (Clutching his knife and fork in both hands, he says...) Tho, what’th for dinner?
Tam: (Glances up at Rand from the stove, and shakes his head and sighs) Rand, when are you going to grow up? You’re eighteen years old and you’re still acting like you’re five...

[Rand, who is deeply immersed in the momentous task of combing lice out of his hair with his fork and launching them across the room with his spoon, does not hear a word Tam is saying.]

Tam: ...-retty soon I won’t be here, and you’ll have to tak-

[Rand is absorbed in the completion of the heavy responsibility of removing his excess ear wax and making drawings with it on his plate.]

Tam: ...-Winternight and I’ve got a million things to do while you’re playi-...

[Rand, having tired of his short stint in ear-wax artwork, is busy making strange faces and watching his reflection in his spoon.]

Tam: ...- nd if a giant flock of rabid buffalo were to rupture their splee-...

[However, the face-making routine also proves too tiresome for him. Rand is now intent on balancing his spoon on his nose.]

Tam: ...-wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner, that is wha-..

[Rand has succeeded in balancing his cup on his head!]

Tam: ...-but if a bunch of Trollocs suddenly burst through the door-...

[Rand has oh-so-carefully managed to poise his ear-wax coated plate on top of the cup on his head...]

Tam: (Stops talking, looks up at Rand, and sighs) You’re not listening to a word I’m saying are you?
Rand: Huh?
Tam: (Sigh) ...WAIT! Hear that...? I think that’s my cue to, for no apparent reason, run upstairs and give you my HeronSabre, just in time for the Trollocs to burst into the house and carry out their assassination attempt. Just a sec.

[Tam runs upstairs, heeeeeeeaves his trusty thirty ton treasure chest out from underneath his bed [As Rand adds his fork to his incredible Balance-The-Kitchen-Utensils-On-Your-Face feat], sorts through his pile of Ancient and Forgotten Things, and pulls out his HeronSabre! He clicks the button...]

SFX: Vvvmmm! rock
Tam: Hey, cool! It still works!

[Tam runs back downstairs, and gives the HeronSabre to Rand.]

Rand: (Voice is muffled by the mass of dishes and cutlery suspended on his head) Gfhmy! Wrd oo gt ungh HrnSbr frm?
Tam: No time to explain. The Trollocs will be here any second, and we need to pretend we weren’t expecting them.
Rand: Bt wght f yghr wrng?
SFX: CRASH-CLATTER-SMASH-BANG-WHOOP-WHOOP!!

[Rand’s jaw drops to the floor, and as he picks it up, all the plates balancing on his head crash to the floor. Just then, a herd of funny looking men with mismatched torsos and ram’s horns on their heads burst through the door.]

SFX: CRASH-CLATTER-SMASH-BANG-WHOOP-WHOOP!!
Funny Looking Men With Mismatched Torsos And Ram’s Horns On Their Heads: Grrrr vralla lbstr moodle arawacha doodoo yadada boom!
Rand: (Looks around suspiciously) I have a baaaad feeling about this...
Tam: Quick, boy! Out the back door!
Rand: But father, we don’t have a back door!
Tam: Don’t argue with me, boy! Go!
Rand: But-
Tam: GO!
Rand: B-
Tam: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Rand: (Deep breath) Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiigh! (...as he dives through the wall and tumbles into the backyard, clutching his head in pain) Curse you, my hallucinatory father.

[Rand jumps up and flails his way into a nearby forest to escape the coming onslaught of Funny Looking Men With Mismatched Torsos And Ram’s Horns On Their Heads. In his blind retreat he fails to notice the object which trips him and sends him hurdling through the air, landing face-down in the foliage. As he recovers, a voice pierces the shadows...]

Voice: Mesa Jar-Jar Binks!
Rand: Are you brainless?!
Jar-Jar: Mesa speaking...
Rand: The ability to speak does not necessarily indicate intelligence.
Jar-Jar: Wellsa, looks at who’s so big-shotsa smarty-warty now. Soooorry, okeday?
Rand: (Looks around cautiously, and thinks he hears a noise in the bushes...) Shhhhhh... (...he cautions Jar-Jar)
Jar-Jar: What?
Rand: SHUT UP!
Jar-Jar: Okeday.
Rand:
Jar-Jar: Mesa shutted up.
Rand: SHUT UP!
Jar-Jar: Okeday.
Rand: (Whispering) Listen.
Jar-Jar: Mesa listening...
Rand: SHUT UP!
Jar-Jar: Okeday.
Rand: Shhh!
Jar-Jar:
Rand: (Whispering) Hear that...?
Jar-Jar: Mesa don’t hear nutting!
Rand: SHUT UP!
Jar-Jar: Oke-
Rand: SHUT UP!!!
Jar-Jar:
Rand:
Noise: (rustle) Rand: Who’s there?
Noise: Rustle.
Rand: Rustle who?
Noise: Rustle you’ll be late!
Jar-Jar: Haha! Yousa funny!
Rand: I don’t get it...
Jar-Jar: SHUT UP!
Rand: Hey...that’s my line!
Jar-Jar: Oked - um...nevermind.
Rand: Shhhhh...
Noise: Rustle.
Rand: What?! Not that again! Try something original, for cryin’ out loud!
Noise: Oh. I’m so sorry....
Rand: No problem; just try it again.
Noise: (Clears throat)
Noise: Geshundeit!
Rand: (Snorts indignantly) Noises in the forest don’t go "Geshundeit"!!
Noise: This one does. Get used to it, kid.
Rand: (Sigh) You got anything else to say?
Noise: Yeah! I got a delayed Footstep Crackle from just over there to the left, a couple seconds ago.
Rand: Okay, good. Let’s hear it.
Noise: Crackle.
Rand: (Feigning shock) What was that??? Did you hear that???
Sudden Voice: GASPGASPGASP! (deeeeeeep inhalation)(siiiigh)
Rand: Who are you?
Voice: It’s Me!
Rand: Oh...thank the Light!
Me: They almost had Me, but I getses aways, yeeeessss precious, Me getses away...
Rand: (Irritated sigh) (Leans over into the shadows, and whispers into Pablo’s ear through clenched teeth) Pablo, get on with the story! We don’t have time for this crap!
Pablo: YOUR DESTINY IS IN MY FINGERTIPS, PHLEGM-FACE.
Rand: (Sheepish, apologetic grin) Please don’t hurt me!
Pablo: (Evil grin)
Rand: (Tremble)
Pablo: DON’T WORRY. I WON’T HURT YOU.
Rand: (Sigh of relief)
Pablo: YET. CONSIDER THIS A WARNING...

[A yellow "Watch For Falling Warning Signs" traffic sign suddenly falls out of the sky and strikes Jar-Jar on the head, killing him DEAD. (The crowd goes wild!) Rand, however, stares in horror at Jar-Jar’s corpse, decorated with the instrument on his death, swallows hard, and stares skyward in shock.]

Rand: This is a KID’S story, Pablo! You’re not supposed to have anybody actually DIE in it! Much less have the center of their attention die! It’s bad for publicity! Are you insane???
Pablo: WASTE NOT MY PRECIOUS STORY-TELLING SPACE. TIME WILL TEACH YOU TO APPRECIATE THE EFFECTS OF REINCARNATION. AND RAFO.
Rand: (Temporarily stunned) RAFO?? Asmodean’s killer??
Pablo: OBI-WAN HAS TAUGHT YOU WELL, YOUNG AL’THOR.
Rand: But what do you mean?
Pablo: SILENCE!

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[Meanwhile, back at the ranch...]

[Two Trollocs have Tam cornered with their scythes, while the other six ransack the house looking for Oreo’s. One of the two Trollocs threatening Tam has three horns protruding from his forehead. The other one is apparently half-horse, half-Snuffeluffaguss - but with a neck that’s 2 feet long.]

Trolloc 1: Me William. Me wants to play!
Trolloc 2: Agh! Me’s Fred. Me likes maybe play too?
Tam: Aaaaarrrgh!!
Trolloc 1: (Raucous laugher) You no want play William?
Trolloc 2: Freddy want plaaaaaaaayy!
Trolloc 1: William want have fun! You have William have fun?
Trolloc 2: Me want have fun with William! Me want play too!
Trolloc 1: (Sneers at Fred the Long-Necked Trolloc) Three-horns don’t PLAY with long-necks. Phhhtbtbht!
Trolloc 2: (Sniffs)

[The two continue arguing. In the meantime, Tam escapes through the...um...back door.]

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Meanwhile, hidden by the darkness of the forest, Rand lays with his back against a tree, remembering... [The scene turns watery and blurry and is accompanied by Sentimental Recollection SFX.]

Rand: (Standing on the road with his father) Hey! What in the bloody flaming Light is that? See, dad? Over there! It’s a very tall man on a horse and his cloak isn’t affected by the wind and he has no eyes and his horse doesn’t leave any footprints and hey!! He just disappeared!
Tam: Huh???

Rand: Did you see him? Did you see him? Did ya did ya didyadidyadidya?? Huh? Did you see him???!
Tam: (Stares at his son bewilderedly) Uh...um...no son, I can’t say I did. But you know I would never doubt your word, Rand. If you say you saw him, then I’m sure he was there...(Muffled snicker under his breath)
Rand: (Pauses) Uh...yeah. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming, father. Aaaaanyway, I guess we’d better get going so we’ll still be in time for this delivery, huh?
Tam: You’re right about that, son. Besides, I bet you’re anxious to be seeing Egwene again...
Rand: Gosh, YOU’RE right about that! I’ve been thinking up some pick-up lines to use on her...here, tell me what you think. (Clears throat) "My feet are getting cold, 'cause you just knocked my socks off"...How’s that?
Tam: I-
Rand: Or how about this? "If you were a booger, I’d pick you first!"
Tam: Rand, I don-
Rand: Or what about, "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'u' and 'i' closer together."
Tam: Son, jus-
Rand: Or here’s my personal favourite: "I think I must in Heaven, because you’re apparently an angel!"
Tam: (Defeated sigh) Good, Rand. They’re all...very good. Very witty and intelligent. I’m sure she’ll fall head-over-heels in love with you because of them.
Rand: Great!! It took me over a month to think up that last one...
Tam: Let’s go, Rand.

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[Over in Emond’s Field, a visiting Sedai Knight and her Warder are trying to sneak around unnoticed....unfortunately, to no avail.]

Paperboy: Extra, extra! Read all about it! Two strangers in Emond’s Field! Thaaaat’s right! A pair of outsiders in the village! Get the full scoop here! A twosome of foreigners in town! A pair of-
Lan: Shut up, sheet-herder!
Paperboy: Gotcha. (Scurries off into the subconscious)

Moraine: Republican credits will do fine.
Master al’Vere: No!
Moraine: Republican credits WILL do fine.
Master al’Vere: I said no, they won’t!
Moraine:(Waves hand in front of Master al’Vere’s face) Republican credits will do FINE.
Master al’Vere: What’s wrong with you, woman? I said no! And who do you think you are waving your hand around like that, some kind of Sedai Knight? Mind tricks don’t work on me, I’m an Innkeeper.
Moraine: REPUBLICAN CREDITS WILL DO FINE OR I’LL DISCHARGE A BLAZING BALL OF HOLOCAUSTIC INCANDESCENT PHLOGISTON TO DISINTEGRATE YOUR STUPID INN!!!
Master al’Vere: (Gulp) Uh...hehe...Republican credits will do fine. Heeere’s your key; you’re in room number four. Up the stairs and two doors down on the left. Have a nice stay!

Mat: Perrin! Perrin! Guess what I just did?
Perrin:(Bored tone of voice) Did you add trichlorethane to Mistress al’Vere’s honeycakes again?
Mat: Nope, that was last week.
Perrin: Did you light the Congars’ cat on fire?
Mat: Naw, that trick’s old by now.
Perrin: Did you replace the ketchup with "Uncle Shaidar’s Scorching Hot Pasta Sauce from Shayol Ghul" again?
Mat: I-
Perrin: Did you stuff a rabid wolverine down Nynaeve’s dress?
Mat: Perr-
Perrin: Did you slice the legs of somebody’s horse again?
Mat: PERRIN!
Perrin: ...huh?
Mat: NO! I did none of those things! ...I’ve done ‘em all more than five times and they’re no fun anymore.
Perrin: Well, I’m glad to see you’ve finally come to your senses, Mat.
Mat: What are you talking about?
Perrin: You mean...
Mat: Nope!
Perrin: Ooooooh, bloody flaming Light! I gotta get outta here!
Mat: (Looks at his watch) Should be about ten more seconds before she starts screaming. (This is gonna be good, Perrin!) Six...five...four...three...
Perrin: (Covers his face in his hands and prays silently)
Mat: ...Two...one...
Nynaeve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGH!!!!
Perrin: (Whispering) What in the bloody flaming Light did you DO, you fool??
Mat: (Shrugs helplessly) Guess she found the dead squirrel...
Perrin: Hey look! There’s Rand and his dad.
Mat: (Cupping his hands to his mouth) HEY RAND! GUESS WHAT I JUST DID TO NYNAEVE!
Nynaeve: SO IT WAS YOU, MATRIIM CAUTHON! GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN BLOODY SMASH YOUR SCRAWNY WISE-GUY REAR END INTO THE NEXT BLOODY AGE YOU BLOODY FLAMING WOOLHEADED LUMMOX!! AGH!
Mat: (Whispering to Perrin) ...and she think I’ll willingly come over there so she can do that to me? (Yells to Nynaeve) FAT CHANCE, YOU BLOODY FLAMING LIGHT-BLASTED PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A VILLAGE WISDOM!
Nynaeve: OH YEAH??!! WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT, YOU BESLUBBERING HALF-FACED FUSTILARIAN!!! (Sniff) (Tug)
Mat: (Muttering under his breath to Perrin) Temper, temper. (Yells to Nynaeve) YOU WANNA COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU PATHETIC TUB OF LARD??!! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT AN GOOD-FOR-NOTHING WISDOM WANNABE WHO COULDN’T CURE A BLOODY FLU!!!
Tam: Now, now, youngsters. Calm down.
Nynaeve: HE CALLED ME A PATHETIC TUB OF LARD, MISTER AL’THOR! DO SOMETHING TO HIM! TALK TO HIM! MAKE HIM SAY HE’S SORRY OR SOMETHING!
Tam: (Whispering to Mat) Way to go, son! ...But you better say you’re sorry just so she doesn’t thump you. (Winks at Mat)
Mat: Gotcha. (Cups his hand to his mouth) HEY, NYNAEVE! I’M VERY, VERY SORRY THAT I’VE BEEN SUCH A MISERABLE JERK TO YOU, AND I PROMISE I’LL NEVER, EVER, EVER DO IT AGAIN! (Whispering) Just kidding, slime-ball.
Nynaeve: (Sniff) (Tug)
Mat: C’mon, Perrin. Let’s go see Rand. (Looks over at Rand, and sees him talking with Egwene.) Um...or, how ‘bout we don’t, and say we did. I know! Let’s go see what Dav did with that badger!
Perrin: (Stops short and stares at Mat in horror) Badgers? (Camera zooms in accompanied by jarring orchestra chord) BADGERS?! (Camera zooms in again accompanied by another jarring orchestra chord) WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ BADGERS!!

Rand: (Approaches Egwene suavely; a stagger in his step and a sparkle in his eye. Runs a hand through his smoooooth hair-do as he snaps his fingers to point-shoot at ‘er.) Saaay, baby...do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Egwene: (Rolls her eyes and walks away)
Rand: (Growls under his breath) Bloody women...
Tam: Nice try, Rand. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.
Rand: Thanks, dad...
Tam: Hey, why don’t you catch up with Mat and Perrin? I hear there’s a gleeman in the village.
Rand: (Dazed) A GLEEMAN??? HERE??? OH, WOW!! Tam: Go on. Don’t worry, I’ll break my bloody back unloading the bloody cider all by my bloody self while you go and listen to the bloody gleeman.
Rand: WOW! THANKS, DAD!
Tam: (Muttering to himself) I can’t believe he didn’t pick up on that hint...
Rand: (Muttering to himself) I can’t believe he thought I didn’t pick up on that hint...
Perrin: Hey, Rand!
Rand: Hey, Perrin! How’s...hey look, a raven! (Points on top of the Inn roof)
Raven: Caw! Caw!
Lan: (Appears suddenly and out of the blue, pulls out his bow, nocks an arrow, pulls the drawstring and fires off the arrow and kills the raven dead before you can say, "Holycrapyou’reabloodycrackshot!") Bloody filthy carrion eater. (He mutters)
Perrin: Awww....poor litto boidy...Why’d you do that, mister?
Lan: (Stares at Rand wild-eyed) Ravens are the spies of the Dark One! They’re always watching you...they never leave you alone...(Looks around suspiciously)...HAYAH!!! (Rand and Perrin both jump) THEY WATCH YOU! ALL DAY! (Voice lowers to a whisper) Then they report your every single action to the Dark One and before you know it the Trollocs are on your tail clawing and shrieking and flinging their scythes and swords at your head and YOU’LL NEVER ESCAPE THEIR BLOODY TRAP BECAUSE THEY NEVER EVER EVER EVER BLOODY GIVE UP UNTIL THEY’VE GOT YOUR BLOODY HEAD ON BLOODY SILVER PLATTER FOR THE DARK ONE TO DEVOUR WITH HIS BLOODY PERSONAL GOLD-RIMMED DINNER SET!!!
Rand: (Mouth hanging wide open as he stares wide-eyed at Lan)
Perrin: (Ditto)
Moraine: Lan, dear, don’t frighten the children.
Rand: W-who are y-you?
Moraine: My name’s Moraine, and this here is Lan. (Points at Lan, who has resumed his Stone Man impression)
Perrin: A-are you a S-sedai Knight?
Moraine: You’re a funny little boy. What’s your name?
Perrin: Perrin, ma’am.
Moraine: What’s your last name??? When were you born???! Where were you born??? Who is your mother???!! Which one of you do they want??? Here, have this coin!!!
Perrin: BLOODY FLAMING LIGHT, THESE PEOPLE ARE BLOODY FLAMING PSYCHO, RAND!!!!
Moraine: Take the coin!! PLEASE! Take the coin! Both of you! And give this one to Mat!!
Rand: (Whispering to Perrin) Perrin, take the coin, QUICK, then RUN! We gotta ditch these wackos.
Lan: THEY’RE WATCHING YOU!!! AAAAAAAAAAALL DAY!!

Rand: (Talking to Mat, back at the Inn) ...and then he just goes completely beserk, yellin’ and screamin’ something about ravens watching me and Trollocs and...jeez, those weirdo’s freak me out.

Lan: (Talking to a tree, back in the forest) ...and then he just goes totally wide-eyed and starin’ at me all scared-like thinkin’ I’m crazy or something and...jeez, that weirdo freaks me out. Do you think I’m crazy, Ernie? I’m glad you’re my friend...(Hugs Ernie the tree)

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[Commercial break]
Cheery voice: After these messages...we’ll be riiiiight back

Man on platform: (The man is the smooooth salesman type...who is currently shouting) Are you fed up with all the false Dragon’s that have roamed the earth promising salvation and deliverance?!
Crowd: YES!
Man on platform: Are you sick and tired of all the repetition and broken promises?!
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Man on platform: Then have I got the thing for you!! Give those losers some of their own medicine, with the all new Uncle Rickety’s False Dragon Pack! (Crowd cheers wildly) This kit includes all the tools you need to get the job done right the first time! It contains: "Prophecy Performer" Version 2.1, "The Beginner’s Guide to Saidin", "How to Conquer the World in One Easy Lesson", "Mommy, How Come Daddy Looks So Evil?", and even "Chicken Soup for the False Dragon’s Soul"! PLUS, when you purchase this exciting package, you receive a free bonus gift! That’s right, your own personal "saidin - break YOUR world" T-Shirt!! Crowd: (Cheers wildly)
Man on platform: Order NOW using cheque or money order or I will personally come over there and kill you.
(Fade to black)

[An upbeat, catchy rhythm plays as a VERY bright, clashing colors cascade across the screen in a brilliant spectrum of light and happiness. A voice joins the music, and sings...]

Female singer: Ooooooh, I know you got some broken pots,
BG Vocalists: Cha-cha-cha-cha, baby baby
Female singer: Aaaand I know you love them lots
BG Vocalists: Cha-cha-da-da-cha
Female singer: You got them busted pans a-hangin’ round your kitchen as debris!
BG Vocalists: Oooooooooooo, la la la la la la! (Sing it, girl!)
Female singer: Ooooooh, ya needn’t fear, if ya bring ‘em here, we’ll-alalalalalala we’ll fix ‘em and we’re fast ooooooh yeah yeah yeah
BG Vocalists: Yeeeeah baby, sing it girl, oh yeah!
Female singer: Ooooh, we’re the Tinkers, yeah
BG Vocalists: Tinkers, uh-huh, uh-huh
Female singer: Visit the Tinkers, visist the Tinkers, we’ll fix your pots!
BG Vocalists: Tiiiiinkers, baby!
Female singer: Theeeeee...tinkers!
BG Vocalists: TINKERS!

Voice-over: We now resume our regular programming....IN ABOUT A MONTH!!! HAHAHAHAHA! That’s right, folks! A MONTH! Pablo’s goin’ on summer holidays on Friday, for about three weeks! Noooooo series continuation for yoooou....phhhtbhtbht! ;)

In episode 1.2 of the continuing Wheel Wars series, our Hero* has thus far: * Been introduced

[Ahem...] A long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far, far, far, FAR, far away from anything even remotely resembling the basic principles of reality, a wind rose in the Mountains of Mist. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. It just keeps going and going and going and going [The Energizer bunny marches across the screen] and going and going and going and going. (And going) In one part of the galaxy driven by the Wheel, Naboo was under an attack. In the other, Rand al’Thor was awakening from a plot-essential flashback...

Rand: [Leaning against a tree, awakening from a plot-essential flashback.] There’s no place like home...there’s no place like home...
Tam: [Shaking Rand by the shoulders] Rand! Wake up!
Rand: Huh? Wha...? [Looks around the dark forest] Uh-oh, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore...
Tam: [Stares at Rand, perturbed, shakes his head, then slaps him in the face in an attempt the try to bring Rand back to his senses.] Wake up, boy! Trollocs are tearing apart the house looking from Oreo’s and trying to find the remote for the TV and-
Rand: Trollocs??? You must be off yer rocker, pops! Trollocs are only fictional fairy tale characters currently existing in an 8 volume series called "The Wheel of Time" written by a man named Robert Jordan as an extraordinarily complex marketing ploy!
Tam: [Knocks on Rand’s skull] Hellllooooo? Anybody home? We’re livin’ in this extraordinarily complex marketing ploy! People like you - clueless, brainless, and utterly hopeless - were designed to keep the readers glued to the series to see how long it takes you to figure out things like this!
Rand: [Staring cluelessly at Tam] [Mumbling] Nobody ever tells me anything...
Tam: [Shakes his head] Hurry up! Let’s go! We’re runnin’ short on time, here.
Rand: But my plot-essential flashback was just getting even MORE plot-essential!
Tam: Well can’t you just sum up?
Rand: 2 + 2 = 4
Tam: [Glares threateningly at Pablo] Pablo, get ON with it!
Pablo: THOU SHALT SHUT THY FACE OR ELSE RECIEVETH A GRAND PIANO UPON THY FOREHEAD. TAKETH HEED OF MY ADVICE. [Presses ‘Rewind’]
Director Joe: [Counts down from 3] Aaand...action!
Tam: Well can’t you just sum up?
Rand: Okay - I met a gleeman with diabolical facial hair named Thom (The gleeman’s name was Thom, not the facial hair) and a psychotic Darkfriend peddler named Padan Fain. But you’re not supposed to know the peddler’s a Darkfriend yet.
Tam: Okay, good. We don’t have much time; the actor portraying Narg is running on a tight schedule.
Rand: [Confused] Narg? Who’s Narg??
Tam: You’ll see.
Rand: [Sobbing] Nobody ever tells me anything! And how come I never get to do what *I* want to do? Why does it always have to be YOUR way?!
Tam: BECAUSE I’M YOUR BLOODY FLAMING FATHER SO SHUT UP OR I’LL BREAK YOUR BLOODY NECK!! DON’T ASK SO MANY BLOODY QUESTIONS, BOY!
Rand: [Sobbing hysterically] Da-ad! I hate you! You’re always so mean to me!
Tam: SHUT UP!
Rand: [Screaming with hatred] DAAAD!
Tam: I SAID SHUT UP! DID YOU HEAR ME OR DO I HAVE TO BLEED ACKNOWLEGDMENT OUT OF YOUR BLOODY SKULL??!!
Rand: [Hollering his tears] I-I-I-I-I-I...I HATE YOU!!!
Tam: SHUT THE BLOODY FLAMING LIGHT UP, BOY!
Rand: [Noticing a 3-foot gaping hole in Tam’s chest] Dad, you’re bleeding.
Tam: Oh, it’s just a scratch.
Rand: Uh...I don’t think so...you’re seriously bleedin’ there, dad.
Tam: It’s just a flesh wound, boy!
Rand: No dad, you’re-
Tam: SHUT UP!! IT’A JUST A BLOODY SCRATCH!! IT DOESN’T HURT A BIT!! REALLY!! I’M FINE!!! PERFECTLY FI- [Faints]

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[Half an hour later]
Rand: [Nearly passing out from boredom] [Singing dully] Nobody knows...the Troublei’veseen....Nobody knows...My sorrow....
Nobody: Bloody right about that, kid. I sure do know the Trouble’iveseen. Known ‘im all me life. Great bloke, really. He’s got-
Rand: Shh! Tam’s waking up!
Tam: There’s no place like home....there’s no place like home...
Rand: [Shaking Tam by the shoulders] Tam! Wake up!
Tam: [Eyes flash open and dart around suspiciously] Who are you? Are we enemies? I’ll beat you both apart! I’ll take you both together!
Fezzig: You can’t even move your arms! [Pauses] [Confused] Inigo? Inigo! Inigo, where are you?
Rand: Dad! How many fingers am I holding up?
Tam: [Wrinkles his brow and squints, trying to focus his concentration] [Muttering] Er...let’s see...three divided by...carry the nine...multiply by Pi-r-squared...um...[Counts on his fingers while muttering inaudibly] [Stares at Rand’s fingers again] [Confidently] Three hundred and seventy three.
Rand: Okay, good. How do you feel?
Tam: Uh, same as usual, I’d say. Sensory nerves in my fingertips send an impulse via the motor nerve up to my brain where it’s transla-
Rand: [Shakes his head] Forget it, dad. Like you said, we gotta get going.
[Rand helps him up and together they hobble back to the house. They enter through the...back door...and Tam sits down at the table. Rand puts some stew on the stove for Narg and joins Tam at the table. They wait. And wait...and wait. And wait...]
Rand: [Tapping his fingers absent-mindedly on the table whilst whistling an unidentifiable tune]
Tam: [Resting his chins in his hands and exhaling boredly.]
Rand: La, la, la....do, do, dooo...[Glances at his watch]
Tam: [Disgruntled siiiigh]
Rand: [Singing quietly to himself] Nobody know...the Troublei’veseen...nob-
Nobody: Look, kid, I thought we already sorted this out!
Tam: HEY! [Strikes the table with his fist, startling Rand] I know! I’ll teach you some sword forms while we’re waiting for Narg!
Rand: [Mumbling contemplatively...] How conveniently clever...[Stands up and pulls out his HeronSabre. Casts his cloak aside and confronts Tam as he click the button...
SFX: Vmmm...
Tam: Okay. Now, feed all your fears and emotions and thoughts into the Flame...
Flame: Gobble, gobble, gobble
Tam: ....You are one with the Void..
Rand: [Swings his HeronSabre about experimentally]
SFX: Voo, voo, vmmm...
Tam: The first form I’m going to show you is called "Tarantula Contemplating Philosophical Hypothesis’ Concerning Heterogeneity" [Goes through the motions with an imaginary sword as Rand mimics him with the HeronSabre]
SFX: Vmm, vmmm, vmmmm...
Tam: Got it?
Rand: Yup!
Tam: Good. Now try this: You sorta flick your wrist and spin the HeronSabre around so it’s at a 47.5 degree angle, then in one almost undetectable combination move you shove the Sabre into your enemies’ stomach, twisting it and doing the Macarena. It’s called "Dominique the Spasmodically Exaggerated Sales Clerk Misinterpreting Written Protocol".
SFX: Vmm, vmmmm...[As Rand experiments the motion with an invisible opponent. Rand: Wow...that’s effective! ...Anything else you wanna show me?
Tam: Yeeeeah...there’s one in particular I really like. It’s called "Undeviating Aggrandizement and the Deep Down Cerebral Groove While Inside the Pylon With the Lifeless Alabaster Doll And The-"
SFX: Knock, knock!
Tam: Who’s there?
Voice: Narg!
Tam: Narg who?
Narg: Uh...um...Narg me over and blow me down...?
Tam: [Sneers disgustedly] That was pathetic, Narg.
Narg: Narg sorry. Narg come in?
Ta,: Yes, of course! By all means!
[The door swings open, and in steps...William Shatner???]
Jarret Wold: Mwahahahaha...
[Shatner is decked out in an apparently homemade suit sewn together rather clumsily of goat hair and horse flesh. Cow hooves are glue onto his Reebok and a pair of antlers strapped onto a bicycle helmet on his head. He is carrying a plastic scythe (With the price tag still on it)
Shatner (Narg): Grrrr. Me Blorg. Me want talk.
Director Joe: CUT! Shatner - it’s "Me NARG". "Narg", got it? Who the heck’s Blorg, Shatner? Try it again.
Tam and Rand: [Looks around, confused]
Shatner: Me Narg. Ah...me...uh...CAN SOMBODY HOLD THOSE BLOODY CUE-CARDS HIGHER?!
Director Joe: CUT!
Shatner: Me Narblo.
Director Joe: CUT!
Shatner: Me Marvin!
Director Joe: CUT!
Shatner: Me Neville! Me Norbert! Me Satan! (Grrr...)
Director Joe: CUT, Shatner! It’s NARG!
Shatner: Me It’snarg!
Director Joe: Shatn-
Shatner: Me Joseph!
Director Joe: CUT! CUT!! Shatner, you’re FIRED! Baldwin, bring in Ed, would you?
Baldwin: [Drags Shatner outside]
SFX: SLAP! SOCK! BLAM! BIFF! KABOOM! [Sound of hands being dusted off]
Baldwin: [Returns with Ed...the talking horse]
Mr. Ed: Me Narg. Me want talk. Myrdraal come soon to talk. [Blah, blah, blah]
Rand: [Whispers to Tam] That’s my cue! [Picks up stew pot and hurls it at "Narg".] Take that, Mr. Trolloc!
Mr. Ed: Roar! Roar! [Charges at Rand angrily]
Rand: [Activates HeronSabre...]
SFX: Vmmmm...
Rand: [...and pulls fancy "Rabid Sea Monkey Crossing The Atlantic With An Oxen Carting Around A Hibatchi" on ‘Narg’.]
Mr. Ed: [Gasp] A horse- [Breathing heavily] isahorse-[Gasp] Of course...[Dies]
Director Joe: Cut!...GREAT job, Ed! ...Ed? ED! [Jaw drops open. Spins around to face Rand] Y-you killed Mr. Ed!! YYYYYOOOOOOOU! [Lunges at Rand.]
Rand: [Grabs Tam by the shirt collar as he dives through the...back door.]

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News Anchor: Urgent news update! Tam’s 3-foot gaping hole in his chest has caused him to pass out yet again. A terrible fever is burning him up, but our Hero has placed him in the cart and is currently dragging him all the way to the village to be tended to by the local witch, Nynaeve. We go now live and on location with our reporter, Spuzz Muklukk.
Spuzz: Thanks, Bill. I’m here in the Two Rivers, following Rand al’Thor as he stumbles along the road, pulling behind him a horseless horse-cart containing his feverish father. Rand, however, seems to be in rather high spirits, considering the situation.
Rand: [Singing] Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road, follow the follow the follow the follow the follow the yellow brick road, hey!
Tam: [Moooooooan...]
Rand: [Singing] We’re off to see the witch, the wo-
Tam: [Groooooan...]
Rand: [Scratches his head and looks at Tam] Well, that doesn’t sound particularly healthy...
Spuzz: As you can see, Bill, Rand is quite a dimwit.
Tam: Raaaaaand! [Wheeeeze] You ain’t my son, boy. [Groooan...] I found ya [Gasp] on a mountain when I wuz in the [pant] aaaaarmy.
Rand: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT’S JUST THE FEVER TALKING!!
Spuzz: And quite stubborn, too.
Tam: Raaaaaand! [Wheeeeze] It ain’t the fever talkin’ [Moooooan...] It was [gasp] cold and I kinda felt sorry for [AAAOOOOW!] ya. I picked ya up [snort] and took ya home after marryin’ some [sniffle] unknown chick who [MOOOOAN...] died.
Rand: IT’S JUST THE FEVER TALKING!!! [Gasp, gasp!]
Spuzz: Light, this guy’s obstinate. Let’s ask him a few questions.
Rand: Who the heck are you?
Spuzz: I’m Spuzz Muklukk from WOTBC. Would you mind answering a few questions?
Rand: Shoot.
Spuzz: [Pulls out a Smith & Weston and fires a round into his skull. Drops dead.]
Rand: [Stunned, as he stares at Spuzz’s corpse] I-I didn’t mean it literally!
SFX: [Marching sounds, footsteps]
[Through the darkness, a Myrdraal leading a Trolloc Horde can be distinguished]
Myrdraal: [Wearing dark sunglasses and a blank expression, feeling his way around with a walking stick while marching rather blindly, guided by an elf named Murphy] LEFT! LEFT! LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT! [Singing] We’re the foulest jerks around!
Trolloc Horde: We’re the foulest jerks around!
Myrdraal: Huff and puff and blow you down!
Trolloc Horde: Huff and puff and blow you down!
Myrdraal: We’ve got-AAAAGH! [Stumbles and falls over] Curse you, Murphy! You’re supposed to tell me where the bloody flaming Light I’m going! The look of the Eyeless may be fear, but the walk of the Eyeless is bloody inconvenient!!
Murphy: Thorry, thir! It won’t happen again, I promithe!
Trolloc Horde: We’ve got aaagh curse you Murphy you’re supposed to tell me where the bloody flaming Light I’m going the look of the-
Myrdraal: STOP SINGING, YOU BLOODY MORONS!
Trouble: [Speaking to Rand] Hello, I’m trouble.
Rand: Uh-oh, this is Trouble. [Gasps, pants, and pulls the cart harder, onward through the forest.]

Voice-over: We will continue with our regular programming after a word from our sponsors....

[Screen shows Lews Therin Telamon, walking happily down a road, hands in his pockets, whistling pleasantly to himself. Suddenly, his left legs twitches and he screams in pain as he clutches it, wincing. He screams agonizingly again as blood spews from a suddenly appearing 4-inch gash in his chest, and he falls to the ground. His left arm abruptly falls off, and he shrieks yet again. He begins sobbing and howling hysterically as deep puncture wounds start randomly appearing on places on his body. Behind him can be seen a small child, grinning evilly and slamming needles into a rag doll. Lews Therin screams again. The sound is muted, but you can still see his mouth moving in terror and his limbs abandoning his body, and blood gushing from every pore. An advertising type of voice announces, "NEW, from Darkgame Enterprises...The Lews Therin Telamon voodoo doll! Simply torture the doll as you would LTT himself, and watch him suffer the intensity of all the wrath you deliver! Perfect for a Christmas present for those evil children of yours, or as a Valentine’s Day present to Sammael! Now yours for only $33.99, for a limited time only! Batteries not included, 101 Ways to Torture the Dragon instructional manual sold separately. Darkgame Enterprises is not liable nor responsible for any damages suffered through utilization of this toy." The sound returns as LTT emits one last pained roar as his nose and his ears fall off his face.]

[A Myrdraal’s eyeless face pops up on the screen. The text below his face reads "Bill", and a voice-over says it out loud.]

[Another face replaces it, this one is named "Harold"]

[The next is Vern, then Peter, then Charlie]

[Then the scene switches to Shayol Ghul, somewhere around Thakan’dar. Hysterical screams can be heard in the distance, ripping apart the silence, then echoing, then fading away. The camera pans around to a little cave, wherein is a little man with a large needle, workin’ away. He is bent over a Myrdraal, and is carefully poking out its eyes (The Myrdraal is periodically emitting horrible shrieks), then placing the eyes in a large glass jar, which currently contains several hundred Myrdraal eyes. A 20-body-high stack of Myrdraal (all of whom have eyes) stands to his left, and on his right is a cluttered pile of eyeless Myrdraal, all of whom are screaming in pain. The voice-over says, "Meet Mr. I." The little man looks up and smiles and waves, then returns to his work. "Mr. I spends his days poking out Myrdraal eyes. Without him, the Dark would never operate as it does. The Dark needs its eyeless Myrdraal; the Dark needs Mr. I. And the Dark needs YOU. You see, Mr. I is suffering from what some people call ‘Almost Dead Syndrome’, or ADS, and we are urgently seeking a replacement for him. We are looking for someone with guts. If possible, someone with past experience with other divisions of the Dark (such as Trolloc Torso Assembly, etc.), preferably with a degree in Retina Removal Technology, or maybe even their Master’s in The Art of Myrdraal Dismemberment. Send or fax your resume in NOW, because the Dark is counting on YOU." Camera zooms in on Mr. I, who promptly keels over and dies. Screen fades to black. "This message has been brought to you by the Black Cross Association for Evil Employee Replacement"]

Wheel Wars

Episode 1.3
Return of the Menace

Voice-over: We now return to our regular programming. [Static]
SFX: Fzz, fzz, ZZZZFVFZVZ!
[Blank screen]
Voice-over: [Censored]!
[Sound of a wind-up phonograph playing depressing war-time music]
[Screen flickers, flickers again, then breaks into a starry background. A slow, cranky, and scratchy yellow vertical marquee appears, scrolling upwards into the darkness]
Text: A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...technology was considerably underdeveloped. The defense systems of planet Tworiversooine were significantly primitive, but they nonetheless kept the midnight oil a-burnin’ in their fight to save thei-
[Screen flickers and zaps into nonexistence]
Voice-over: [Censored]!!!

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Mistress al’Vere: [Beating a Trolloc with a broomstick] Shoo! Go on, shoo! Run along! Get lost, we don’t want you here!
Trolloc: Haw-haw!
Mistress al’Vere: [THUMP!]
Trolloc: [Eyes roll to the back of his head as he falls senseless to the ground.]
[Another Trolloc leaps out of the shadows, brandishing a scythe]
Mistress al’Vere: [Screams hysterically] [Is overtaken by a Spontaneous Act of Self-Defense Due To An Unexpected Trolloc Assault and immediately kills the Trolloc with her broomstick]
[Another Trolloc leaps down upon from the roof]
Mistress al’Vere: [Shrieks]
Padan Fain: [Silently standing beside his cart] Excuse me, madam, but can I interest you in this lovely, intricately hand-carved water jug, only ten Andoran crowns including tax?
Mistress al’Vere: [Clawing the Trolloc away] AAAAAAAAAGH!
Padan Fain: Or how about this hairbrush? Certainly you could use a hairbrush...
Mistress al’Vere: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!
Padan Fain: No? Perhaps you’d be more interested in this handy piece of reference material, "39 Easy Ways To Tell If Your Peddler Is A Darkfriend"?

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Rand: [Approaching the burning village, still struggling with the cart containing the feverish Tam] Gasp, gasp...
[Huddled in an overly-cool manner in the shadows, wearing baggy ghetto cargoes and the stereotypical ghetto gig, are the meanest bunch a Trollocs that ya evuh did see, BOY. These mothuh’s are dooooowwwwn wid it. These Trollocs be the Just-To-Be-Politically-Correct Negro Trollocs fabricated by Darrel Sweet on the cover for The Great Hunt. They’s hangin’ in the hood and they’s up to no good, and they’ll break ya face.]
Trolloc 1: Yo, wassUP, homes??!!
Trolloc 2: Yeah, ‘sup, MAN??! Ya headed sumwheh thatcha can’t stop and smell da hippidy-hoppidy-hypothetical roses, man??!
Rand: [Confused] S-sorry, I-I don’t do d-drugs. [Tries to walk away]
Trollocs 3: DRUGS?! Man, wus wich you?! We’s doin’ MAYO, man!! DAS how it’s hangin’!!!
Rand: M-mayonnaise??
Trolloc 1: Das right, homeboy!! MayoNAAAAAAAISE!!
Trolloc 2: [Digs a spatula into the jar, then waves it under Rand’s nose] C’mon, MAN, take a whiff!!! ‘Sperience da thrill o’ the may-YO-naise!!
LL Cool Fade: [Shaking his head, saddened by the behavior of his Trolloc Horde] Jippidiy-joppidy-jeez, you mo fo brothus keep changin’ yo styles by the second. Couple days ‘go you wuz sailin’ off Listerine, yestuhday it was Lip Balm, and now yous doin’ Mayo, MAN! Make up yo mind!
Rand: [Hurries on, quivering in fear]
Trolloc 3: Hey, where you goin’, you mo fo sunnavuh-
Editor: *Ahem* We don’t say those type of words in this story, son.
Trolloc 3: I’m so sorry...

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[15 Minutes later, Rand FINALLY arrives in the village.]
Village: Cough, cough.
Rand: Oh, no! Trollocs here, too?
Village: [Nods head] Most of my buildings are completely burnt down. And all this smoke! [Coughs again] My mother used to smoke, but there’s quite a difference between filtered second-hand smoke and direct, thick, black smoke mixed with the stench of dead people!
Watch Hill: I feel your pain, brother. I’ll try to warn the others.
Rand: [Clutching his head dizzily] This is crazy, Pablo...this is nuts! What are you ON??
Pablo: Mayonaaaaaise...
Egwene: [Running by faster than a speeding bullet with her arms full of bedsheets, suddenly sees Rand and screeeeeches to a halt.]
SFX: Scrreeeeeeech!
Egwene: Oh, no! Rand, your fath...? Is he...? Was it...? Should I...? Do you...? Here, I’ll take him to Nynaeve.
Rand: [Tired and stunned. SuperStunned. He looks around at aaaaall the chaos...the realization of the reality of the Trollocs had finally set in. All this time he had viewed Emond’s Field as a safe haven, but now he saw that...this, too, was just part of the Wheel of Complex Marketing Ploys. All this destruction just for a couple bucks. He sobbed and sobbed, screaming hysterically at Mr. Jordan for destroying his village, and shrieking angrily at Pablo for not altering it...]
Pablo: Phhhbhbhbt!
Rand: [Raises his fist skyward in hatred, and curses angrily].
Pablo: [Drops a thirty-pound sack of cornmeal on Rand’s head.]
SFX: ShhhhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwooooooooossssssshhhhhhhCLUNK. [Sound of a thirty-pound sack of cornmeal hurdling downwards from the sky at 200 mp/h then striking a Hero™ on the head]

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Rand: [After being told by Nynaeve that there is nothing that she can do to help Tam.] H-he’s dying!
Nynaeve: [Dryly] Your perceptiveness overwhelms me...
Rand: You have to do something! You’re the Wisdom! You have to!
Nynaeve: Wellll...what I COULD do prop his upright and discuss scientific theorem when compared with certain current events, then make myself a cup of tea and sing a ditty about vegetables, if that will satisfy your craving for activity on my behalf.
Rand: [Thinks for a moment] Well, yes, that might do.
Nynaeve: [Props Tam upright in a chair] So, Tam, considering Einstein’s theory of relativity but also taking into account the recent study done by the group of Ludenberg physicists, what-
Tam: Einstein hasn’t been invented yet.
Nynaeve: [Censored]! [Makes herself a cup of tea, then grabs a microphone and clears her throat.] And now for my next number...Vegetable Symphony in A Minor.

This quick refrain concerning beans That tells about my sweetheart greens It is not entirely what it seems And ain’t by voluntary means.

This song was coerced by a lad Who cared about his dying dad And wouldn’t let his dad be had Without me singing this ballad.

In all sobriety, I admit My ardor for this dear carrot Obligingly I sing of it Conclusively, it’s time to quit.

Audience: [Cheers wildly]
Tam: I feel better already!
Rand: I yam impressed! ...HEY! [Jumps up] The mayor will know what to do! [Grabs Tam, runs outside, plunks ‘im in the cart, and drags him towards the Inn] [Rand enters the Inn, and finds it empty.]
Rand: HEY! BRAM! YOU HERE?? ANYBODY KNOW WHERE BRAM IS?!
Bram: [Clutching his ears in pain] [Weakly] Standin’ right beside you, boy.
Rand: Tam’s hurt! What should I do?
Bram: What, do I look like a Magic 8-Ball or something?
Rand: [Looks at Bram’s round, fat figure] Er...
Bram: [Growls at Rand]
Thom: I know! I’ll go get the Wisdom! She’ll know what to do! I’ve seen her work. She’s incredible. I’ll be right back.
Rand: But I’ve al-
[But Thom had already disappeared through the door]
[Five minutes later]
Thom: [Clutching a bleeding nose and holding his bruised shin with the other hand] You didn’t tell me you had already seen her!
Rand: You didn’t give me a chance!
Thom: I’m too bloody tired to give anybody a chance.
Bram: At least you HAD a chance.
Rand: He didn’t give ME one.
Thom: So?! I’m saving up my chances for a free Frisbee. I only need one more.
Rand: How many have you saved up so far?
Thom: Thirty-two.
Rand: Thirty-two chances and you couldn’t spare one??
Thom: With that attitude, you don’t stand a chance anyway!
Rand: Which is exactly why I wanted one! And I’ve giving you one last chance to apologize.
Thom: Yeah, right! Like I’m using that chance to apologize. I’m sending in for my Frisbee!
Rand: Listen, bucko. You running out of chances here.
Thom: [Tries to suppress a hysterical laugh] [Can’t make it] Chance, chance, chance. Chance! Chancechance! Ha-ha! That word is officially been overused and has thus become uuuuuseless! Ha-ha-ha!
Rand: It didn’t have a chance, anyway.
Thom: Chance! Chance! Haha! It doesn’t meeeean anything anymore! Chaaaaaaance! Chancechancechance!
Rand: Ah, shut up.
Thom: [Giggling] Chancechance. CHANCE!!
Rand: Alright, Thom, that’s enough. Last chance.
Thom: Hehehehehehe! You said that word! What a lucky CHANCE! Haha!
Rand: [Whispering to Bram] Where’s Lan and Moiraine?
Bram: Categorizing dead Trollocs on the other side of the bridge.
Rand: Thanks! [Hurries away]
Thom: FAT CHANCE!! HAHA!

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[Seven neat and tidy stacks of Trolloc corpses, each pile labeled orderly with stiff pieces of parchment scotch-taped to the bottom member’s left foot, lay next to Lan. Moiraine is absorbed in playing with a bright yellow yo-yo as Lan continues his Trolloc classification.]
Moiraine: [Exasperated sigh] Lan, why is it that every time someone dies, you have to take note of every single minute detail of their death and the surrounding circumstance?
Lan: [Bent over a notebook, madly scribbling down calculations concerning the mathematical improbability of the presence of Trollocs this far south, doesn’t look up.] Mrgh niprln aghnblk.
[Delineates a diagram of the seven piles of corpses, nothing the unlikliehood of the collaboration and cooperation of these seven bands under any normal circumstance.]
Moiraine: Lan?
Lan: [Muttering softly to himself as he approximates the figures regarding the ratio of Ram-Horned Trollocs:|:Goat-Torso’ed Trollocs]
Moiraine: Lan...?!
Lan: [Scrawling notes as he attempts to figure out the plausibility of a train collision if the first trains leaves Boston at 6:00 and the seconds departs from Cincinnati at 4:09 and if the wind velocity from N/NE is approximately 200 metres per second and the first train is traveling at a speed divisible by 9 but not re-]
Moriaine: LAN!!!
Lan: Huh?
Moraine: [Shakes her head sadly]
Rand: [Approaching Moiraine and Lan from the bridge] E-excuse me Mistress Moiraine...I-I mean Sedai Master Moiraine. I-I hear you a Sedai Knight, a-and all the stories say that Sedai Knights c-can he-
Lan: [Whips his head up] THEY’RE WATCHING YOU!! AAAAAAALL DAY!!
Moiraine: Lan, knock it off and let the kid talk.
Lan: [Whimpers]
Rand: So anyway, my dad’s almost dead. Can you help?
Moiraine: I’d love to, Rand...[Turns to the camera] Right after this important sponsor message!

[Scene: A television talk-show studio, stage empty, bleachers full, audience cheering wildly as credits scroll across a big-screen vid. screen at the front.]
Voice-over: A scruffy blacksmith with yellow eyes who talks to wolves and kills people with a hammer, an army general with an inexplicable connection to ravens who hears voices in his voices and unintentionally and spontaneously speaks in foreign languages, and the self-proclaimed savior of the world who has three women wrapped around his fingers and little man in his head who tells him what to do...Tomorrow, on Jerry al’Springer!
[A chair flies across the room, hitting a departing guest on the head. A Ku Klux Klan member wielding a machete pounces ferociously on the woman with thirty-two boyfriends. Screen fades to black. Sound of a scream, and then evil laughter.]

Voice-over: We now return to our regular programming.

[Scene: Rand, Moiraine, Lan, and Mistress al’Vere are in Tam’s newly-appointed room in the Inn.]
Moiraine: [Leaning over Tam, clutching an angreal and touching Tam’s forehead.] Aaaaabracadaaaabra...[POOF!] All better!
Rand: Wow, gee, thanks!
Moiraine: No problem. But in return, you have to leave your town and come with me all over the world and do whatever I say, okay?
Rand: [Shrugs] Okay. B-but where are we going?
Lan: No time to explain. Quick! To the Millennium Stallion!
Chewebacca: Aaawwwwrgh! Ohar!
Lan: Calm down, Chewy.
Chewebacca: Aaaaorgh...
[Lan, Moiraine, and Rand race out the door. Rand leaves a message with Mistress al’Vere to give to Tam, and then makes like a...dog and fleeeas.]
Pablo: [Whimpering] I’m sorry.
[The trio nabs Mat and Perrin on the way, meet up with an headstrong Egwene and a stow-away Thom, then prepare to hit the road]
Lan: [Admiring his Millennium Stallion.] Fastest horse in the galaxy...[Boots the horse.] Hyperspeed!
Moiraine: [Shakes her head.]
[The group is speeding towards an unknown destination at a velocity never before heard of by man, when all of a sudden...]
Rand: WAIT!
Group: Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech...
Rand: Pablo forgot to include my scary dream sequence!
Group: [Groooooooan...]
Rand: [Cheering up] But, knowing Pablo, it was no doubt for a good reason.

Pablo: [Hidden behind the clouds, lounging in a reclining chair, munching Dorito’s and guzzling pop.] BURP! [Pats his stomach.] Atta boy. [Takes a bite out of a piece of licorice.]

Lan: To infinity, and beyond! Hyperspeed, Chewebacca!
Chewebacca: Aaaaaoooorrrgh!
Lan: Whoa, not so restless, big guy.
Chewebacca: Aaaorgh.

[The intrepid adventurers ride on. But barely even out of the village, a black shape flies slowly across the silvery ball of the moon...
Rand: [Gulp]
Lan: DRAGHKAR! DRAGHKAR! AAAAH!! THEY’RE WORSE THAN RAVENS!!
Moiraine: [Nods gravely] Not only do they spy on you, their voices are worse than Neil Diamond and they’re the worst kissers in the world. [Looks around, and blushes.] Not that I would know...
Thom: Aye, they’re worse than Trollocs and Fades, too. If you encounter one, you haven’t a CHANCE of escaping! Hahaha!
Lan: [Booting his horse] Ohio, Silver!
Tonto: [Confused] [Shrugs] Massachusetts, Scoot!

[And on they run. And run. Rand silently shouts at Bela to run faster, and, as if this is some sort of example of something stupid like FORESHADOWING....she runs faster.] [Abruptly, Lan slows - it’s Watch Hill. An opportunity supplementing a need. They all dismount and are promptly...attacked by a Draghkar. No, wait...that’s after Moiraine utilizes her Sedai powers to make everybody un-tired. But for some strange reason, Bela doesn’t need re-energizing by Moiraine’s Sedai powers. (Some idiots might also consider this to be FORESHADOWING as well. But then again, those are the same fools who suspect Padan Fain to be a Darkfriend. Jeez...people these days.) THEN they’re attacked by the Draghkar, and they ride on into the night.

Pablo: CUT! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. This is going nowhere. It’s just a bunch of parodied events in a sequence, going nowhere relevant at any tolerable speed. Let’s cut to a commercial, then call it a day.

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[Scene: Gramma and Grampa’s living room.]
Gramma: [Crocheting]
Grampa: [Reading the paper]
Telephone: Ring, ring.
Grampa: [Picking it up?] Hello? [Immediately breaks into a smile, and whispers to Gramma] It’s Patrick! He’s joined the Dark side. [Talking to Patrick again] Congratulations, son! But it must cost a fortune in monthly royalties...?
Patrick: Oh, no, dad. The Dark side is completely royalty-free! The only charge is membership, and the only thing you lose is your soul! Oh, and they have a GREAT health care plan too.
Grampa: Well, I’m proud of you son. But what’s the catch?
Patrick: No catch, dad! Just a lifetime allegiance towards evil.
Gramma: [Writing something down on a piece of paper. Holds up the piece of paper for Grampa to see... "Dental plan?"]
Grandpa: I see. [Reading Gramma’s note] What about a dental plan? Do they have a dental plan? The Light has a dental plan.
Patrick: Um...uh...
[Fade to Man Sitting At Desk With Hands Folded]
Man Sitting At Desk With Hands Folded: The Dark side of the Source - your way to financial freedom.
Myrdraal: [Snickering in the background]
[Fade to black.]

[Scene: Towering mountains shielding a grassy meadows situated beside a babbling brook and beautiful oak building. Dotting the field are pairs of women, one attached to the leash, and the other holding the leash. Large birds with riders soar overhead. In the foreground, a woman dressed in red silk is holding a leash fastened to the neck of the captive woman in dull gray]
Woman In Red ("Lady Gwen"): Sit, Frola!
Woman in Gray ("Frola"): [Sits obediently]
Gwen: Roll over!
Frola: [Rolls over]
Gwen: Good girl! Have a treat...[Feeds Frola a biscuit]
Frola: [Eats the biscuit happily]
Gwen: Up!
Frola: [Gets up]
Gwen: Ready, Frola?
Frola: [Nods eagerly]
Gwen: Okay, visualize a rosebud, Frola!
Frola: [Visualizes a rosebud]
Gwen: Now...reduce that mountain into smoldering bits of rubble by calling lightning down from the sky accompanied by a giant red fireball, on the count of three! One...two...three!
Frola: [Squeezes her eyes shut tight]
Scene: [A giant flash of light streaks across the blue sky, blotting out the noonday sun, and striking the mountain with incredible force. The mountain in the background erupts into a volcanic geyser of flaming lava and soot, and after the toxic black smoke is absorbed by the clouds, it can be seen that nothing is left of the mountain except for smoldering bits of rubble...]
Gwen: [Temporarily stunned] [Pats Frola] Good girl!
Frola: [Grins happily]

Voice-over: Tower of Ravens Damane Obedience School. Now open! Come join us...[Another mountain explodes into flame]...for the experience of a lifetime.

Wheel Wars

Episode 1.4
The Menace Continues

[Well, here it is! Episode 1.4. Not much progress was made in regards to expansion of the plot, but seven pages is the length reached and thus the average episode limit. Enjoy!]

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth (ath oppothed to a bulltheye) is long forgotten when the age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...seven riders raced on against the night. Led by Lan in the Millennium Stallion, this courageous septuplet journeys fearlessly towards Tar Valon - the city covering an entire plan...um...island - to be interviewed by the Sedai Council. In the blood of three young men in this company of seven - Mat, Rand, and Perrin - has been discovered the highest midi-chlorian co...no, wait. Has been discovered the strongest ta’veren pull ever before seen by man. And so the saga lives on...

The Saga: [Dies]
Producer: [Censored]!

...or not. Regardless, Pablo has realized the importance of including the Attacking Draghkar scene, due to the motivation it provides for a speedier arrival at Taren Ferry, and thus a speedier conclusion.
We go now to the outskirts of Watch Hill, where an actor dressed as a Draghkar, suspended in mid-air by a hidden wire, is waiting for his cue...

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Director Joe: ...aaaand ACTION!
Draghkar: [SwwwwwwOOOOP’s down upon our Hero™’s, clawing and shrieking and flapping madly]
Lan: Great googily-moogily! It’s attacking us!! Chewey, let’s get this thing moving!
Chewebacca: Arrrgh, grar grr aaagh!!
Lan: Whaddya mean the sernomiating imblobiator isn’t functioning correctly?!
Chewebacca: Errrgh!
Perrin: [After staring in horror at the attacking shape, is clutching his head in his hands, eyes squeezed shut tight] Bloody flaming Light, another bloody LSD flashback...
Thom: Oh no! We gotta get out of here! It’s our only CHANCE of escape! Haha!
Mat: [Pointing at the Draghkar] It’s a bird!
Rand: It’s a plane!
Egwene: It’s...it’s...
Moiraine: It’s a pterodactyl!
Draghkar: No I’m not!
Moiraine: Shut up!
Draghkar: [Shrieks and dive-bombs the group again]
Lan: [Talking to the Millennium Stallion] C’mon, c’mon baby...[CENSORED]! [Slams his fist down on the control panel (i.e., the reigns) Chewey, what the bloody flaming Light is wrong?
Chewebacca: Arrorgha?
Lan: Aagh!
Perrin: [Eyes glowing yellow] The counseling was supposed to get rid of those bloody flashbacks...
Thom: We don’t stand a CHANCE against this thing! [Laughs hysterically]
Rand: [Trying to restrain his horse] Whooooa! Whoa! Don’t worry, big guy, it’s only a gigantic air-borne evil monster trying to murder us. Calm down!
Mat: [Shouts something in a foreign language] Frikel plora sinmonis! Frikel ploris gristopluerk!
Egwene: What did you say?
Mat: [Shrugs]
Draghkar: I took a Random Foreign Language Interpretation course last year, maybe I cou-
Rand: Shut up!
Moiraine: Hurry, Lan!! Hurry!
Lan: I’m trying, sweetheart! I’m TRYING!
Moiraine: Don’t call me sweetheart!
Lan: [Censored], Chewey! What’s going on?
Chewebacca: Arrrghah! Orrgha...
Lan: Well then fix it!
Chewebacca: OOArgha.
Lan: Aw, don’t gimme none of that "I can’t" crap.
Chewebacca: Ghrumphaagh.
Lan: What?
Chewebacca: Ghrumphaagh!
Lan: Well, why didn’t you say that before? [Configures the reigns accordingly, and]
Millennium Stallion: WHOOSH!
Lan: Fasten your seatbelts, sweetheart!
Moiraine: Don’t call me-AAAAAAAAAAAHH!
Perrin: [Dizzily] Aaaaaagh, nooooo, not again! Bloody narcotics...
Rand: AAAAAAAAH!
Mat: AAAAAAAAH!
Egwene: AAAAAAAAAH!
Thom: Hehehehehe! What are the CHANCES of survival?? HAHAHA!
Draghkar: Hey! Get back here! I wasn’t finished tormenting you!
Lan: To infinity, and beyond!
[Screen: zzzzzaps into the starry atmosphere]
Draghkar: [Staring forlornly after the departed adventurers] Bloody Hero™’s. Always bloody manage to bloody escape. I didn’t even get to bloody murder anybody...[Flaps off into the sky, disconsolate and dejected...]

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[Half an hour’s ride later finds them at Taren Ferry. Lan has gone to find the ferryman, who, at this hour, is likely fast asleep]

Master Hightower: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Lan: [Knocking on the door] BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM-
Master Hightower: ZzzaiwuzzaWhooo is it?
Lan: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Master Hightower: [Groggily struggles out of bed] Aah, I’m comin’, I’m comin’ [Heads downstairs]
Lan: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Master Hightower: Shaddup, ya bloody flaming Light-blasted [Mutter, mutter, mutter]
Lan: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Master Hightower: Whaddya want, ya bloody-[Flings the door open, and sees Lan, towering ten miles above him]
Lan: [Smiles menacingly]
Master Hightower: [Jaw drops open] W-what c-can I do f-for you, s-sir?
Lan: [Flatly] Ferry me across the river.
Master Hightower: [Glances at his watch, and grimaces] No can do, mister. Either my Timex is busted, or you’re nuts. [Goes to slam the door in Lan’s face, but the door is intercepted by Lan’s fist, and slams back against the wall]
Lan: I’m nuts. Ferry me. Now.
Master Hightower: Look, mister, I don’t know what you’re problem is, but-
Lan: [Jams a pouch of gold into Hightower’s hands] [Points at the gold] This much all over again once you’ve completed the job. Let’s go. Now.
Master Hightower: [Counting the gold, and salivating deliriously in the process] Now, you say? What are we waiting for? [Walks away]
Lan: [Grabs him by the neck, and drags him back] Where do you think you’re going?
Master Hightower: To...uh...to...um...to rouse my haulers, that’s it! I’m going to rouse my haulers!
Lan: [Grunts] Meet you at the dock.

[Five minutes later, at the dock...Master Hightower and six rough-looking goons, apparently the haulers, materialize out of the fog, leering at our crowd]
Lan: [Hissing quietly yet sternly the rest of the crew] Make sure your weapons are visible and accessible, and in a sufficiently intimidating position.
Rand: [Shifts into a foul looking facial expression (for effect), and pulls out a large Smacking Banjo, strumming it dangerously.]
Mat: [Eases his hand inside his coat pocket, and brandishes a nasty-looking encyclopedia]
Perrin: [Mimicking Rand’s derisive sneer, displays a menacing corduroy sweater and waves it around intensely]
Lan: [Whispering to Pablo] [Censored], Pablo, you didn’t write in a spatula!
Pablo: [Whispering to Lan] Just wait...
Egwene: [Strikes a deadly pose and yanks out a bottle of shampoo, aiming it with the precision of an expert at the antagonists] [She doesn’t hesitate to add an intimidating word of caution...] Careful boys, this thing’s loaded.
Moiraine: [Launches into an impressive sequence of Kung Fu moves, making "Waw!" and "Hyah!" and "Hu!" noises as she goes.] [Concludes her extortion tactics with a final "Renkan Tenshin Kyaku" move accompanied by a "Wa-YAH!"]
Thom: [Steps forward, and with a flourish, produces - seemingly out of nowhere - a spatula, and promptly begins trimming his nails.]
The Bad Guys: [Scared spitless by Thom’s expertise, GASP!]
Lan: [To Master Hightower] So, are we gonna get a move on it, or what?
Master Hightower: [Recovering sentience after being temporarily shocked by Thom’s terrifying display] ...oh! Yes, of course!

[Upon the relatively-safe conclusion of the ferry ride...]

Master Hightower: [Drooling rapaciously] Where’s_my_money?!
Lan: Right here, Mister Selfish Pig. [Slams the remaining coins into his chest] [All of a sudden, the ferry, obscured by the haze and only visible due to the torches illuminating it through the fog, drifts loose, and begins swiirrrrrling, and cirrrrcling ‘round and ‘round and ‘round and ‘round, then, abruptly, WHOOSH - it’s sucked under.]
Goon #1: [Flatly] Whirpool.
Goon #2: No whirpools on the Taren.
Goon #3: Must have been a fish. A wood-eating fish.
Goon #4: Nope. Probably a llama.
Goon #5: Do llamas have gills?
Goon #4: I think so.
Goon #5: It was a llama.
Goon #6: Do llamas eat ferries?
Goon #3: Yes.
Goon #2: [Pauses] Then what eats llamas?
Goon #1: Zebras.
Goon #2: No they don’t.
Goon #3: Yes they do.
Goon #2: Oh.
Goon #4: Can Zebras swim?
Goon #5: Must.
Goon #6: Are they friendly?
Goon #5: Yes.
Goon #4: That’s nice.
Goon #3: Maybe he’ll bring the ferry back.
Goon #2: Nope. Zebras eat ferries too.
Goon #1: Oh.
Goon #6: Maybe a Zebra ate the ferry.
Goon #1: Naw. They prefer llamas.
Goon #2: What else eats llamas?
Goon #3: Orangutans.
Goon #4: Orangutans don’t swim.
Goon #5: Don’t have to. They fish.
Goon #6: Maybe a fish ate the ferry. A wood-eating fish.
Goon #5: Nope.
Moiraine: [Near to tears] IT WAS ME! I DID IT!
Goon #1: [Pauses] What is she?
Goon #2: She’s an emu.
Goon #3: Do emu’s eat ferries?
Goon #4: Must.
Goon #5: [Pauses] Then what eats emu’s?
Goon #6: Otters.

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[After the discovery of pre-designated campsite courtesy of Lan, the trio of Two River’s teens manage to officially anger Moiraine. Not caring the slightest, they sleep well. Egwene, learning that she will become a Sedai Knight, perhaps one of the most powerful ever, does not sleep well. Thom’s sleep is filled with ramblings about chance, followed by muffled giggles, while Lan sleeps...stonily. Moiraine’s sleep is fitful, but energizing, and upon sunrise, the band sets out towards the tiny"city" of Baerlon.]

Mat: [Catching his first glimpse of Baerlon] Oooooo....
Perrin: Wow! That’s even bigger than I IMAGINED!
Egwene: [Stares dumbfounded at the city]
Thom: [mutter mutter mutter] Chance! Haha! [mutter mutter mutter]
Rand: Holy guacamole! That’s bloody HUGE!
Lan and Moiraine: [Shake their heads sadly]

[Upon approaching the gate, Lan and Moiraine caution the rest that here there are known by different names, respectively, Andra and Alys.] [They arrive at the gate, and Lan, having the most experience, knocks on the gate]
Lan: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Irritated Voice From Inside: Go away...
Lan: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM [An old man with frizzy gray hair and an irritated look on his face peers out from a hole cut in the door]
Old Man: What?! What?!
Lan: Are you the Miracle Max that worked for the king all those years?
Max: The king’s stinking son fired me. And thank YOU so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a paper cut and pour LEMON juice on it. We’re closed! [Slams the hinges on the hole in the door]
Lan: [Muttering to himself] Baerlon’s closed? [Resumes knocking] BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Max: Beat it or I’ll call the brute squad!
Lan: I’m on the brute squad.
Max: [Opening the hatch again, and looking at Lan] You ARE the brute squad.
Lan: Look, mister, I think you’re taking this a little too personally. All we need is for you to open the gate!
Max: Look, I’m retired! Besides, why would you want someone the king’s stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you want me to let in.
Lan: We’re already dead!
Max: You are, eh? I’ll open the gate. Come on in. [The gate creeeeeeeaks open, and the crew walks in.]

[Screen fades to black, and a Cheery Female Voice-over: [Says] Stay tuned!]

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Male voice-over, accompanied by soothing music in the background: [The screen shows random shots of accommodation and restaurants in Baerlon] Thank-you for choosing Baerlon. Now that you’re here, feel free to look around! The wonderful city of Baerlon has much to offer traveling fantasy novel protagonists. From unique dining experiences, Whitecloak harassment and Myrdraal appearances, to feather beds in which to have tormenting nightmares, and even warm baths. Baerlon is the prime city to meet up with another essential character who may or may not happen to be named Min Farshaw. It has the perfect gatekeeper to bribe, and the no doubt THE best gate in existence for a Sedai Knight to perform an illusionary escape. We recommend especially the Stag and Lion Express for your accommodation needs. Oh, and once you’ve finished all that needs to be done in Baerlon, feel free to burn it down. The city of Baerlon welcomes you!
[Fade to black]

Man In Formal Attire: [Addressing a crowd from a podium. Audience members near the front of the auditorium can be seen clutching signs that bear slogans such as "Bela for Creator!" and "I (Heart) Bela", etc.] Hi. My name is Beorin al’Marketingstrategist. For the upcoming election for the title of Creator of the Universe, I’d like to introduce you to our newest candidate, Bela. Bela is a world-famous cart-horse belonging to Rand and Tam al’Thor. Already worshipped by some despite the fact that she has not yet won the election, Bela is a very probable gamble for winner of this election. So this coming September 9, when you step up to the ballot box, remember the name of the horse that gave you life, and...Vote for Bela! Voice-Over reading Text On Black Screen: This public service announcement has been paid for by Crazed Bela Worshippers Anonymous.

[Scene: Back-stage, blue glow from behind a darkened foreground. Seven silhouetted stools can be seen. Upon each silhouetted stool sits a silhouetted body.
Chair 1, Low Voice Man: I sniff Mayo.
Chair 2, Woman’s voice, deep-south accent: I sniff Mayo.
Chair 3, Illian Man: I sniff Mayo
Chair 4, Young Teenager: I sniff Mayo
Chair 5, Nasal Voice Man: I sniff Mayo
Chair 6, Old woman: I sniff Mayo
Chair 7, Coughing, Raspy Voice: I sniff Mayo.

Negro Trolloc: See? [Digs a spatula into the jar] It ain’t all that bad! [Takes a sniff, and passes out] Text on Screen: Miraculously Whipped. - Mayonnaise Sniffers Anonymous.

Wheel Wars

Episode 1.5
The Buenos Dias Menace

Once upon a long, long time ago, a wind rose in a galaxy far, far away, where the Wheel of Time turned and Ages came and passed. In one Age with an apparent identity crises, called the Third Age by some (most), an Age long past, an age yet to come...a trademarked gang of gallant good guys go where no gang of gallant good guys have gone before: Baerlon. [Pause] Okay, so maybe some stray gangs of gallant good guys have accidentally stumbled onto the scene before this particular group did, but THIS gang of gallant good guys are different: They’re staying at the Stag and Lion, the seediest lodging available in Baerlon...

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[After checking into the hotel, "Mistress Alys" requests of the innkeeper, Mater Fitch, an update as to the news in Baerlon these days. Whitecloaks and rumors of an Sedai Knight in the city is the only relevant news filtering through Fitch’s mouth. Rand, Mat, and Perrin’s interest in the goings-on in the common room are put on hold as Ara, the bath attendant, leads the group away...]

Rand: So, what’s your name?
Ara: [Muttermuttermuttermutter]
Rand: Is that so? Interesting...so what can you tell me about Baerlon?
Ara: [Muttermuttermuttermutter]
Rand: Huh. I’d never have guessed...So do you hav-
Ara: You have a funny accent.
Rand: [Gasps] He SPOKE!
Perrin: [Catching sight of the bath chamber and the 12 tall, copper bathtubs arrayed in a circle on the tiled floor, the towels and soap on the stools behind each bath, the big black cauldrons of water and the deep, blazing fireplace, is prompted to say...] Gee! This is almost as good as the Winespring back home!
Thom, Mat, and Rand: [Snicker, snicker]
[Suddenly, from somewhere in the upper realms of the subliminal booms the loud, thumping beat of a the type of song usually associated with a striptease. The torch-light dims, and from the sky appears swirling fluorescent multicolored lights cast by a disco ball and accompanied by a strobe light. The fog machine coughs out a haze covering the floor, and Rand, immediately getting into the groove of it all...]
Rand: [Rips his shirt off, and sling-shots it across the room with a suggestive sounding "Whoo!"]
[Unfastens his belt and flings to the other side of the chamber...]
Mat, Perrin, and Thom: [Joining in the strip-show, in unison tear off their shirts, and toss them to the screaming crowd]
[In a matter of minutes, all four have removed their garments and are now relaxing in their individual tubs. The music has dissipated and the regular light returned.] [Ara, suddenly feeling the urge to make a nuisance out of himself...]
Ara: Is there anything else I can get you? More towels? More hot water?
Thom: No thanks. We’re fine.
Ara: Are you sure?! Would you like a bigger tub?? A hotter bath??
Thom: Really, we’re quite alrigh-
Ara: Are you POSITIVE??! Because it’s no trouble for me if you need something more!!
Thom: We’re fine!
Ara: Would you like an eel?? A little goldfish to swim around in your bath??! Would you like a roof over your tub??! Do you want me to build you a shrine???!
THOM: WE’RE BLOODY FINE!
Ara: No, really, though!!! It’s no disruption to my evening if you want me to do ANYTHING for you, ANYTHING AT ALL!! PLEASE!!! Do you want some shampoo?? Bubbles for your bath?? A spatula?? Mayonnaise?? An application form for employment at the Dark side??? An LTT voodoo doll? Some Trollocs?
Mat: Trollocs?
Rand: [Slams Mat’s forehead with a crowbar] Shh!
Mat: You just let me tell you about Trollocs.
Thom: [Hurls a bar of soap at Mat’s chest] Why don’t you not, you friggin’ plagiarist.
Mat: What are you talki-?
Rand: [Shoves a pencil up Mat’s nostril] You just don’t tell them as well as Thom does.
Perrin: [Smashes a bottle over Mat’s head] And you keep adding things.
Rand: [Clobbers Mat with a printing press] And you get the stories all mixed up, too.
Perrin: [Slugs Mat with a cricket bat] Best leave it to Thom.
Rand: [Wallops Mat with a trout] Yeah, you don’t wanna get anything wrong, now, do you?
Perrin: [Throws his axe at Mat] You might confuse Ara.
Rand: [Cuts Mat’s stomach open] And you might divulge some classified information.
Perrin: [Drives a steam-roller over Mat] You might accidentally give something away!
Rand: [Drops a grand piano on Mat] Something you’re not supposed to!
Mat: [Stares dumbfounded at Rand and Perrin] [Turns to Ara] So anyway, as I was saying about Trollocs-
Lan: [Flings the door open, and slams a thirty-pound mace through Mat’s skull] [Shakes his head] Kids these days...[To Ara] You may leave us now.
Ara: Are you sure?? Do yo-
Lan: LEAVE!
Ara: Leaving! [Leaves]
Lan: [Strips and gets into the tub] Is a bloody lucky thing I came in when I did, sheepherder. Next time you’d better watch your mouth.
Mat: [Feels his skull where Lan smashed the mace] [Quietly] I wasn’t actually gonna tell him anything...

[Upon the completion of their baths, the five men get changed and head out, where Moiraine is waiting for them, with a slender girl who could easily be mistaken for a man. Moiraine whispers something to her, and she turns to each of the men and stares intensely at their foreheads, then walks away.]
Rand: [Staring after Min]
Elton John: [Appearing behind Rand, playing a piano] [Singing] Caaaan you feeeeel the loooove toniiiight...

[Moiraine leads them to a private dining room provided by Master Fitch, where they proceed to eat an entirely uneventful dinner, of which nothing of any importance whatsoever takes place. Rand, being nearly bored to death by the lack of substance in the conversation, retires to his bed...]

[JAWS music plays eerily from above] Voice-over: Just when you thought it was safe to go back to your bedroom...
Ba’alzamon: [LEAPS out of the shadows of Rand’s head, snapping his jaws wildly]
Rand: AHH!
Ba’alzamon: [Giggly madly to himself] Scaaared you!
Rand: [Recovering his breath] Aw, man...what do YOU want?
Ba’alzamon. Nothin’ much. Just your SOUL! HAHAHA!
Rand: [Looks around the place, and realizes he’s on a balcony. Beyond the gray stone arches is a striated sky of impossible color. The room is curved peculiarly, with odd curves and strange angles. Roaring flames in a fireplace made out of oval stones resembling screaming faces provides no heat, above which hangs a dishonest mirror. A table with several high-backed chairs adorns the centre of the room.]
Ba’alzamon: Wellll....?
Rand: Uh...I’ll have to talk to my agent.
Ba’alzamon: [Censored]! That’s it, you’re DEAD!
Rand: AHHH! [Turns and flings open the door, and runs into the next room. Which, as it turns out, is the same room as the one he just left.]
Ba’alzamon: Hehe. You cannot escape from me so easily!
Rand: [Dives through the door again, which lands him back onto the balcony] [Stands up, brushes himself off, and clears his throat] This is a dream, sir.
Ba’alzamon: [Shrugs] Maybe, maybe not. Wanna drink? [Hands Rand a goblet]
Rand: [Sniffs the goblet suspiciously] No, thank-you.
Ba’alzamon: [Slams his fist down on the table angrily.] Curse you, boy! Can’t you accept a kind man’s bloody hospitality?
Rand: [Shakes his head, no]
Ba’alzamon: Then...then...then I’ll just have to resort to insulting yo mama!
Rand: [Gasps]
Ba’alzamon: Yo mama’s so fat, she makes innkeepers looks Christy Turlington!
Rand: You leave my mama outta this, mister, ‘else I’ll have to get my pal Lan on your case!
Ba’alzamon: [Laughs - obviously enjoying this] Yeah? Well, yo mama’s so fat, Dragonmount’s a sand dune comparatively!
Rand: [Ears steaming] Y-you insult my mama again and I’ll be forced to break your bloody flaming back with a trombone!
Ba’alzamon: [Interest having been piqued] So you like broken backs, do you? [Gestures to the table, where a rat is scurrying around aimlessly] [Walks over to the table, and quick a quick and subtle finger movement directed at the rat, the rat screams...]
Rat: Ahhh!! [Censored], Ba’alzamon! You could have picked a bloody inanimate object for your stupid object lesson! [Screams again] Who brought the Robaxacet??
Ba’alzamon: [Breaks the rat’s back]
Rat: [Dies]
Rand: [Staring at the rat contemplatively] [Shrugs dismissively] Anything can happen in a dream.
Ba’alzamon: Arrrrgh! [Clutches his head in his hands and mutters to himself] This is NOT going the way I had planned...[Straightens up] Then go tell this "dream" to the Sedai Knights, you sniveling pile of phlegm.
Rand: This is a dream, and I am going to wake up.
Ba’alzamon: Will you? Will you indeed? I took the liberty of lacing that little dinner of yours with a generous helping of codeine. It’ll be hours before you wake up, boy.
Rand: [Censored]!
Ba’alzamon: [Disappears]
Rand: [Stares after Ba’alzamon and sighs]
Ba’alzamon: [Ba’alzamon’s departed shape flickers, then materializes into a hazy rendition of himself]
Ba’ableson: [To Rand] Is this Larry Homer’s "Eye Scream Of The World"? I have an appointment.
Rand: [Points down the hall] Reception is that-a-way...

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Rand: [Finally waking up, after being forced to wander Tel’Aran’Rhiod for hours as he waited for the codeine to wear off] [Yawns and stretches, gets changed and meanders downstairs to the kitchen to try to swipe some grub.]
Sara the Cook: [Confronting Master Fitch] So my cat’s a sadist, is that what you’re saying??!
Master Fitch: I-I-I-I...
Sara: I’ll show YOU sadist, you steaming heap of regurgitated cheese! [Grabs Master Fitch by the arms, and power-slam’s him to the ground.]
Master Fitch: [Mooooan...]
Sara: Cirri gets off on snapping the vertebrae of small rodents, and, what? You find that offensive??! [Hurls Master Fitch against the back wall.]
Master Fitch: [Hits the back wall face-first, and, plastered to the wall, slides slowly onto the floor.]
[Groooooan...]
[Back by popular demand, six disheveled goons appear in the doorway, lurking in the shadows and leering at the brawlers...]
Goon #1: Is that what I think it is?
Goon #2: If you’re thinking what I’m thinking you’re thinking it is, it is.
Goon #1: So it’s a giant headless albatross doing a jig?
Goon #2: I think so.
Goon #3: I say we eat it.
Goon #4: We can’t.
Goon #5: How come?
Goon #6: It’s not real.
Goon #5: Let’s cook it.
Goon #4: With what?
Goon #3: Me.
Goon #2: Goons don’t have thermostats.
Goon #1: Yes they do.
Goon #2: Since when?
Goon #3: Thursday.
Goon #2: Oh.
Goon #4: [Pauses] So who brought the kite?
Goon #5: What do we need a kite for?
Goon #4: Cooking.
Goon #5: Oh.
Goon #6: I didn’t bring it.
Goon #4: That’s good.
Goon #3: Don’t we need it?
Goon #4: Nope.
Goon #3: [Pauses] Then why is she beating him like that?
Goon #2: He said something about llamas.
Goon #6: Llama’s with gills?
Goon #2: Nope. Llama’s with thrombosis.
Goon #1: Like this :::?
Goon #2: Naturally.
Goon #1: Interesting...
Voice-over: Conclusively, the scene was officially declared "like, SO last week..."
[Meanwhile, Sara has beaten an extremely apologetic Master Fitch to bloody pulp...]

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Rand: [Having overheard from Master Fitch and Sara’s worthwhile argument about the rats’ broken backs, opens the door to the common room and slumps down against the wall, and sighs. A familiar voice reaches his ears, and he looks up - it’s Thom! He’s...standing on a table in the middle of the room, reciting in a slurred speech a story concerning a parade in Illian and something about a horn...]
Rand: [Shakes his head.] Thom’s drunk again...[Gets up tiredly and wanders upstairs.] [Raps on Perrin’s door...] [Rips Perrin’s door of its hinges, and stands on it.]
Rand: Yo, homes, wassup, just chill
I hear that yo feelin’ relatively ill
Just checkin’ up, hope ya feelin’ okay
So grab da mic, homeboy, and seize da day.

Perrin: I can’t sleep bruddah ‘cuz I had a bad dream
Sumptin’ actin’ funny like it ain’t what it seem
A man on a balcony with a propensity to rats
Breakin’ their backs...to da max!

Rand: [Turns to Pablo] Jeez, that was corny...
Pablo: I’m sorry...it had to be done.
Rand: [Sighs]
Perrin: So do you think Rand had the same dream?
Chambermaid: [Wandering past with her arms full of sheets, looks at the boys with an expression of concern after just catching the tail end of their conversation...] It’s called puberty, boys.
Perrin: No, not that, you stup-
[But she was gone]
Perrin: [Sighs]
Rand: That’s it. I’m leaving. And you’d better get used to this treatment, or else liven up a little for the next few episodes. You’re the epitome of tedium, you know.
Perrin: [Sighs]
Rand: See what I mean?
Perrin: [Sighs]
Rand: I’m going now. [Puts his jacket on and walks out the door.
Perrin: [Sighs]

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Rand: [Sighs]
[Rand exits the inn, continues down the alley, and steps onto the street]
Massive Crowd: [TRAMPLE TRAMPLE TRAMPLE]
Rand: Aaaaah! [Dives out of the way] [Sighs] [And wanders wearily back to the Inn...]
Soundtrack: Can’t get no saaaatisfaaaact-shuuuuun...
Rand: [Wiping his feet dejectedly on the welcome mat, and stumbles dully back into the Inn, slumps down in a nearby chair...]
Low, Woman’s Voice: Is that a HeronSabre in your scabbard or are you just happy to see me?
Rand: [Startled, jumps to his feet and turns to face the speaker, only to find...the short-haired girl who was with Moiraine!] I am. I-I-I mean it’s not. No! That’s...uh...because I meant...No! Uh...um...what I...It’s not a...I mean I’m not, but...It’saHeronSabre. [Slaps himself on the forehead with the palm of his hand.] I mean what I meant I’m not happy to see you. Aagh! I mean...I meant I didn’t mean that I was not NOT happy to see you either I mean it IS a HeronSabre but I AM happy to see you TOO.
Short-Haired Girl: [Grinning] You’re Rand, aren’t you? My name’s Min.
Rand: I’m Rand.
Min: [Eyeing Rand rather quizically] Yes, I think I just said that...So what trouble is there downcountry that would have a shepherd carrying a HeronSabre?
Rand: I’m not in any trouble...What makes you think I’m in trouble? I mean, trouble such as Trollocs attacking us on Winternight and things like that? There none of that...nope, none at all. No trouble. It’s quiet. Only sound you can hear is cows chewin’ their cud and sheep bleating. Yup. No Trollocs, either. None at all.
Min: Yeah...right. Moiraine didn’t tell me everything, but I see what I see...
Rand: Who’s Moiraine? I don’t know anybody named Moiraine! [Pauses, and stares at Min suspiciously...] And just what do you mean by "see"...?
Min: Oh...right. I guess I forgot to tell you. I have a idiosyncratic elemental capability which bequeaths upon me the powers to see premonitory auras above people’s heads which prognosticates consequential events in their prospective futures.
Rand: Simple as that, eh?
Min: Yup.
Rand: I don’t understand.
Min: I see pieces of the Pattern.
Rand: Do you see anything about rats? Or dreams?
Min: [Grinning evilly] Nooo...
Rand: [Slowly edging around her] I...have to go. I have to meet...uh...meet my friends.
Min: Go then! Go, but you won’t escape! YOU CAN’T ESCAPE FROM ME!!!! HAHEHEHAHAHAHA!
Rand: Betcha I can... [Darts away, back outside and into the streets.] [Sighs a sigh of relief, and spontaneously decides to go for a walk, idly wondering why Robert Jordan decided to include these incredibly boring events in the book, anyway...] Nothing exciting ever happens around here...
Pablo: [Snickers]
Rand: [Rounds a corner...]
Bony Little Man With Long Arms And A Big Nose: [Shoves hurriedly through the crowd in clothes that look like a bundle of rags.] [Eyes sunken and his dirty face is gaunt, as if he hasn’t slept in days.]
Rand: Gee, I could swear...[And just to prove his point] [Censored censored censored]!!!!!
Bony Little Man With Long Arms And A Big Nose: [Sees Rand, and freezes in mid-step...]
Rand: [Immediately recognizing the face] Master Fain!! We all thought you were-
Padan Fain: [Darts away into the crowd]
Rand: [Begins the chase...]

[From the sky booms an electrifying car-chase scene tune, bass-thumping, edge-of-your-seatish type of music.]

Rand: [Scrambles roughly through the crowd, and upon gaining clearance from the teeming mob, intensifies his pursuit.]
Fain: [Runnin’ like a bat outta hell...skids to a halt on the gravel, and dives into a back alley.]
Rand: [Nearly missing the alley, quickly realizes his error and hastens after Fain...]
Fain: [Recognizing the alley as a dead-end, backs up, then RUNS, and, using a garbage can as a boost, LEAPS up and grabs onto a drainpipe and shimmies up onto the roof...]
Rand: [Curses angrily as he watches Fain’s form disappear onto the roof, but quickly grasping the concept of Fain’s ascent, with the assistance of a garbage can, also LEAPS up and grabs onto the drainpipe and shimmies up onto the roof. The chase continues...]
Fain: [Panting in exhaustion but persisting in his retreat, barely notices a 20 foot drop to the streets and takes a hesitant hurdle over the alley and onto the other roof...]
Rand: [Tuckered out yet resolute, without hesitation SPRINGS over the alley-way where Padan Fain had faltered, stumbles upon landing, but immediately regains his balance and races after the fugitive...]
Fain: [Coming to the end of the strip of buildings and realizing that there ain’t no such thing as a safe descent, times his jump off the roof to the passing of horse-carriage, and lands clumsily on the back. Sighing in relief to a misconception of safety, gets the shock of his life when...]
Rand: [Comes flailing out of the sky and CRASHES through the roof of the horse-carriage.] FAIN! We thought you were dead! We thought the Trollocs had gotten you...
Fain: [Startled yet too tired to resist Rand’s questioning.] Me? Padan Fain? Eaten by Trollocs?! PAAH! Padan Fain knows which way to jump and where to land.
Rand: Yeah, I noticed...
Fain: [Breaking into tears] They burned my wagon and stole my goods and butchered my horses...and...and...[Is forced to conclude his ramblings due to hysteria...]
Rand: It’s alright, Master Fain. Your horses are okay, they’re in Master al’Vere’s stable, and you can get them any time if you come back to the Two Rivers with my and my friends and Moiraine and...
Fain: Aaaaah! She’s...she’s a Sedai Knight! [Suddenly gets up and DIVES out of the wagon, tumbles onto the street, and darts away...]
Rand: [Censored]! [Jumps out of the cart and resumes his chase.]
[The music starts up again...]
Rand: [Spies the edge of a ragged cloak disappear around a corner...] [Wheeling madly around the corner, catches out of the corner of his eye the same cloak disappearing around another bend....he charges maniacally after the cloak, then suddenly...] [WHAMMO!]
Rand: [Slumps to the ground clutching his head.]
Mat: [Already slumped on the ground clutching his head.] [Grooans...] Can’t you bloody watch where you’re going?!
Rand: [Mooooan...]
Mat: Hey, guess who I just saw!
Rand: Padan Fain.
Mat: Padan Fa - How did you know??!
Rand: I was chasing him, when suddenly...] [WHAMMO!]
Rand: [Slumps to the ground clutching his head.]
Mat: [Already slumped on the ground clutching his head.] [Grooans...] Can’t you bloody watch where you’re going?!
Rand: [Mooooan...]
Mat: Hey, guess who I just saw!
Rand: Padan Fain.
Mat: Padan Fa - How did you know??!
Rand: I was chasing him, when suddenly...]
[WHAMMO!]
Rand: [Slumps to the ground clutching his head.]
Mat: [Already slumped on the ground clutching his head.] [Grooans...] Can’t you bloody watch where you’re going?!
Rand: [Mooooan...]
Mat: Hey, guess who I just saw!
Rand: Padan Fain.
Mat: Padan Fa - How did you know??!
Rand: I was chasing him, when suddenly...]
Mat: OKAY!! Enough, already! Jeez...
Rand: C’mon, let’s go back to the Inn.

[As the two are just about to enter the Inn, an incredibly rushed Perrin appears, speeding at a breakneck velocity.] [Nearly kills himself as he slams on the brakes trying to avoid a collision with his two friends.]
Perrin: [Scared] RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! FLEE TO THE HILLS!! ESCAPE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!! YOUR DESTRUCTION IS IMMINENT!!!!
Rand: Perrin, what’s wrong?!
Perrin: Must I elaborate further?!! YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE!!!
Mat: What are you talking about, weirdo?
Perrin: NYNAEVE IS INSIDE!!!!!!!
Mat and Rand: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! [Their screams fade into the darkness in synchrony with the screen...]

Voice-over: And upon this note, we leave you in utter suspense, awaiting the next episode in undivided anticipation and incertitude. And now for a commercial break!

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Intense-sounding voice-over: This summer, WOTBC is bringing you THE television event of the century....a never-before-experienced production that will leave you breathless...THE MYDRAAL OLYMPICS, LIVE on WOTBC!
Voice-over: Encounter the thrill of the 100-Yard-Lurch!
[Scene: Nine eyeless Myrdraal stumbling blindly around a track]
Voice-over: Feel the excitement of the javelin toss!
[Scene: Myrdraal running down a grassy field clutching a spear, and HURLing it through the air...The spear strikes a referee in the chest and pins him to the grass as he shrieks in pain.]
Voice-over: Watch in fascination as the Myrdraal rowing event unfolds!
[Scene: Six Myrdraal in a kayak, rowing with total lack of constraint or synchronization. The kayak tips over...]
Voice-over: All this summer, on WOTBC! ...BE THERE!
[WOTBC logo appears on screen out of a triumphant explosion of fireworks, then screen fades to black.]
SFX: [Javelin whistling through the air] [THUNK!] [Hysterical screaming] [Raucous Myrdraal laughter]

[Inspirational music plays in the background...] Elegant Title on Screen: Behind the Scenes With Pablo the Wonder Chihuahua.
[Scene: Small, dimly lit room, containing two leather chairs. In one chair sits a business-type interviewer holding a clipboard and a pen, while in the other, reclines a small dog wearing a cape marked with a "P".]
Interviewer: Pablo...many people ask you where you get your inspiration. Is there any particular source you can point to as the one root of the majority of your ideas?
Pablo: [Giving it a moment of thought.] Sometimes...I hear voices in my head. They tell me...what’s funny. Right now...they’re telling me...that...this isn’t funny.
Interviewer: I see. Pablo, what was your motive behind the writing of "Wheel Wars"? Did you have a specific goal in mind when you first scribbled out Episode 1.1?
Pablo: Who cares. Jeez...who scripts these questions?
Interviewer: Uh...okay. Pablo, many readers have asked me if you plan to continue to employ the help of the "goons" first introduced in episode 1.4? Pablo: I have four words to say to that: R.A.F.O. - Read and find out.
Interviewer: [Censored]! I knew you’d say that! [Regaining her composure] Pablo, is there any advice you’d like to give to all those kids out there?
Pablo: [Turns soberly to the camera] Kids, if there’s anything in this world I want to say to you, it’s this: Be cool - stay off the Mayo.
Interviewer: Thank-you, Pablo, for coming in today.
Pablo: It was my pleasure.
[Interviewer turns to the camera]
Interviewer: That was Pablo the Wonder Chihuahua, author of the continuing series, "Wheel Wars". I’m Spuzz Muklukk, from WOTBC news. Good night!

Elmer Fudd: Th-Th-Th-Th...That’s all, folks!

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, an Age that sounds like it may just pop up next to you tomorrow on the bus, a wind rose in the Mountains of Mist. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. And although it would be logically sound to assume that in order for the Wheel to have been set into motion in the first place, the turning action would have HAD to begun in some particular point in history. But this is the Wheel of Time. Beginnings are nonexistent and endings equally as evasive, but by some strange quirk in the laws of nature, this particular wind was A beginning. Nobody knows why - maybe it was the size of this wind that prohibited it from qualifying as a REAL beginning - but nevertheless, in this land of enigmatic paradoxes such as this, there are three imperative words essential for your survival: Just accept it.

As you’ll recall, our Hero™’s are about to face what may just be their most terrifying encounter yet... ...this terror goes by one name: Nynaeve al’Meara. ...a direct translation from her name’s Latin origin would read "Your Worst Nightmare". ...and if there’s one thing you should learn to never do in life, it’s to under-estimate the horror of The Village Wisdom of Emond’s Field...

[Chilling theme music begins upon the disintegration of Mat and Rand’s terrified screams...]
Mat and Rand: [Boldly, with the resolute confidence and determination characteristic to heroes of this genre, pass out.]
[The resuscitation process goes like water off a duck’s back...or, water off a shepherds back, as it were. A splash o’ water and slap in the face, and Mat and Rand are up and ready to rumble.]
[Unfortunately, in the other corner of the ring, Nynaeve is already rumbling...]
Nynaeve: [Rumblerumblerumblerumblerumble...] [SNIFF!] [TUG!] [SNIFF!]
Rand: [Storms into the private dining room] [In no-nonsense all Caps Lock voice] I’VE BEEN WAITING YEARS FOR THIS, NYNAEVE...AND TONIGHT, AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE, YOU’RE GOIN’ DOWN!!! AND THAT’S THE BOTTOM LINE - ‘CUZ STONE RAND SAID SO!!
Nynaeve: [Sniff!] [Tug, tug!] [SNIFF!] THE BOTTOM LINE?!! THE BOTTOM LINE, MY FOOT!! I’LL SHOW YOU THE BOTTOM LINE! [Pulls out a whip and cracks it HARD on Rand’s bottom] THAT’S THE BOTTOM LINE, BOY!! [Grabs Rand by the ear] YOU’RE COMIN’ HOME WITH ME!!
Moiraine: Now, now, child-
Nynaeve: [Snifftugtug!] CHILD?!!
Lan: [Growl]
Nynaeve: [Sneering at Lan] What are you growling at, granite-face?
Chewebacca: ARRRRGAGAGH!!
Lan: Down, boy!
Nynaeve: [Sniff!] You’re all coming home with me. You’re all coming!! ALL OF YOU! YA HEAR?? YOU’RE ALL COMING HOME WITH ME!!!!
Mat: What’re ya gonna do, scream us into submission?
Nynaeve: [Standing up angrily and shouting directly into Mat’s ear] IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES, YES!!!
Mat: [Clutching his ears] Arrrgh!
Rand: We can’t go home.
Nynaeve: [Sitting down again] [Sniff!] [TUG!!] And why is that?
Rand: [Proudly] Becauthe Moiraine told uth we were thpethial, and we’re gonna be famouth! [Beaming]
Nynaeve: [Whipping around to face Moiraine] You WHAT?!!
Lan: Grrrrr...
Nynaeve: [TUG.] I wasn’t talking to you, jagged-jaw!
Chewebacca: Arghao?!! AAAAAAAAAOOORRRGH!!
Lan: Chewey, NO!! SIT.
Moiraine: There, there, child. I was simply telling the truth. The most evil presence in the universe is on a personal mission to kill these three young men.
Mat, Rand, and Perrin: [Beaming with pride]
Nynaeve: [Sniff! TUGTUG, SNIFF!!!] [Muttering] Well, so am I...
Thom: [Leaning down close to Nynaeve] [Menacingly] But ya know what he’d do if he found them?
Nynaeve: [Eyes widening] No...what?
Thom: HE WOULDN’T GIVE ‘EM A CHANCE!! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEE!! HEHEHEHAHAHAhahahaha...[Trailing off slowly...] Hehehehe....oooooh, I kill myself. [Buries his face in a jar of Mayo]
Nynaeve: [SNIFF!!] One more reason for you to come home with ME!!
Mat, Rand, and Perrin: We can’t.
Nynaeve: [Sigh] I know, I know...you’re special...
Mat, Rand, and Perrin: [Beaming with pride]
Moiraine: [Clearing her throat] They must stay with me.
Nynaeve: [SNIFF-TUG!!] WHY?!!
Lan: Grrrrr...
Nynaeve: Shut up, flint-forehead.
Chewebacca: AARRGGGHHORRRR-
Lan: NO!
Moiraine: Why, you ask? So I can thwump the Trollocs with my magical stick!
Nynaeve: [SNIFF! Tug-tug!] Fools. We have a saying in the Two Rivers. "Whether the wolf beats the bear or the bear beats the wolf, when the deer jumps over the fallen log in the forest as the rabbit scurries about aimlessly and wild ostriches express long-withheld angst concerning alphabetized cucumbers by means of intermittent capriciousness, THEN is the time to thwump Trollocs with magical sticks." So YOU’RE ALL COMING HOME WITH ME!!
Rand, Mat, Perrin, Egwene (Where’d she come from??), Thom, Lan, Chewebacca and Moiraine: [Siiiigh...]
Nynaeve: [Perplexed] What?
Moiriaine: [To everyone except Nynaeve] Please excuse us.
Everybody Else: [Leaves the private dining room, bracing themselves for the worst...]

[Moiraine and Nynaeve are left alone in the dining room...] [Thwacks, thwumps, thwops, slaps, curses, shrieks, and random sniffs and tugs float over the doorway and into the hallway, reaching the ears of the argument’s grimacing audience. Then, as if it had never been...]
Moiraine and Nynaeve: [Exit the dining room, with shiny, happy smiles plastered to beaming faces] [In unison] Hello!
Rand: [Stares at Moiraine and Nynaeve]
Moiraine: [Waves]
Mat: [Shakes his head]
Moiraine: [Walks on down the hall, still "smiling", disappears around a corner, and then...] AAAAARRRRGGHH!!! [SLAM!! - goes the door]
Nynaeve: [Shrugs]
Lan: [Murmer murmer]
Nynaeve: [Sneers at Lan] [Sniff!] [Tug!]
Chewebacca: Argh, argha!
Lan: Hehe.
Nynaeve: [Turning to Rand] [Seductively] Hey, Rand...is that a HeronSabre in your scabbard or are you just happy to see me?
Rand: Arrgh! Why does everybody say that to me?
Nynaeve: Ooooo, you HAVE grown, Rand...
Rand: [Twitches uncomfortably] So...uh...hehe...[Picking his fingernails nervously]...so what did she, uh, what’d she say to you?
Nynaeve: Oh, she just wanted me to clarify that you were born outside the AHEM. Nothing.
Rand: What? What?!
Nynaeve: Nevermind.
Rand: WHAT?!!
Nynaeve: Wellll....
Rand: Go on...
Nynaeve: She...
Rand: Uh-huh, I’m listening...
Nynaeve: She asked if...
Rand: She asked if...?
Nynaeve: She wanted to know...
Rand: Yes?
Nynaeve: She...
Rand: CURSE YOU, WOMAN! JUST BLOODY TELL ME!!
Nynaeve: Oh, Rand. You were born outside the Two Rivers...
Rand: I-
Nynaeve: Shh.
Rand: But-
Nynaeve: Hush!
Rand: B-
Nynaeve: No more!
Rand: But I-
Nynaeve: SHHH!
Rand: Aaarghhhh....


[In the end, Nynaeve decided to have a bath and stay the night. Onto the night’s festivities!]

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[The white-clad Ikea redecoration crew rushes in to renovate the common room. The tables are removed, 20-foot amplifiers set up parallel to the sound-stage where the DJ (Thom) is setting up his station, the disco ball is quickly screwed into place, the fog machine set up, and in record time, the common room has been prepared and the patrons ready to get_it_on!
DJ (Thom): How y’all doin’ out there?
Crowd: YAAAAAAH!!!
DJ: Then welcome to the Stag and Lion Grooove Station! My name’s Doctor Feeeelgood and I’ll be hostin’ this rockin’ DANCE! So let’s get DOOOOOOWN!!
Crowd: WAAAAHHHOOOOO!
[The opening lines of a dance-remix of "Pretty Fly For An Aes Sedai" blast powerfully out of the cranked amps]
Rand: [Singing along to familiar words as he takes Dr. Feelgood’s advice and get’s DOOOOOOWN!!!...] Bonded to my Warder...uh-huh, uh-huh! ...And all the Gaidin say I’m pretty fly for an Aes Sedai...
Mat: [Dancing negligently with a waitress] C’mon, baby! Woo!
Perrin: [Making rhythmic movements with his neck] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm...
Egwene: [Deeply immersed in a fiercely exuberant Jitterbug dance...]
Lan: [Gettin’ funky with the Funky Chicken while muttering the words to the song] See her sauté that con, deep-fry Ba’alzamon...She’ll get her way, she’ll get her way!
Moiraine: [Accompanying Lan in his graceful Warder dance]
Nynaeve: [Leaps from atop the stage into the mosh pit, screaming enthusiastically] ["Pretty Fly For An Aes Sedai" fades to an 80’s White Tower campus hit song, "Cairheinien Woman", by The Guess Whom.]
Nynaeve: [Shouting the lyrics with exuberance] CAIRHEINIEN WOMAN!!! STAY AWAY FROM MEEEE! CAIRHEINIEN WOMAN!!! MAMA LET ME BE!!
Egwene: [Drops to the floor in an impressively rapid break-dance as the onlookers cheer ‘er on.]
Onlookers: YAAAAAAH!
[The song tapers off, and is replaced by an eery-yet-hip song by shock-rocker Moridin Manson, "The Mayo Show". The insane dance moves continue as "The Mayo Show" is superseded by a gangsta-rap type of song, "Gleeman’s Paradise". As though to sustain the hip-hop mood, the next song to come a-blarin’ out of the speakers just happens to be the latest by Wil al’Smith, "Wild, Wild Wheel".
Rand, Mat, and Perrin: [Deeply immersed in a synchronized Macarena dance, fail to notice the Angry Man In The Corner...]
Angry Man In The Corner: Grrrrr...
Egwene and Nynaeve: [Dancin’ a waltz around the room, also ignore the Angry Man In The Corner...]
Angry Man In The Corner: Grrrrrrrrr!
Lan & Moiraine: [Tangoing back and forth across the dance floor, they, too neglect the Angry Man In The Corner...]
Angry Man In The Corner: AAARRRGH!
Rand: [Hopping up and down to the thumping rap rhythm] [Is distracted by the Angry gaze of the Angry Man In The Corner]
Angry Man In The Corner: Arrrrggggghhh...
Mat: [Head-bangin’ with a stray, idle waitress, catches out of the corner of his eye the angry sneer of the Angry Man In The Corner]
Angry Man In The Corner: Blublublub...
Perrin: [Doin’ it John Travolta style, inadvertently finds his gaze sidetracked and starin’ directly into the Angry Man In The Corner’s eyes]
Angry Man In The Corner: [Flapping his ears back and forth] Wooooo, woooo!
Egwene: [Jumpin’, jivin’, and wailin’, spins around to find herself tête-à-tête with the Angry Man In The Corner.
Angry Man In The Corner: Shwakka-wakka!
Nynaeve: [Wildly screaming in enjoyment as she leaps about in mad uncoordination, whips her bouncing head around to see...]
Angry Man In The Corner: Vhat? Vhat vould you do, voman?
Moiraine: [Absent-mindedly square-dancing by herself, glances over and sees...]
Angry Man In The Corner: Boom, shucka-lucka-lucka!
Lan: [Concentrating deeply on his can-can jig, glimpses the Angry Man In The Corner...]
Angry Man In The Corner: Shnerp gerflunk. Meep-meep!
Chewebacca: AARRRGGGGH!
Angry Man In The Corner: Grrr...

[Slowly, the songs die down into softer melodies, and one-by-one people drift off. A few nomadic dancers stumble upon the realization that there is nobody left dancing, and wander off. The disco ball is turned off, and as "Doctor Feelgood" packs up his equipment, Lan approaches an exhausted Rand.]
Lan: We leave at first light. Get some sleep.
Rand: Mumblehuzza wuzza buhar? I’zamama gonna go get ssssome uh ssome some mi mi uh mi some milk.
[It was past midnight.]
Rand: [Lurching into the kitchen, spills himself a glass o’ milk, and meanders clumsily back out, on his way upstairs.]
["Imminent Demise of Protagonist" music booms from the subliminal as an unmistakably evil shape slips through the shadows and materializes in front of Rand. A Myrdraal!]
Rand: AAAAAH!
Myrdraal: You’re one of THEM, boy!
Rand: How come you have eyes??
Myrdraal: Er...
Rand: But you have no nose!
Myrdraal: Um...
Rand: And you-
Myrdraal: Look, just leave me alone, okay?!! It’s not as though I don’t get enough abuse from my associates back at the office! [Sobs] You insensitive creep...
Rand: I’m sorry if I offended you, mister. I was just asking what happened!
Myrdraal: JUST LAY OFF THE BOGUS EMPATHY, WOULD YA??!! If you MUST know, it could be summed up by saying the new replacement for Mr. I is a tad inept.
Rand: So wh-
Myrdraal: JUST CUT ME A LITTLE SLACK, OKAY?!! I’m still severely traumatized by this whole ordeal. You have no idea...[Weeps hysterically] You have no bloody flaming CLUE what it’s like to live like this!! So until you’ve experienced the pain of this...this...this big stupid ugly crappy mess!, don’t you dare go making snide remarks like, "Hey, two-eyes" or something heartless like that...
Rand: I’m sorr-
Mydraal: SHUT UP, YOU UNMERCIFUL BRUTE! [Weeping emotionally, storms out of the room]
Lan: [LEAPS down the stairs, landing with a BLAM!] Where is he?!
Rand: Uh...[Points out where the Myrdraal went]
Lan: [Censored]!...[Turns to Rand, wide-eyed] YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS??
Rand: I-
Lan: IT MEANS WE LEAVE TONIGHT, BOY!
Rand: But-
Lan: NO BUTS! Pack your bags; let’s blow this popsicle stand! QUICKLY!
Rand: I-
Lan: Look, we’re already pressed for time. We don’t even have time for commercials this episode!
Audience: BOOOOO!
Lan: Don’t worry, we’ll compensate.
Audience: YAAAAAH!
Lan: [Turning to the camera, and holding up a food processor] With this all new, slicin’, dicin’, mincin’ & micin’, Shaidar 2000 Food Processor, yours today for only three monthly installments of $29.87!
Audience: YAAAAAH!

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[Lan has filled everyone in on his decision to leave, and given Thom the option to come with ‘em or stay here.]
Thom: There ain’t no CHANCE [Snicker] in the world you’re gonna leave me here. I’m comin’ with you!
Lan: To the Millennium Stallion!
[The crew bolts outside to the stables, mounts their horses, and ride off into the sunset.]
SFX: WHAM!
[...unfortunately, it was already nightfall, and there was a large city gate barring their way.]
Lan: [To the gatekeeper] We need a miracle. It’s very important. ...we’re in a terrible rush.
Gatekeeper (Miracle Max): Don’t rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got any money?
Lan: Sixty-five.
Max: Sheesh! I never worked for so little; except once, and that was a very noble cause.
Lan: This is noble, sir. His wife [Points at Thom] is...crippled...children on the brink of starvation...
Max: Are you a rotten liar.
Lan: I need you to open the gate to help me and my friends escape.
Max: Your first story was better. [Starts to open the gate nonetheless.]
Whitecloak: [Appearing out of nowhere] What’s this? Darkfriends?!
Max: Ooo-to-toooo! Look who knows so much, eh? It just so happens that your friends here are only mostly Darkfriend. There’s a big difference between mostly Darkfriend, and all Darkfriend. Please, open his mouth.
Whitecloak: [Opens Lan’s mouth]
Max: [Inserts bellows cramp into his mouth]
Lan: Arggheahmmplhe!
Max: Now, mostly Darkfriend is slightly Lightfriend. Now, all Darkfriend...well, with all Darkfriend, there’s usually only one thing that you can do.
Whitecloak: What’s that?
Max: Report ‘em to you! Jeez, what’d you expect me to say? "Go through his pockets and look for loose change"?!
Whitecloak: Uh...[Searches for a witty comeback] [Finds nothing] Um...[Points at the group] Darkfriends! Die!
Moiraine: [Suddenly appearing to be thirty feet tall, looms over the Whitecloak and his four companions.] I AM DE DWED PIWATE WOBETTS. DEW WIW BE NO SUWVIVOWS!
Whitecloak: Stand your ground, men! Stand your ground!
Rand: Now?
Lan: Not yet.
Moiraine: MY MEN AW HEEW! I AM HEEW! BUT SOON YOU WIW NOT BE HEEW..
Rand: Now?!
Lan: Light ‘im.
Rand: [Lights Moiraine holocaust cloak with a torch]
Moiraine: DE DWED PIWATE WOBETTS TAKES NO SUWVIVOWS! AW YOW WOWST NIGHTMAWES AW ABOUT TO COME TWUE! THE DWED PIWATE WOBBETS IS HEEW FOW YOW SOUW!!
Whitecloak: Stand your ground!
Whitecloak Cohorts: [Run]
Whitecloak: [Begins lowering the portcullis]
Rand: Lan, the portcullis!
Lan: [Lifts the portcullis]
Mat: Give us the gate key.
Whitecloak: I have no gate key.
Rand: Lan, tear his arms off.
Whitecloak: Oh, you mean this gate key! [Hands them the gate key.]
Lan: [Unlocks the gate, and the whole crew charges outside.]
Max & Valerie: Bye -bye, boys! Have fun stormin’ the castle!
Valerie: Think it’ll woik?
Max: It’ll take a miracle.
Max & Valerie: B’bye!

[Lan and Co. are charging t’wards freedom in the Millennium Stallion. Moiraine chances a look back, and notices...]
Moiraine: Hey! They burnt the Stag and Lion!
Thom: They burnt Dr. Feelgood’s Groove Station??! The bloody flaming Light-blasted dogs!
Lan: No time to lose. Hyperspeed, Chewey!
Chewebacca: Aorrrgh!

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[An hour’s fitful rest heralds an indistinct dawn, and once again our Hero™’s mount their horses and continue, in constant fear of pursuit by Trollocs. The need for speed forces them to eat breakfast on the run. The same ol’ food, as usual...]
Egwene: [Sigh] I used to like cheese.
Mat: What??
Egwene: Cheese! Haha! I used to like cheese...but then again, that was before the deep-fried headless Chinese water buffalo were forced to surrender to the will of the cosmic duck and-
Rand: I want some tea.
Egwene: ...and - what?
Rand: I said I want some tea.
Lan: NO!! NO TEA! [Looks around suspiciously] [Quietly] Just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they’re not there. [Turns to the camera and smiles] But just because you’re not there, doesn’t mean you don’t care. And you can let them know you care, with WOTtel’s special long distance saving’s plan - a flat monthly rate of $15! Telling your loved one’s you care has never been easier.
Rand: [Whispering to Mat] What’s up with Lan?
Mat: Er...Pablo said he didn’t have time for commercials this episode, so this is his so-called "compensation".
Rand: Ahh...I see.
SFX: Toot!
Moiraine: [Gasp]! Trolloc hunting horns! They’re getting closer!
Egwene: Run!
Moiraine: I think not, child.
Egwene: Why not?
Moiraine: Well, there’s no need to, with this fantastic new Trolloc-B-Gone spray! Just spray a little on your skin, and no more pesky Trollocs to come running after you with scythes! Only $75.99!
Trollocs In The Distance: GRRRR!
Egwene: How ‘bout we run anyway?
Moiraine: [Shrugs] Fine with me. [Turns to the audience.] Because we can afford to, with this healthy, innovative, and all-together GOOD - EnemySprint energy bar! Flee the seething Trolloc hordes and still have enough energy to battle them once they catch you!
Lan: Keep going!! I gotta double back and get the scoop!
SFX: Stompstompstomp. [Marching Trolloc Hordes SFX]
Rand: [Nervously] Can we hurry up?
Everybody: [Gallop, gallop]
Lan: [Charging madly to catch up to Everybody] Hey Everybody!
Everybody: Yeah?
Lan: We’re bein’ tailed by five hundred blood thirsty demonic half-humans wielding dangerous implements of war!
Everybody: [Gasp]!
Nynaeve: What do we do??! Where do we go??!
Moiraine: Beats me. But, at least, with this convenient, all-inclusive map of the world of the Wheel by TopoGraph Co., I can analyze my options without having to rely on my memory!
Audience: YAAAAAAH!
Lan: Welll...there IS one place where the Trolloc won’t go...
Moiraine: [Filled with dread] NO!
Thom: Not...[Gasps as he realizes...] is it?
Moiraine: [Face turns a whiter shade of pale] Anything but-
Thom: You can’t mean-
Moiraine: Not-
Thom: [Breathily] McDonald’s....
Egwene: [Faints in terror]
Everybody: NOOOOOOO!
Lan: Okay, okay. Just a suggestion. Sheesh...
Moiraine: We go north.
Rand: How do we know which way’s north?
Lan: Easy! With this handy...
Everybody: [Grooooan...]
Lan: Er...forget it. Let’s just go.
Everybody: [Gallops north]
[Over the rooolling hills they ride, topping one, galloping down another, uuuuup another, down the next, then uuuup again, and suddenly-]
Everybody: [Gasp]!
Huge Milling Trolloc Mob: BOO!
Myrdraal In The Centre, Leading The Mob: Hardy-har-har-har...
Trollocs: [Scrambling forward shouting harshly and flailing their weapons wildly]
Lan: Stick with me! [Plunges into the heat of the battle, waving his sword.] FOR THE SEVEN TOWERS!
Rand: [Brandishes his HeronSabre...]
SFX: Vmmm, vmmm!
Rand: [Dives into the milling mass] MANETHEREN, MANETHEREN!
Perrin: [Pulling out his axe and, lacking inspiration, mimics Rand’s "battle cry"] MANETHEREN, MANETHEREN!
Mat: [Looking deeper and finding the deep-down Reservoir of Originality, cries...] CARAI AN CALZADAR! CARAI AN ELLISANDE! AL JABBA THE HUTT!
Rand: Yeeeeee-haw! [Drives his HeronSabre home]
Perrin: [Slams his axe through the skull of an enemy] Mwahaha...
Mat: [Glaring at a Trolloc] You feelin’ lucky, punk? [Fires an arrow through the Trolloc’ eyeball]
Lan: HI-YAAAAH! [Slices of a Myrdraal’s head]
Myrdraal: [Thrashing around like a Myrdraal with his head cut off, flailing and waving its arms around madly]
Thom: It’s only mostly dead...
Rand: [Confused] What??!
Thom: Uh...or so I’ve been told.
Three Myrdraal Suddenly Appearing: Aarrrgh!
Moiraine: [Fed up] That’s it. [Slams her staff into the ground...]
[The ground trembles, shakes, shivers, heaves, groooooans, ripples...the ripples turn to waves, and the waves turn against the Trollocs, flinging them aside. Nearby trees crash down upon their toppled forms. Suddenly, with a fancy motion from Moiraine, a wall of fire flashes up in front of them, blocking the Trollocs’ and Myrdraal’s access to them. The flaming wall burns higher and higher...]
Moiraine: RUN!!!
Everybody: [Galloping through the fire faster than a hedgehog with a jet engine strapped to its back, they run and run and run and run. Over the hills, around the bends, down the roads, our party gallops. Horses nostrils’ steaming and rider’s panting, after covering a bloody good distance...]
Lan: HALT!
SFX: [Screeeeech!]
Everybody: [Siiiiigh...]
[All is silent as our Hero™’s pause to regain their breath. The current threat of Trollocs down over and done with, our Hero™’s can gasp and pant in peace. After a few minutes, somebody finally speaks.]
Egwene: Mat...what the heck were you yelling at the Trollocs??
Mat: I-I...I don’t know.
Moiraine: He was shouting the battle cry of Manetheren, as passed down from generation to generation through the blood. "Carai an calzadar! Carai an Ellisande! Al Jabba the Hutt!" It means "Carry my calendar! Carry my elephant! And hop to it!" [Turns to Mat, beaming proudly]
Mat: [Blushes]
Moiraine: Aw, there’s no need to blush. At least, not with this han-
Everybody: [Grooooan...]
Moiraine: [Unconcerned shrug] Shouldn’t we get going, Lan?
Lan: [Cough, cough]
Moiraine: [Slaps herself on the forehead] Oh yeah!
Nynaeve: What??
Moiraine: [Lays her staff on Nynaeve’s head]
Nynaeve: Hey, wha-[Stops short as she shudders and siiiighs...] Whoooa...
Moriaine: [Repeats the steps with everybody else, and soon all are refreshed and ready to go.]
Lan: Follow me. [Mounting his horse and trotting into the darkness]
Everybody: [Mount their horses and follow after]
[Not half an hour’s ride, and the party suddenly stops short.]
Rand: [Catches sight of a vertical wall towering overhead]
Mat: [Noticing crumbling brick lining the top.]
Perrin: [Sees the corroded towers adorning the wall]
Rand, Mat, and Perrin: [Gasp]! A city...
Egwene: A city? Out here?!
Nynaeve: What’s with all those vines covering the wall?
Perrin: There are no people...
Mat: And the maintenance work ain’t nothin’ to be proud of.
Lan: [Gruffly] That ain’t no city, sheepherder
Moiraine: That was a city. But not anymore...
Egwene: What was it called? I don’t remember seeing this on papa’s map...
Moiraine: It was called Aridhol. But after the Trolloc Wars....the city died. It’s now called by an entirely different name...
Mat: What name?
Moiraine: [Darkly] It is called Shadar Logoth. It means... "Time to Die". We camp here tonight.
Everybody: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

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Wheel Wars part 7

A long, long time ago - so long ago, in fact, that the word "galaxy" wasn’t even invented yet - eight fearless [Actual fearlessness may vary] Hero™’s defy the odds of coincidence and conveniently meet up with everything needed to become a true hero without ever having to even leave the comfort and safety of the copyright. In this eye-popping, spine-tingling, hair-raising, nostril hair-freezing, mayonnaise-induced episode, we join our controvertibly fearless adventurers as they challenge the evil of Shadar Logoth - City motto: "Stay a while...hehe."

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Lan: [Whispering to the group cautiously] Shadar Logoth spaceport...You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.
Rand: We’ll never survive!
Lan: Nonsense! You’re only saying that because no-one ever has! C-3P0: Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating a city such as this is approximately three thousand, seven hundred and twenty to one!
[The group steps carefully through the doorway and into the old, corroded city. Gravel crunches under their feet as they lead their horses carefully down the main street, looking around suspiciously]
Mat: Jeez...this dump sure ain’t nothin’ to write home about.
Perrin: Are you kidding? Look at the size of this place! Why, next to this, Emond’s Field looks like a little hole in the wall!
Rand: [Muttering] Emond’s Field IS a little hole in the wall...
Egwene: [Noticing the absence of human activity] Where the heck is everybody?
Moiraine: Didn’t you see the sign back on the gate?
Egwene: No, I can’t say I did. Just a second.
[Runs back to the gate and reads the small notice tacked to the wood.] [The words are spaced at irregular intervals, spread out over the page, faded and hard to read, with some halves of letters cut off.] [However, she can read the sign, with some difficulty...]
Sign: GO N E F I SH IN’
Egwene: Oh...
Thom: Look closer, kid.
Egwene: [Peers closer at the sign] [She sees that letters were once where the spaces are, but have almost completely disappeared over time. By pulling out her handy magnifying glass (Yours today for only five easy payments of $12.99), she can baaaarely make out what the sign used to say...]
Sign: GO IN HERE FOR A SHOCKIN’
Egwene: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
C-3P0: Oh, this is suicide!
Rand: What? What?!
Egwene: T-the sign!
Rand: [Reads the sign] [Gasps]! And we’re staying here tonight?
Lan: [Grins evilly]
C-3P0: Oh, I should have known better than to trust the logic of a half-sized thermocapsulary dehousing assister...
R2-D2: Blip bop be-doop bipbip!
C-3P0: Oh, that’s right. [Turns to Lan] I should have known better than to tr- [Sees Lan’s towering form, grinning menacingly] Oh dear me. We’re doomed!
[The group continues walking. Suddenly, the party is halted by Lan, in front of a corroded white building.]
Lan: [Points at the building] Here’s good. Bring the horses in.
Thom: [Sticking his tongue out at Lan behind his back] [Muttering disgruntled-ish-ly] Bring the horses in...bring the horses in! Bloody flaming warders can never bloody flaming do bloody anything their bloody flaming selves.
Perrin: [In awe over the size of the building they’ve decided to camp at; which is no doubt twice the size of the Stag and Lion...yet still one of the smallest in this city.] Blood and bloody ashes...
Thom: Watch your mouth!
Perrin: But you-
Thom: DON’T ARGUE!
Perrin: I’m not arguing!
Thom: Yes you are!
Perrin: No I’m not!
Thom: DON’T SHOUT!
Perrin: I’M NOT SHOUTING!!!
Thom: Yes you are!
Perrin: No I’m not!
Thom: Yes you...aaarrgh. [Storms away muttering angrily, and brings the horses in.]

[The horses are brought in and stabled in a make-shift livery near the back. The huuuuge room will for now serve as a bedroom, and thus the tired wayfarers set up camp.]
Nynaeve: Listen - I hate you.
Moiraine: That’s nice.
Nynaeve: No, really - I hate you!
Moiraine: Your point being?
Nynaeve: My point being that I’m actually a very nice, considerate, and well-meaning person!
Moiraine: Telling me that you hate me is not a very effective way of proving that point...
Nynaeve: I wasn’t finished!
Moiraine: Would you like to finish?
Nynaeve: Yes!
Moiraine: Go ahead.
Nynaeve: I hate you!
Moiraine: Yes, I think we’ve established that.
Nynaeve: Have some herbs! They make you feel better!
Moiraine: Thank-you.
Lan: My, what a nice, considerate, and well-meaning person you are!

Mat: [Motions Rand and Perrin from the doorway] Psst! Hey guys!
Rand and Perrin: [Joins Mat outside the building]
Rand: [Exasperated] What now, Mat?
Mat: What do you think? Let’s go check this joint out! It’s bloody HUGE!
Perrin: Ummm...shouldn’t we tell Moiraine?
Mat: [Snorts derisively] Yeah, right. You may as well strap a leash around our necks.
Perrin: [Digs through his pockets, and pulls out a couple leashes.] [Fastens them around Rand and Mat’s necks.]
Mat: [Angrily snatches the leashes away from Perrin] I was kidding, you bloody flaming blob of gra... [Sighs] Nevermind...
Rand: Well, are we gonna go, or what?
Mat: Yah! [Tugs on Perrin’s sleeve]
Perrin: D-do you think it’s s-safe?
Mat: Safe? Who cares! This is a real city! With palaces and other miscellaneous dangerously unstable structures!
Rand: Yeah, and we might even stumble across the odd embodiment of evil disguised as a treasure hunter with a slight anger management problem scouring long-forsaken tainted cities for jewelry and other precious commodities!
Perrin: [Immediately brightening up] What are we waiting for?! [The trio darts off into the city before Moiraine can say "ComebackorI’llshoveapitchforkupyourcollectivenoses!"]

[In and out of the empty, desolate, crumbling and corroded buildings they wander, searching for some sort of excitement, finding none, but themselves remaining excited nonetheless. Deteriorated portraits still hang on the occasional wall, and Perrin even finds a stack of chairs off into the corner - which falls to pieces upon his touch.] [But then...they come to an unlit tomb-like building at the end of a dark street...]
[Mat, Rand, and Perrin comb the dirty room. Eyes quickly adjusting to the dark, Perrin...]
[...spots a severely damaged yet somewhat readable book on a dusty shelf into the corner.]
Perrin: Hey guys! Check this out!
Mat and Rand: [Wander over to Perrin, peering over his shoulder at the book he holds in his hand.]
Perrin: The writing’s hard to read - it’s pretty desperate looking. But...[Reads it out loud] Yesterday, being the tenth of November, Balin lord of Moria fell in the Dimrill Dale. He went alone to look in Mirror mere. An orc shot him from behind a stone. We slew the orc, but many more...up from the east up the Silverlode." I can’t make out what it says, it’s so blurred. I think I can read "We have barred the gates" and then "can hold them long if" and then perhaps "horrible" and "suffer".
[Perrin turns the page, reads silently, and grimaces wryly] This is grim stuff. [Perrin shudders and continues on] "We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They have taken the Bridge and the second hall. Frar and Loni and Nali fell there." Something...it’s blurred... "went five days ago. The pool is up to the wall at Westgate. The Watcher in the Water took Oin. We cannot get out. The end comes" ...and then, "Drums, drums in the deep." Then... "We cannot get out. They are coming. We-" [Perrin brings his head up.] There is nothing more.
Rand: [Muttering] We cannot get out.
Mat: Drums in the deep...?
SFX: THRUM THRUM THRUM...
Rand: [Whips his head around to share a look of horror with Mat and Perrin]
Mat: [Whips his head around to share a look of horror with Perrin and Rand]
Perrin: [Whips his head around to share a look of horror with Rand and Mat]
Rand, Mat, and Perrin: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!
SFX: DOOM. DOOM. DOOM.
[Suddenly, the loud hiss of the sound of the air brakes of large vehicular transport module being deployed is heard from outside...] [Strange, foreign gibberish floods the ears of the three teens.]
Perrin: [Eyes widening] They are coming...
Mat: [Glances towards the back wall, and then the now-blocked door.] We cannot get out!
Rand: I don’t have any important lines of dialogue to contribute!
C-3P0: We’re doomed!
R2-D2: Bee-bop deep dop bop blip whir whir wooooo-bip!
C-3P0: Goodness gracious me! You can’t be serious!
Rand: [Eyeing the door in fear as the footsteps draw closer] I’m too young to die! [He whimpers]
[Unexpectedly, without warning, abruptly, and all of a sudden...the doorway is filled with a teeming, yammering mass of dark-skinned, slant-eyed foreign individuals wielding cameras!]
Rand: JAPANESE TOURISTS!!
Mat and Perrin: RUN!!!!
[The camera flashes begin their lightning-bright eruptions, blinding the trio’s eyes as the shove their way through the mob, dart around the giant bus parked outside, and hurry into a nearby alley...]
Mat: [Leaning against the brick wall, sighs in relief] Whew! That was a close one!
Rand: I’LL say...[Rubs his blinded eyes]
Mat: [Shakes his head] Man, we almost DIED back there!
Perrin: [Clutching his chest, trying to regain his breath] [Pant, pant] [Pause] Let’s do that again!
Menacing Voice: How about you don’