If I Ever Become a Fantasy Heroine...


Have you ever noticed that fantasy heroines are not quite the sharpest knives in the drawer, shall we say? There are times whan every one of us has gritted our teeth at the token females in imaginative fiction, be they Egwene, Miriamele, Princess Leia, or even Xena the Warrior Princess. That is why I give you:

IF I EVER BECOME A FANTASY HEROINE.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

- I will not give up my life for the sake of the one I love. It's not a fair trade on his part.

- I will not object to the evil antagonist's desire to marry me, especially if he's trying to take over the world. Being the queen of all creation sure beats marrying some dumb-ass hero.

-When being asked by minions of the evil overlord for secret information (i.e. Where is Sir Heroface?! or Where is the army of the Goodguys located?!) I will not scream "Never!" and bravely face torture, death, etc. Instead, I will simply lie.

- Under no circumstances will I tug my braid or sniff.

- I will not fall into the habit of kicking ass in any "armor" that leaves my midriff, bosom, thighs and arms exposed to attack.

- I will not live happily ever after. I shall instead find some sort of new battle to fight so my author can milk out the series to its full potential.

- When captured, I will not, under any circumstances, give cause for the evil antagonist to exclaim: "Ah! This one has spirit!".

- I will learn magic spells so that it's pointless for the hero to have to defend me with his amazing blademaster skills that he learned in a week.

- I will not berate the hero for speaking to other women. Chances are, they're powerful sorceresses whose bad side I don't want to get on.

- I will employ the services of a maid who is prettier than I am. Then, when the evil antagonist gets his hands on me as part of his evil ploy to ensnare the hero, I'll say that it's the maid over there who's Princess Tokenfemale, and I'm just Suki the laundress. Then I'll go off scott free, even if I don't get good service for a while.

- I will not have a sidekick, and if I do, it will not be a woman. I don't have time to deal with questions involving my sexual orientation.

- Instead of sniffing when the male comic relief makes a funny insult towards me, I shall kick him in the balls.

- I shall not be involved in any scenes involving graphic sex. Nor shall I express my love physically in any place that is particularly laughable: i.e., the sunny meadow, the "uninhabited" cabin, etc.

- I shall not fall in love with someone when it's quite apparent that he's my third cousin's half brother's mother's aunt's psychiatrist's bartender. (duh!)

- I shall not pick petty fights with women who I assume are vying for the attention of my beloved. I shall simply blast them with lightning when they're not looking and blame it on the evil antagonist.

- I will not marry the hero if it means giving up my magic powers. But we can still be friends.

- If I must have children, I will not give up my quest to care for them. Rather, I shall hire a reliable babysitter.

-I shall not set out to utterly destroy evil. Now where's the fun in that?

- I shall consider my plans in entirety before carrying them out. For instance, I shall think of a way to get OFF the exploding volcano, out of the evil antagonist's fortress, ets. after completing my quests instead of assuming that I'll get out of all those sticky situations with my hairdo intact. THe fact that I almost certainly will will not dissuade me from being prepared.

- I will not come of age. That way, I can stay plucky and entertaining throughout the ENTIRE book.

- When I fight a battle, ride a dragon, etc., it shall be for practical purposes, and not just to look sexy.

- I shall not bathe nude in a very visible place and then pretend to be surprised when the hero "accidentaly" glimpses me.

- When I make a decision, I will not follow my heart.

- When I kick ass, it will not be because it is the politically correct thing to do.

- I shall nor provoke the hero into becoming irritated with me, and the wonder why he's so cold and distant all the time.

- I shall only get bitchy with squires, servants and peasants. I shall remain pleasant around heroes, comjurers, evil overlords, etc.

- When I am being rescued from the dungeon, marriage to the evil antagonist, certain death, etc. by the hero, I shall not scream, "What took you so long, you bloody idiot?!" Instead, I shall thenk him nicely and be done with it.

- I shall not mix up my priorities: For instance, I will not scream and leap into the arms of my beloved at the sight of a sewer rat and not enev flinch when a 100-foot giant lizrd monster spits venom into my face. Giant lizard monsters come first. THen come the rats.

- I shall no simper unless the simpering directly preceds my stabbng someone in the eye.

- I shall not befriend all the enchanted creatures of the forest unless I'm really hungry.


If you have any more, feel free to add them :)

-Kamarile